When things with the OW go sour...

[lovehopefaith]

[quote=saffie]

But look at my signature line....it worked out - so never say never!!!!!

Thanks for the hope! I'm glad to see your sitch worked out.

Right now H and the OOW have had a major falling out and it's over. I snooped because I was suspicious. Of course, he is turning to his online friends -- mostly women -- to talk about his broken relationship, which makes me uneasy because this is how he found OOW #2.

However, he has also been spending more time with me, alone -- for the past two nights we have watched TV after our D went to bed. And he has kissed me on the lips. I did backslide and tell him that I missed him. He mumbled something -- he had been drinking, however -- about coming back to our bed soon. So I have hope.

As much as I love my H, don't want to lose him, and want our marriage saved, I do have reservations about the whole A thing -- I'm afraid I will not get over it, or hold it against him, or not get a sufficient "apology" for what happened or admission that he was wrong. I'm trying to read about A sitches to see what I should do. I "understand" why he went in that direction, to a point, although it doesn't excuse him for not talking to me about the state of our M before he got sucked into the A.

Saffie, how do I move to the next step? I feel him returning, and I need to navigate these waters carefully.

[jame38]

Glad things are looking better, the only advise i can give is you have to be able to forgive, this is so hard and i failed at it after 7years i pushed her away because deep deep down i didnt. She knew it, and say it in my eyes. Before you commit back make sure you can forgive him. Its a fight every day for a long time to stop those suspicous feelings. But if things turn around for you, you have to make the commitment that you will fight everyday to forgive and do it. You will owe to yourself and him! Just my thoughts, have been there and failed. But changing that now. Good luck and take care

[MsMelancoly]

Hi LFH, I see you have made some nice baby steps! If you haven't read the 5 Languages of Love, I would. But only you can push through the anger to forgiveness. Probably trust will remain a big issue to work through.

[saffie]

LHF,

Let him come to you.

If you can, try not to snoop, and act as happy as you possibly can, (I know that's hard), but if you think about it a happy smiley face is much more attractive than a sad/ angry one, which will remind your H of what he has done, and make him feel guilty.....which in turn will make him avoid you.

I nearly drove my H away again because of blame and constant nagging thoughts about OW - she was in my head ruining my M even after she was 'finished business' as far as my H was concerned. So if you can, keep things light and fluffy and loving.

[Amy M]

LHF,

I just started reading up on your thread. I'm in the same boat (except my OW is actually living here now)! At any rate, I know what you mean about not knowing if you could get over it. I'm not sure I can either. I want my H home, but what if he gets here and I want him out again!!!! So to keep my sanity, I'm focusing on only one thing at a time. I think that the fact that you are even here on the board looking for answers indicates that you have the kind of heart that could forgive, and that your committment to your M is very, very strong. Hang in there! I'll start catching up on your story, and getting to know you better! We can get through this together!

saffie, you seem to have a lot of insight, and your sitch sounds soooo like mine (the OW works for my H). I thought reading your story might give me (and LHF) some encouragement. Can you tell us how to find your old threads? Thanks!

[Babygirl]

HUGS to you!!! my H said the same thing to me, I could never be with another woman, look at all the weight I have put on! WTFever, he sure had one! He stated it wasnt about me or her, but about himself, whatever to that too, she paid him attention, said the right words, when he was weak, and boom, he started using hair gel, getting haircuts once a week, dieting, and using cologne. she also uses her boys have no daddy pity me crap. heheh i have seen her though, omg not a catch at all!!
I hope today, you are doing great!!
BG

[lovehopefaith]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for commenting on this thread, each and every one of you. I know I am not alone in my struggle to forgive in this new transition.

I went to my C today, and told her that I feel that this is my next hurdle. She said it will not be easy, but if I want my M to work I have to try and forgive so that I do not hold it against my H forever nor make him feel worse about it. There is a balance in forgiveness. Obviously I will never forget it, but I can learn to forgive, she said. And because I want my marriage saved, that's a good place to start.

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. But I do feel my H coming back to me, inch by inch, so I think I am mentally preparing myself.

[saffie]

Amy,

I came to these boards about a year after my H finished his A. I couldn't get OW out of my head and so she was continuing to ruin my M because of that even tho' she was physically gone. I really haven't had any consistent thread. If you look at my earlier posts by clicking on my name and going back to the beginning you will get a feel for what was going on.

If you ladies want me to give you a precis on here or on your thread Amy, I can do that if it is easier.

One thing I would say about OW working for one's H - I was in the lucky, (ha!!) position that my H was the CEO of the Co.. I copied all the directors contact details into my cell pone and made it very clear that I would be VERY public if H pursued his R with OW. I didn't care if he lost the Co. and our standard of living was reduced. Although a stay at home mom I was pretty sure I could go back full -time if required and get a fairly decent salary - nothing like what H earns -and we would have to downsize, but we would survive.

I used some pretty strong arm tactics to get H's attention back - but you know what - in my sitch it worked because my H thought I didn't love him anymore.....and putting up such a fight showed him I did. We used L's to resolve the OW and her employment with the Co. issues.

I don't honestly think one makes much progress until OW is history.