A thread called "Busted"

[TwinDad]

BACKGROUND LEADING TO THE BOMB…..

My W and I had always had a R that was on autopilot. We were both intelligent people with well defined opinions that were often close to one another but we were stubborn and hardheaded so the gap was never bridged. We had an earlier bomb about 4 years ago in which my W found herself going out partying to all hours of the night and engaging with OM and I found myself in the midst of an EA while confiding with a co-worker. I would have received an F in DBing at this time…..actually I was so bad I don’t think they would have let me into the class. Holy insecurity and clinginess Batman! When W found out about EA the whole train wreck came to a stop. Our agreement, I was to not talk about our R with EA and we were to move forward together. Some of the issues at the time

Hers:
-Major Resentment about how I handled interaction with my family
-Felt I was controlling

Mine:
-Resentment about not being a priority and coming behind her career
-Felt I was being controlled

We tried one session of MC and just shook our head. The end result, no real issues got resolved, there was a lot of talking/lecturing on both parts with little understanding (no action) and two people had their self esteem crushed.

So what do two people with crushed self esteem do…..they have babies. We tried IVF several months later and were blessed with boy/girl twins. In hindsight we were actually taking care of one of my major concerns by having children and I reciprocated by standing up to my family….I had always been a peacemaker and caught in the middle……doesn’t work!

Fast forward a couple years later. My W is becoming increasingly pressuring about having another child. Initially I was against this do to guilt issues revolving around not being able to give the children the attention I thought they needed and didn’t want to make the sitch worse and my W not helping out around the house or much with the kids. Both of those concerns started to resolve themselves and I started to warm up to the idea of another child.

At the same time my W becomes increasingly unhappy with everything in her life (job, where we live, her family, and secretly me). I start to notice odd behavior on her computer….closing windows when I walk in the room…etc. I decide to snoop and discover she is talking to an ex boyfriend from HS and keeping it secret. She knows I wouldn’t have minded, but I would want to be a part of it and would like it open. Everything else in our M seems to be going very well…..I am 90% content but 10% is eating me from the inside out (some of this due to maintaining a friendship with EA and the resulting guilt……bad idea and very self righteous). I had a business trip planned and decided to take the snooping one step too far….I set the nanny cam to record while I was out of town…..

[TwinDad]

AND HERE IS THE BOMB (10-07)

At least it wasn’t a complete un-expected bomb. She discovered my efforts to record and I admit to it and apologize for my insecurity. Most of the same old issues come up, no resolution, resentment continuing to grow. Add in a desire by W to move away and change everything in her life…including me. Again I fail miserably at DB (in fairness I hadn’t found the site or the book yet). Begging, pleading, “Do it for the family”. I heard things like
-You have to want to make it work and I don’t want to
- I love you but I am not in love with you
-We are just too different
-Kids are not a reason to stay together
-I’m numb to you
-You can’t fix this
-When I reach this point I am just done
-I don’t trust you

You name it, and then some. I won’t bore you with my responses….I am sure everyone knows what those are. I tried to be strong but failed miserably. I did stop the snooping. I got her to agree to work on things until the holidays were over. I had numerous lecturing R talks, I constantly took her emotional temperature. I accepted my faults but was insistent upon her owning up to hers….being self righteous. To me things actually seemed to improve and were looking good until a couple days after Christmas…..

[TwinDad]

ROLLERCOASTERS ANYONE?

With a spiteful tone in her voice, she said “This isn’t working!” I don’t think I have to tell you where this sent me…..for a loop. Fear, Panic, begging all over again. Because of the suddenness I decide to snoop a bit and discover that my W has been texting her ex boyfriend from HS excessively (about 300 times a month since bomb) and was going to his MS page a lot more than anyone elses. I decide to keep it too myself and observe through more snooping. The only thing I can say about snooping is that it has a massive impact on your self confidence. You might gain a little nugget of hope only to have it crushed by an “unknown”. It literally consumed me. I found myself completely incapable of being effective at work, literally crying in from of the computer screen for hours on end….getting it out there so I had the strength to face my home life when I was there. Lets just say I got as low as I believe a person can get and still see the light of day the next day.

The rollercoaster included high moments like taking a family vacation together and having a great time, talking about moving off together, other signs giving hope to the R only to have them dashed by discovering that while I was getting the kids in bed so we could spend some time in the hot tub, she was texting her EA. I would ride the high wave of hope when she would talk about expanding our family and moving off only to have it dashed by a mood swing or snooping. We had an offer on our home which we planned on selling and we looked at houses that only we could afford not just her….only to have her ask where I was going to live. The roller coaster was exhausting….hanging on every word, seeking hope for the R. At some point I even confronted her about the texting to a short term positive result only to have her say “I decided I am going to do what I want” and “you have no right to know what I am doing”. I tried to get her to go to counseling we went twice as a couple only to have her say “I have to want to go and I don’t want to”. I thought I had improved my smothering behavior only to take her emotional temperature every chance I could to get a ray of hope. I tried to get her to read a MC book with me. I tried to reason. I tried to get her to go to a weekend intensive therapy. To put it mildly I thought I was strong in many respects but in reality I was still pretty weak and far from being detached. Also I was very self righteous…..I admitted my wrong doing, I made changes in my life….she should do the same. I was fighting the good fight at least from a self righteous perspective. Yet another failing grade at DBing!

[TwinDad]

ALONG COMES DR (4-08) - EXPERIMENTING

So about two weeks before we were going to sell our house, I started to accept that we were going to be separated. I decided to look around on-line and see what I could find out about separation. In particular I was interested in “learning” how to be around my estranged W. What was typical, what sort of arrangements were made for the kids. The whole sitch was very surreal for me. I just didn’t get it. We weren’t fighting, We were sleeping in the same bed, we got along fine. It didn’t make any sense…..were things really that bad where a sep was necessary?

I feel blessed to have found this site that day. I started reading immediately and loved the pretense that I could turn this train around all by myself. I felt this is obviously what I needed because I was not going to get any help. A couple days later I decided to go to the book store and buy the DR book and really started reading. I found it very encouraging, though I found it a little awkward trying to fit in on the boards at first. For the first time in months I felt like I had hope…I started to build confidence. I started to feel that no matter what everything was going to be ok. I wasn’t all the way there, but the crying got a lot less. For the first time, anger and sorrow were replaced with empowerment.

I had always been the “doer” in the R. I did a lot of the household chores (my W was more career driven….I was more of a 9-5 type of guy…though very successful). Everyone I talked to (her friends and family, mutual acquaintances) wanted our R to work out. They all said to let her “drown” in her own space….to let her really feel it. I must say part of me was attracted to this. A part of me said “she wants to know what it is like to be sep…then I will really show her”. Obviously not coming from a good place. Naturally, I was attracted to the going “Dark-side”. This seemed so empowering….I surely must give it a try. Following the sale of our home we agreed that I would take the kids on a vacation for a week since we were homeless for two weeks (I was going to wait until she was settled in before going to a new place….her family offered for me to stay with them).

On this vacation, I decided to experiment a little bit with going dark/dim. I waited 20-30 minutes before returning texts. I would always return one, but would not initiate aside from to respond. This seemed to work very well and as the week progressed her texts became more frequent and started to include things about her day to day activities. My self confidence soared….I felt I was already making a difference just by backing off…..duh she had been telling me this all along…..she was initiating contact (and it was not always about the kids)

Since, the dark/dim approach seemed to be working I decided to really stick to it and really apply this principal. My first day without the kids, I didn’t make any contact at all except right before bed time to say good night to them. My W seemed upset that I hadn’t contacted earlier….saying something like “I was wondering if you were alive”. The next day I was invited to dinner by my BIL’s (W’s side) ex-W and her new H for dinner. They had both been down the path of D and they were just offering company. I enjoyed the company but could tell my W was very upset over this. I retorted with, if we are sep, then I should be able to do what I want with my free time and added this was not my choice for the sep. Her response was she had pretty much made up her mind top get a D and that this was just making it clear she was making the right choice. It was clear she felt like she was being abandoned by her family in this choice and felt all alone. She had received virtually no support and a lot of pressure in pursuing this path. Perhaps going dark/dim wasn’t the best choice after all………..

[TwinDad]

TIME TO RE-EVALUATE TACTICS (5-08)

It was quickly obvious from the above that dim/dark wasn’t the best approach for my sitch. The next day I was on this board and read the success story from Diehard. I was truly inspired because he preached the best friends approach. I really felt like I had hope again after reading what he went through. I also felt I would much rather be her friend than anything else….and I am supposed to be her best friend. Also this fit a lot more with my personality and it rang true to me. I accepted that I might experience more pain than if I chose another path, but I knew at the end of the day that I would be doing things from my heart and would have selflessly given my all. I also read up on Real-Giving and really started to take that to heart. I also felt it made a lot of sense. I felt if I had taken the advice of those that said to let her “drown” in her own space I would be heading to D court. I knew my W well enough to know that taking this approach would have made life extremely difficult for her, she would have had a very hard time keeping her head above water, but at the end of the day she would have found the resolve to work through it and would have nothing but anger for me or at best “needed” to have me come back instead of “wanting” me to and all the resentment that comes with it.

So I decided to take the Best Friends approach while respecting my W’s boundaries and space. I did this without expectation of reciprocation and just did things from the heart and practiced “Real Giving” possibly for the first time in my life. I truly felt detached for the first time and at peace. I also felt truly confident again. I decided to be there for her. To listen to her and just do things and keep my mouth shut aside from upbeat conversation. I knew there was a lot that needed to be done around her new house. I made myself available and just did the things that needed to be done (hooking up the washer/dryer, unpacking things, straightening out things, some laundry). My W was getting virtually no help from her family/fiends. I decided I could either be like them or truly be her “best friend” and know that many would look upon me like some kind of fool. I respected her space by no overwhelming her with the help. Basically, I let her tread water but wouldn’t let her drown (i.e. let her have the freedom to prove she could do this without making it unnecessarily difficult on her). I also worked very hard on me, especially my controlling behavior and let her take the lead and worked very hard on how I presented things.

After a couple weeks of this she started to confide in me more, and I just listened reflectively. She told me how she was having panic attacks. I just let her know that I understood she was under a lot of stress and that she could talk to me about this. When it came time for my week with the kids again she opened up and said “this just sucks”. I agreed and told her she would be ok and that this is difficult for me as well. She was crying during this and all I felt was compassion. I could have had a major backslide here and pointed out why this sep was a mistake but I just let her lead the R. I truly felt sad for her.

[TwinDad]

THE ANTI-BOMB (6-08)

Through most of the sep we had spent time with each other pretty much every day. I had always contended that this was the weirdest sep I had ever heard of. I think the biggest thing is that we had been emotionally sep for several months. As a little bit of time progressed, the time we spent together was filled with less tension and the duration was increased. We actually spent a night together as well (no physical contact). Near the end of my week with the kids, my W called me and invited me over for our Traditional wine night on Sunday evenings. She then followed it up with “You might as come back, all men are a-holes, at least I know you and you are the father of my children”. Of course being happy to hear this ringing endorsement, I followed it up with “yeah your right….besides all women are b!tches, at least I know you and you are the mother of my children”. We had a very nice evening that night.

I decided to continue what I was doing with cautious optimism. I continued to respect her space by only moving things over a little bit at a time and actually keeping my house for longer than needed. I didn’t try any R talks or push for anything else. I still let her lead the way. This eventually led to us ML for the first time in a while. I was so nervous I was actually shaking. I noticed after we were done she really tensed up a bit while we were trying to get to sleep. I had expected this already and just reached over and gently rubbed her back….she immediately relaxed and snuggled up against me. I continued with cautious optimism.

[TwinDad]

HOW TO RESOLVE (7-08)

Since the anti-bomb I had struggled with things like “Well do we talk about this, resolve our issues”, “Do we go to counseling”, etc……”what are we supposed to do now”. I decided that talking always seemed to get me in more trouble then actually fixing things. I decided to continue with what had brought me back into my W’s heart….actions. I decided I didn’t need to hear anything from my W, I just needed to see it. I really started to notice how I was becoming a priority and she was doing little acts of kindness. I continued down the same approach. I also truly forgave my W for the things I felt she had done that hurt me. I put them in the past and forgave myself for my errors. I didn’t see any need to “hash” things out, because I saw it only leading to an ill-fated R talk that would likely eventually lead to a blame game and back to square one.

Some of the actions I have seen is a desire to nest together. That has varied from buying another house together to fixing up the one we are in now. We are also continuing where we left off with regards to having another child (or possibly twins again!) and plan on going in for the IVF on her next cycle.

I actually, feel this sep was a blessing. If it wasn’t for this I wouldn’t have found this sight, I wouldn’t have met some wonderful people. I credit the sep and DB in giving me the strength to regain my self again…..something I had lost several years ago (or as some would more affectionately state as growing my balls back), and with truly knowing what it means to be a H and best friend. I also continue to consciously use many of the tools I learned from this process (PMA, GAL, listening, actions over words, act as if) on a daily basis.

[TwinDad]

GIVING BACK

I am truly thankful for what the site and the people on it have done for me. I can honestly say I get a lot of joy out of giving back through my experiences, especially if it in some way makes even a minor positive difference in your life. I truly care about everyone’s sitch that I get involved with and hope that everyone is able to be successful or at the very least come out of the other side better than how they entered. I regret that I am not able to post more often, but I wish every one the best. Thank you very much!!!!!

PS: I will always remain cautiously optimistic (I think it is a good place to be in anything in life)

I know I have rambled on quite a bit, but the two threads I linked below really encapsulate my thoughts on two pillars that I felt help me be successful


Detachment

Man-Up (see page -3)

[JCJ]

TwinDad, Thanks for this, it is so helpful!

[ms ladybug]

You're so awesome TwinDad! We love you here and hope you stick around with your advice and hugs.