WAW in MLC? Can anybody here give me their take?

[sandi2]

Hi Jimbo,

So glad to here your response. I'm sorry things did not go as well at the counseling as you had hoped. But that is another thing the WAW fights is any type of "pressure" (as she sees it) to work on the M. She will not want anyone to talk to her about working on the M or read M books, watch programs.....nothing, b/c that is not what she is wanting at this time. She is confenced that it is over. But, in time, when she finally comes out of the fog, she will see her H outshining the OM.

Exercise has never appealed to me (probably because it reminds me of how uncoordinated I am), but I'm tired of feeling down on myself about my spare tire. I had already done the new clothes thing and the cologne, with no (outward) response.

I know what you mean by this. Exercise was always a "chore" to me. I have read over and over again, that if done on a regular bases that it can actually become somewhat addictive. I need that kind of addiction...lol. But, the point is, that it will make you feel good about Jimbo again! Not so much as to look good for your wife (although it won't hurt), but to lift your own self-esteem. So many men have written how after working out regularly their self-esteem rose significantly. They find themselves feeling more confident. So, it sounds like it would certainly be worth the effort.

Remember that the focus right now is to feel good about your life. That means that you have to force yourself to get out of that house. Do something. Try something different. But, get out of the house. I tell people that even if they just go walk the mall or get an ice cream cone......do something to make themselves "move". If you can place yourself in an environment that would help you meet new people.....that would be great. I never encourage people to go to the bar/party scene when they are having M problems. That can only lead to more trouble. But, if you are a "church" person, then that is a good place to start. There are always jobs in the church....or I should say, "activities". What about doing something for the community? Most are looking for people to offer their services. If you are the benevolence type, then hospitals or nursing/retirement homes may interest you. If you like sports.....that is endless. Outdoor hikes, water play, just endless things to do. But, again, I encourage you to find people to do these things with. At first, it is an act of self discipline! But in time, you will find what you like and it will help you in getting a life. That makes you more interesting as an individual. That makes you more attractive as a man. And, that Jimbo, is the idea!

Take care,
Sandi

[Jimbo]

Hi Sandi,

What you said about the "pressure" is so true- never mind what is really happening, it's all about Ws PERCEPTIONS of what is happening. I went to my counseling session last night and, although for obvious reasons of not wanting to violate confidentiality she couldn't tell me anything about what was said specifically, the counselor shared with me that W was "less than forthcoming" about what's going on with her side of things. Big surprise. If she feels cornered into going to counseling, it's not going to work. Actually, this is probably a blessing in disguise. Later on, if it gets to the point where she feels that counseling might help, then it's an avenue that we really haven't tried "for real", and it might be a realistic option.

I came to a very ugly realization a couple nights ago. I think I may have a VERY rough road ahead of me- rougher than I could ever imagine. I found out that OM is one to keep his emotional cards very close to his chest, and is very reluctant to let anybody into his emotional "inner sanctum" unless he really, really trusts them. Bad news for me. That's going to draw my W in like a moth to a flame. Let's face it - mystery is sexy. The longer he takes, the longer this takes.

I know I need to work on me for ME, but I can't help it. There are parts of me scheming ways to turn her attention away from the OM and make her think about me more when she's not around me. That's one of her big issues. She wants to be with me only when she's AROUND me. I need to generate some mystery myself, but how? The first time I end our weekly encounter early, she drops the D bomb. What next? If I tell her that I can't see her at all next week, does she just run off to the OM to fill her time in? I don't know. Do you have any suggestions? What would you do in her shoes?

L8r,
-Jimbo

[sandi2]

Hi, well, bless your heart, I agree with you in that you are probably in for a long hard ride. To a WAW, it is all about her. Everything is about her....period. If she says she doesn't miss you when you aren't around, then the friendship and outshining the OM is probably the right route to take.

If this OM is mysterious to her......that is part of her fantasy right there! She wants to find out what makes him tick! She wants to see if she can make him allow her to get close to him and see what the mystery is all about.

So, my suggestion to you is to try to think of some way that you can develop a air of mystery about yourself. That is hard to do when another person, such as your spouse, knows you so well. I think GAL is the way to go with becoming mysterious. You did right by not telling her about your trip and all the details. I think she was wanting to know how to map out her plans with OM while you were gone is the only reason she was asking. You cannot control her actions. Yes, it hurts like hell, but, what can you do? You can't chain her up in a room while you are gone from home. And, yes, I'm sure she is planning to be with OM if possible. If he is serious about her. Do you know if he is or is it more her infatuated with him?

Anyway, the more interesting you can become by changing your appearnace and your lifestyle (to a point) and becoming attractive in not only looks, but behavior, being charming,etc. The more unboring you can be......the more interesting you are to her, so always have something to do. Never appear that you are just laying around the house with nothing to do. Act "as if" you have plans.......it may be nothing more than ride around town, but at least it gets you out of the house and it makes her wonder what you are doing. Always make sure you are dressed really nice and smell good. Have you updated your wardrobe? Maybe you need to do that. Made any physical changes lately?

Well, it's after midnight again....and I have got to get in bed. Hope to hear from you soon and see what your goals are. But, try to get through the book ASAP!

Take care,
Sandi

[Jimbo]

Hi Sandi (et al!),

I've noticed that it IS all about her just from things that she has said in passing when we talk. She doesn't take half as much interest in hearing what I've learned as she has in telling me what she is learning. And I'm just fine with that- I'm a world-class listener. She'll mention to me how she has really come along, and she used to not be able to defend her position in a discussion, etc, etc, etc. I just agree and keep telling her how great it is and that she's really improved.

I've had some interesting developments since I last wrote. My sister-in-law (who still doesn't know what is happening between myself and W) has decided to take my parents to the circus as a 60th wedding anniversary present. (I don't know- don't ask! ) She invited us along via email, so it fell on me to forward the email to my W. Two weeks of my cutting off email contact, gone down the drain. I forwarded just the email- no "Hi, how are you", no "FYI": just the email. And she responds with "Sure, I'll go. Are we on for breakfast this weekend?", which is a redundant question, because we're always on for breakfast even if she doesn't show up. This is a woman who asked me to stop trying to date her, has suppressed all forms of unnecessary contact, and limits our communications to email. You would think she would be backing away from family events now that she's made her wishes for a D known. Why did she accept?

In trying to develop the "air of mystery" we discussed, I decided to do a 180 this past Sunday, and not be at home when she showed up to give me a ride to the family breakfast. I went out to Starbucks, got a frappachino and parked on a side street near my place, lying in wait for her to drive by. When she drove by (15 minutes early!), I counted to ten, and then pulled out of the side street. I know she didn't see me as I drove up, but I saw her. And her reaction. She drove up to the house, stopped the car dead when she realized my car wasn't in either parking space, sat there for a couple of seconds, and then decided to pull the car into one of the spots. I drove up behind her and pulled into the other spot shortly thereafter, dressed in a collared short-sleeved pullover and a nice ironed pair of cargo shorts, smelling of Chaps cologne and sipping my half finished frappachino. I said that I hope she wasn't waiting too long, and she said she had just pulled up. She then made a question/comment of "Having a Starbucks pre-coffee before your morning coffee?" I said something like, "Yeah, it's a double chocolate chip frappacino. It's really good. Want a sip?" She took a sip, agreed it was good and told me to get in the car. And then the real fun began! She made the comment, "You smell good." to which I replied "Thanks!" and then she started to probe a little further: "That's new for you to go out to starbucks, isn't it?", "Actually, not really." I fibbed. And I let it drop there, and so did she. I didn't really think I had her curiosity going until much later in the day at lunch when she brought up very casually that she was going to have to part company with me at 4:30 because she was going to meet the couple who were showing up at her apartment to buy her futon. Then she tacked on, "So, what are you doing this evening?". I thought to myself, "She can't POSSIBLY be asking me out later?!?!?", and I was right, but what she said when she continued was almost as good- "...are you going out to the same place you went two weeks ago when you had to leave at 4:30, or are you doing something else?....You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Despite dropping the D bomb two weeks ago, she was still trying to find out where I went that very same day?!?!?!? I couldn't believe my ears! I had actually hooked her curiosity! Fortunately, we were sitting in a restaurant at that time and the food came right then, so I was able to steer the conversation clear of giving her an answer.

She had asked me on the way to breakfast if I would mind helping her move the mattress and boxspring from our guest room into her apartment that day. I agreed. While we were loading the mattress into the car, she comes off with "I want to ask you something, and I want you to be completely honest....what do you think of my hairdo?" I went ice cold. I know a "Do I look fat in this dress" question when I hear one. I tried to shift the subject- no good. I finally buckled down, and braced for impact when I answered, "To be perfectly honest, I'm really not crazy about it." to which she (surprisingly!) replied, "Yeah, me neither.", and seemed genuine about the response. Now, the curious part is that she got her hair done this past Thursday- she just had it styled and ironed straight: not a permanent. If she didn't like it, why did she wear it that way through yesterday? Do I dare to get my hopes up that it was for me?

Much later on in the day, I had mentioned to her that I wanted to be there to help the couple move the futon out, (thinking that this was a good way to "be a friend"), but then she came back at me with, "Are you sure that you're not just wanting to be there to protect me in case anything bad were to happen?" I thought to myself that that was probably the closest thing to a hint/invite I was ever going to get so I said, "yeah, that might have something to do with it too." Shortly thereafter she said that that would be alright, but (telling me a second time) that she would probably be kicking me out directly afterward. I said OK.

After the couple left once I helped them load the futon into their minivan, I half expected my W to turn and say goodbye, but she didn't. I followed her back up to her apartment, where we took a look around, and then out of nowhere she comes up to me, says "The futon's finally gone! Yayyyy!" and gives me a blatantly contrived hug out of nowhere. I fed into it for a little bit until she said, "OK, that's enough", and I let her go. I didn't know when she was going to give me the boot, so after we made up her bed, I told her that I was going to get out of her hair, and made my way to the door. As I opened it she gave me another hug, which I returned with one arm, while the other one held the door open. And then I left.

Anyway, on a totally different topic- to answer your question: I don't know how serious the OM is about her. I don't know what to think about any of it because, although she still holds the ILYBINILWY attitude towards me, they go on little weekend trips out of town together. She has described him in the past as being "an honorable man", and him being concerned with being "a homewrecker", yet that doesn't seem to keep either of them from having sexual contact (but not intercourse) with each other "about once every other week" according to Ws report about a month ago. And she still claims that "this is not about Paul"! I confronted her about this once- I asked her, "Please help me understand this- you spend all your free time with this guy, you have sexual contact with him, and yet you tell me that "this is not about Paul". Can you please explain this to me?" She just looked down, slowly shook her head and mumbled, "I can't". All of this, and yet she claims that she STILL doesn't know how she feels about him. WTF?!?!?!?

I've been through the DR book already and have drawn up my goals, but I don't have them with me here at work. I'll try to remember to bring them in to share with you.

Talk to you soon,
-Jimbo

[Jimbo]

OK- finally remembered to bring in my goals this morning!

1. We will talk more about what we both need and want from our marriage and put those things into action.

2. We will give each other meaningful and passionate hugs, kisses and cuddling.

3. We will spend more time together as a couple.

4. She will come back home.

[sandi2]

Hey Jimbo, you still out there? Just checking in to see how things were going.



Take care,
Sandi

[Jimbo]

Hi Sandi,

Yeah, I'm still here. It's been a while, and things aren't going so well- Here's the story so far.

I know it's been a while, but I still value your advice- especially now.

Thanks,
-Jimbo