Is it just sex....or more?????

[Changed Woman]

Okay so I wasn't going to post anything long tonight but here I go....Anyone wanna give me some feedback???

Soooooo...got home from work yesterday kind of late.....H was supposed to bring D home around 7:30 or 8:00, but since I didn't get home until 7:00 and wanted to spend a little some time relaxing in a long hot bath I called H to see if he could keep D until 8:30. So I call over there around 7:15 and he doesn't answer...I call D's cell and ask where Daddy is...she says he's taking a shower (not normal for him until he is getting ready to go to bed). Anyway, I say...ok have him call me when he gets out. So he calls around 7:30 and says...I'm getting ready to leave in 5 or 10 minutes. I ask him if he wouldn't mind giving me about an hour before he brings her home so I can relax in my bath. He says okay and we hang up. About 2 minutes go by and he calls back and says that when he drops her off he's just going to watch her walk to the door and not come in. I say...ok..why is that? He says...well it's getting late. I say...that's fine...you need to do whatever makes you comfortable. He says ok and we hang up.

Soooooo...he drops D off, but he DOES come in. D goes to take a shower and then to complete her homework. H and I chat and our convo turns to sex and we end up in bed. After it's over...in true form he jets out like I am a leper. As he's leaving he asks D to come down and give him a kiss goodbye. She does and I'm hoping he'll give me a kiss goodbye, but he just turns his back on me. Of course this very much hurts me...I'm good enough to have sex with, but not good enough for a kiss. Anyway, I make a hmmph sound as he's walking out and he says "what???". I say..if you don't know...I'm not gonna tell you. He says...I don't want to confuse D. I ask how would you confuse her...he says "maybe we shouldn't have sex anymore..maybe it's not a good idea....are you just having sex with me to get me back?" I say "no". He says ok and walks away.

So to be honest...at this point I feel like a whore. I feel like he was basically telling me without coming out and saying it that it's just sex and I shouldn't be putting any stock or hope in it. This hurts.

Anyway, about 10 minutes go by and the phone rings. He says I just called to tell you guys goodnight. I'm thinking you just did when you left, but I don't say that. I say...oh ok..thanks. He asks to talk to D. She tells him goodnight (again) and hands me back the phone. He's still on the phone...didn't hang up so I say "hello". He says....I had a good time with you tonight. I say I'm glad he enjoyed it. He says it was "interesting". I say "what does that mean". He says it was just interesting in a lot of ways. Don't really know how to respond so I say...well thanks...goodnight.

I am so confused by all this...is it just sex to him???

[istherehope]

Hi CW,

Well I may not be the best one to give advice on this, but I have been in a somewhat similar situation recently, so will just give you my take on it, and you can take it with an appropriate grain of salt.

In my situation, I moved out about 3 weeks ago. We live in Dublin, and I was staying in a corporate apartment until I could come to Poland and work for a couple of months. Those 3 interim weeks were absolute hell for me, but during the last 7 days (so last week), we started having sex again. I had to come by the house for various reasons, on 3 different days. On each of those days, he initiated. The sex was probably the best ever, but there certainly wasn't a lot of affection. The first time he got up and got dressed immediately. The second time was pretty much the same, but the last time we actually slept in the same bed as it was the night before I was leaving for Poland, and he'd said he was OK with me sleeping in the house that night.

So in my case we never discussed the sex. I personally took it as a good thing, because it was some kind of physical affection, and I don't think it would have happened if he was completely opposed to being with me. In my case I know my H has too much respect for me to do that. I decided not to talk about it, as this might have just complicated matters. I let it be what it was, great sex with the man I love. I decided early on that I would be OK with this if and when it happened, and that I would view it as some kind of progress. I also had no expectations of affection or cuddling afterwards, so I think this helped me.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread with my own situation, just want to let you know where I am coming from.

I don't know your H, and I don't know the background to your situation, but to me it looks very positive that he called you after the "deed" to say that he had a good time. This is not treating you like a "whore". I think this is showing you respect. It also sounds as though there might be more to it than just the sex, as he said it was interesting in a lot of ways. Only you can decide whether you have the stomach to continue in this kind of behavior without any more of a commitment from your H, but I would imagine that now that it has happened once, there is more of a likelihood of it happening again. I'd say though that you have to be willing and able to go into it with no expectations, unless you feel comfortable at this point setting some boundaries around it with your H. My guess is that he won't be too open to the boundaries though...

My guess is that it isn't just sex to him, but it may also be confusing to him. I think you'd have to be prepared not to talk to or ask him about it, and not show any unhappiness when he leaves afterwards without a kiss goodbye. If you are going to do it, I think you'll need to expect no affection, and if you're OK with this, then I would personally go for it...

Good luck with everything,

ITH

[maninmotion]

Hi there CW. I'll offer my perspective which is necessarily limited, but, it is another data point. I really can't speak for all men, but, I think that I can generalize. Even though we men can have sex be just sex, I'm really not sure it can work the other way. What I mean is that I could have enjoyable sex with a random attractive woman that I met at a bar, and while it would be enjoyable, it otherwise wouldn't really mean anything. HOWEVER, having sex with my W is never going to be the same. It will NEVER be just sex and at least for me, there will always be an emotional attachment and connection there regardless.

So, for all the women who wonder if they should ML to their H, I would answer with a qualified if you're comfortable with it, then yes.

I can really understand your desire for a kiss as he left. Did he kiss you while you were ML? I ask because I've read that for some people, kissing is more intimate than ML and if he kissed you during, that is in my mind a better look into his heart than afterward.

Dan

[GoingForward]

So, for all the women who wonder if they should ML to their H, I would answer with a qualified if you're comfortable with it, then yes.

I agree, and also with what maninmotion had to say before that. My H had shared the very same perspective with me not too long ago, and he doesn't see the physical intimacy as just sex. We're ML, regardless of what's going on with our M. I take this as a way of him showing me some respect and that my feelings do matter in what we do together.

Keep this physical connection with your H, but ONLY if YOU are emotionally comfortable with it.

If after the fact you find yourself feeling like you're being used, then don't. You will be causing yourself more pain than you already need.

Take care.

[7 Year Itch]

You know where I stand. Each sitch is different, and only YOU will truly know what you are feeling, and what you are able to cope with.

For me ,I'm not going to lie. I felt cheap, and felt like crap afterwards for the first two months. H would always have a freak out afterwards, say we couldn't do that anymore, practically have smoke coming off his heels as he left afterwards. Yeah, it sucked. But now in our 4th month since the bomb, and now having very satisifying, and very mutual sex ,I really am so glad I kept it up. For me, and our sitch, I think we would be halfway through the divorce already had I not. I think it kept a sense of intimacy in the middle of all the chaos.

We are so no where out of the woods yet, but I really do feel like it's kept the momentum going for us to have positive interaction. I think for the High Drive spouse (both our husbands) they of course question our motives, wonder if it's just temporary etc. And for me, the only way I know to "prove" that its a real change I want to make for myself AND us, is with time.

Hang in there,
Chris

[Separated]

Hi Changed!! I personally say go for it if you are comfortable with it. I too ML with my H. I make sure that I do my best not to have any expectations afterwards and remind myself that he is coming to me for this intimate exchange and not going to someone else. Plus everytime is here it gives us a chance to chat and let him see some of my 180s

[Amy M]

Hi, Changed! I also am in the same boat. But, at this point, he is your H, and you do have every right to be intimate with him. I believe that sometimes, when things are really tough, sex may be the only thing that keeps a couple together. Try not to feel cheapened by it. I do that by reminding myself that I'm using him too. In fact, since I am a married woman and don't believe in unmarried sex, he's my only option! So, he's being used. Enjoy yourself too!

Now that the door is opened, you can maybe even begin to have fun with it. In my case, there's an OW. I don't know the seriousness of their R, but now that he's moved, I'm working on having the A with him, being the OW. I'm flirting like crazy every chance I get, and I'm certianly not holding anything back in the bedroom. I do have moments when I feel really bad about it, so, I know what you mean. But, if you can separate emotionally a little, think how wonderful it will be if in future, he kisses you goodbye or stays longer or even sleeps in the bed with you!

[Changed Woman]

Thanks, Everyone! I really appreciate all your kind and encouragaing words

Maninmotion? Yes, he does kiss me while we are having sex, but never after.

Okay, so some updates...since he left that night I decided to play it a little cool and not contact him at all. He contacted me on Thursday to talk about D, but I happened to be at work and I was waiting to get my a@! reamed by my boss for being less than respectful to him so I told H I had to go. He could tell I was upset and said ok call me back. Sooooo, had the meeting with my boss and forgot to call H back. Anyway, he called about 2 hours later asking what happened and why I hadn't called...told him I forgot and updated him on issues at work.

The next day, he again called about D and was pissed off at me for not making her try out for the volleyball team as he thinks she should be involved in sports. I explained to him that the volleyball coach told D that she probably wouldn't make the team this year as she had to cut half the girls signed up to try out and most of the ones that would make it played on the team last year. The coach told her to practice and try out next year. I thought that was the coach's way of sparing D hurt feelings or embarrassment since she didn't stand a chance of making the team. At any rate, he just went on and on about how I don't support his parenting and then switched the convo to him wanting her more than his two days a week. He has her on Mon and Tues nights, all day Tues and Wed, but wants her more during the week after school. I told him he should speak with her about it as she is a teenager and since he lives 25 miles away and she wouldn't be able to hang out with her friends after school she might not like that. So, of course, that pissed him off too...he told me that it shouldn't be up to D to decide and, AGAIN, I should force her if she didn't want to. I told him if she were five it would be different but she's a teenager and I felt if he forced her she would resent him, but he was free to do as he chooses. So I tell him I'm taking D to the movie to change the subject and ask him if he would like to go...he says no...I say do you want me to stop asking...her says "I don't know what I want". I decide I shouldn't press so tell him ...to have a good night and we hang up.

Sooooo...he calls D's cell phone on Sat to tell her he loves her...doesn't ask to speak to me...whatever...it's getting easier every day. Anyway, D tells him she is going to be spending the night with my father and I could tell from her end of the convo he was grilling her as to why. She said "just cause I want to". Anyway, they hang up...I drop off D at my dad's house and go home. When I get home I notice my ringer on my cell phone had been off and apparently H had tried to call earlier in the day when D wasn't answering, so as I'm scrolling through missed calls I accidentally hit the dial missed call number button, but cancelled the action real quick. Anyway, it registered a call to him on his cell phone so he called me and said..."you called?" I said, no accidentally hit the wrong button sorry. So he asks why D is spending the night at my dad's...ask if he I have plans or something. I said, no it was D's idea so he says ok and we hang up. About 1 minute goes by and my friend calls me and asks if I want to come over to her house and play cards as her oldest just left for college and the youngest is spending time at his dad's house. While I'm talking to her, H calls back...I tell friend I'll call her right back and click over to H...he asks me something about his ring back tones on his cell phone...I tell him I have no idea how ringback tones get on your phone. He says ok and we hang up. I call friend back and let her know I'm going to get my cards and come over to play canasta. While I'm driving over to her house H calls again and asks why I didn't answer home phone. I tell him because I just left...I'm in the car. So he proceeds to tell me he figured out the ringback tones and was going to give me instructions on how I could use them but I need to be using a landline phone so he can walk me through it. I tell him..ok well I do it when I'm home. He says ok and asks where I'm going...I say to friend's to play canasta. He says ok and we hang up.

Fast forward to today...I am in the grocery store and feel like cooking a big meal so I call him to ask if he wants to have dinner with us. He says no "he doesn't feel like it" I ask him if he wants me to stop asking and he says..."if that's what you want to do". I say "well you always turn me down so I'm thinking you want me to stop". He says "it's not that...I just don't feel like it". He then asks me if I had fun lastnight and I said yes...he asks if I spent the night at friends house and I say no...why would I do that. He says I don't know...just wondering. So, I tell him have a good evening and hang up.

About 20 minutes later I'm making dinner and he calls...D answers and tells him I am busy and she'll have me call him back. I finish what I'm doing and call him and he says...he needs to change the answer that he gave me earlier. I say ok and he says "it's not that I didn't feel like coming to dinner, it's that I already have plans...I'm going to a friends house for dinner". I say ok and ask why he decided to tell me and he says because it dawned on him that he doesn't have to lie and can do whatever he wants. I say...ok well if you didn't have plans would you have come to dinner...he says he doesn't know that it would be easier if I invited him on a night when he was already going to be around to pick-up or drop off D. I jokingly ask if his friend is setting him up on a blind date and he says..."see that's why I lied at first". I say...ok ok...well I'll let you go..have fun and drive careful.

Lord have mercy this crap is making me crazy. I can't make sense of any of his actions.

[Rusty]

Oh my goodness- this sounds so familiar!!! Don't answer him! He has no business asking and expecting answers from you! My H does this to me all the time and it is so obvious he is worried about what you are doing! Just let him worry! You don't need to lie - just don't answer. And his phone call back to you to let you know he had plans is such a game to try and make you jealous, like he is!!!! don't buy into it and don't answer him - let him worry a bit. I don't answer my H, and his imagination is so much bigger than what is really going on, that it makes him crazy and I know he misses me and is wondering who I am with and what I am doing - which is good. But I don't lie - I just let him do his own lying by imagining what is happening.
I probably have these same conversations once a week lately, and I love it because I know he is thinking about me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder - especially when they think you are growing fonder of someone else!

[Amy M]

Changed,

I'm certainly no expert on these matters, but it is easier to look objectively at some else's sitch. I think you should stop inviting him over. He'll wonder why, and he'll miss the invites. If your D wants to ask him over for something, then, you can have her ask. That will give him some space to initiate visits, etc. His telling you when would be best to invite is his way of controlling the sitch. If you only invite him when he's already coming over to get D, then he can say yes without cutting into his "free" time. Like my H, he's trying to keep one foot in the door.

I agree with Rusty, the less he knows about your life, the better. Again, makes him wonder! I decided today that I'm going to have to be a little less forthcoming about my whereabouts, etc. They want to know that we aren't moving on without them. They want to know that we'll be here waiting. In some ways, the sex is about that...making sure that he can still have you if he wants...you haven't "gotten over him yet." It also says to me that he's not sure about his decision...wants to make sure before he lets you go. Thinking that you might be losing interest a little might really make him think about what he wants.

Hang in there. I know how tough it is. My H has been gone for 3 and 1/2 weeks, and some days I don't know if I'll make it through the whole day. But, other days are actually almost kind of good! I'll keep checking in on you!

AmyM