This could be it...

[Mojones]

I have had a few days off from work.It gave me way too much time to think.I have been dredging up old thoughts about H and his reactions, things said by and about the ow.It has been torture so every time I go there I bring myself back into the present. I prayed today to try and give my situation to God.

I am so fearful that my h will cheat again because we have not discussed what happened since he has been back home and honestly I don't feel good not having a conversation about how things happened to begin with. Throughout our relationship my husband has crossed boundaries and when I have questioned him on it he has bullied me into submission claiming that I am a jelous person. Feeling terrible for having accused him I would back down. I feel like I need to hear him say that he will not do this to me again, I feel like I need him to say that he will not do the things that lead this to happen. Another part of this is that his best friend that keeps in touch with ow has not called my h since May. I prayed today that God continues to keep this friend away for a while because I am not ready to deal with h being with this friend that he REFUSES to give up....the friend called today out of the blue. I don't know if that is God's way of telling me that I am in danger...I am always looking for God's message for me.
My H does not want to talk about ANYTHING. I feel like tonight I need to or I will burst. My heart is aching because I am so afraid to have this conversation. I am afraid he will tell me it is not worth it if I don't trust him, afraid that he will leave, afraid that he will lie to me...afraid. Sorry this is so long. I am having such a tough time tonight.

[Livin4ME]

(((Mo))) The only thing I can say for sure is to continue to give it to God. It's going to be hard not to take it back from Him, but pray that He gives you strength and reminds you that He has control of the situation.
I am praying for you!

[Mojones]

I have posted on here that I have been feeling this overwhelming feeling that my h is up to something. He has had some text messages to a woman on his phone.I got a hold of his phone tonight. He was planning on seeing this person but said he couldn't because it was his anniversary to which she replied "yikes glad you remembered," Nothing innappropriate except that there were two separate mentions of my h supposed to be meeting up with these women...maybe as friends I don't know and i don't care. He lies to me.I can't say anything to him.

I am afraid of how I feel right now. It is somewhere between crazed, anxious, sad, angry and like I just want to be committed. I would never kill myself but it hurts so bad...I want to hurt myself or him or them I just want to know where I stand once and for all...I think i know. If he doesn't love me why is he here? How can he do this to me? If I call him on this he will leave me and yet what does it say about me if I let it go? I can't confront him in the right way..so I ignore it...and I become ignorant once again. I am freaking out right now. i know other peoples stories are very bad too so I am sorry to be so selfish...people don't always respond to me but I really need someoone. i am coming from raw emotion right now and I don't know what to do. It feels like D day.

[SDFoundGirl]

Employ the 48-hour rule. No actions, no conversations on any of this w/H for the next 48-hours. It will give you time to think and let calm, rational thought prevail instead of an emotional reaction. Acting right now won't help anything, and if you still, once calm, want to address the issue, a couple of days won't hurt.

I know it's hard, but you don't know the story. DB basics: GAL, work on PMA, 180s, stop snooping, focus on YOU. You can only control you, and like I said, you don't have the full story.

But for now, breathe. Take a bath. Read a book. Listen to soothing, beautiful music. NO R talk. Now is the time to fake it until you make it.

You can do this. You are okay. You will be okay no matter what, alright?

SD

[Mojones]

Thank you for responding. I feel so not ok right now. I have not felt this irrational for a while. I will try to wait 48 but I am scared. I am going out tommorrow. I don't want him to be out starting up a new affair while I celebrate my friends wedding. I don't want to be a stupid sucker any more. Doing all of the DBing makes me feel like I am being ignorant some times. Does that make sense? It makes me feel like I am actually treating myself badly sometimes.

[SDFoundGirl]

Sweetie~

There is nothing YOU can do to keep him from starting another A if he wants to or to keep him in the M if he decides to leave. We are only responsible for ourselves. Also, you are not a "fool" or any other term for trying to trust your H and rebuild your marriage. It is a decision you are making for YOU.

Applying terms like fool and worrying about what your H having another A says about you is your ego talking. Unfortunately, if you listen and take seriously what your ego says, you will continue to hurt yourself with your thoughts.

What does Mo want for herself? What are her decisions? Get clarity about what you are willing to work through and what is the point of no return. Only you know these things, and they are the only things that matter. Not what others might think, not whatever story society likes to make about what it means because your H had/has an A.

You are only in control of your own choices in life. You are NOT a victim--you can choose to leave at any time, but at this point, you are choosing to stay and work on your M.

Now, back to DB basics. Until you are completely happy with yourself and know you will be okay no matter what your H chooses to do, no R is going to work out all that well. Go to your friend's wedding, celebrate, and let go of what ifs about your H. Either he's going to have another A, or he's not. That's about HIM and his beliefs that happiness lies outside of himself. He may try to make it about you, but that's only to avoid responsibility for his own happiness.

You can do this. I promise.

SD

[Mojones]

This advice is truely sound. Probably some of the best I have recieved yet. I understand the bit about the ego talking but I don't know how to work on myself and let go completely of the notion that he could end up having an A again that I don't find out about putting my physical and mental health at risk.

I am a bit more rational today. This M has so many ups and downs. I asked him out right about the calls because he could tell something was wrong. He explained it and seemed to be sincere. I told him that since he has come home he has yet to say to me that he will not do that to me again and that I am safe. I told him that I can't gaurantee that I will never wonder but just hearing that attempt to provide some consolation would make me feel a little better. He said exactly these things to me without getting angry like he usually would. Today we had an amazing day together most unexpectedly. I question whether he is bi polar so I never know how each day is going to go but today was good.
I know I would be ok if he left but you hit it right on the nose...it is a huge blow to my esteem/ego but more importantly I don't enjoy being around anyone else in this world as much as him and he would be sorely missed. I have made up my mind that if he were to have another A I would be done. I WILL not try any more at that point.
I am going to focus more on myself in my counseling sessions because they have revolved around him. You were right. I need to fix some things about myself. I really hope that you continue to check in on me. I do feel better. I REALLY needed this. I appreciate everyones help when I get it.

[Mojones]

I am starting to realize that my self esteem sucks. I start to feel better and the slightest thing sets me back. H keeps talking about this girl he calls "shorty rock" at work who is supposively 19 years old and she does all of these things he considers cool. I have always wanted to know how to blow glass and tonight he told me that she gave him a website that SHE used to learn it. This of course did not make me want to be like"yeah let me get right on there and learn how to do it like SHE suggested." I feel very inadequate. I keep feeling like I am never going to be good enough for him and it makes it hard to "focus on me." I don't even feel worthy of that right now. I always seem to think about him and D13 and how what I do will benefit them. I can't even think of the first thing I would do for ME that I enjoy that wouldn't cost too much or interfere with their life. On top of this, H is depressed because he doesn't like his job and he has been saying he is going to leave but "people" talk him out of it. I can't help but wonder if "shorty rock" is the one to talk him out of it. Everyone here seems to just get it. They don't obsess over any possible OW, they GAL easily...I can't seem to relax about my h, I can't seem to get GALing because I have revolved around them for 13 years. I feel like giving up sometimes like just saying "well he is interested in someone else again adn I will never be good enough I might as well just go about my life until he tells me or I find out." I try to think of things to do but I have to admit I always think "what would he find interesting?" I have to try so hard where it might come easy to someone else. I am a smart person and I know logically that I can't let someone define my worth but if I am brutally honest I have a horrible time getting past it. His opinion and his acceptance and love for me have way too much significance and I don't know how to think differently because I never have. What it boils down to is when I don't feel like I have these things from him, or if I am unsure, I feel crushed. I want to be strong like most of you but I am just not sure how. I can't seem to get to step one long enough. SDFoundGirl asked me what I want for myself and all of my answers when I thought about it had him in them. That is probably not good. Can anyone relate? Is this part of recovering or something else?

[karen43]

I keep feeling like I am never going to be good enough for him and it makes it hard to "focus on me." I don't even feel worthy of that right now. I always seem to think about him and D13 and how what I do will benefit them. I can't even think of the first thing I would do for ME that I enjoy that wouldn't cost too much or interfere with their life.

Hi, Mo! I used to be like that too, felt like I would be selfish if I did stuff for myself or spent money on myself. Focused about 90% on my kids and maybe the 10% left over on H and nothing for me. But then your self-esteem is horrible, I was depressed and not a good mom for the kids. I am much better mom b/c of GALing. Everything I do is free or really cheap. I auditioned for a musical and did that, taekwondo (at the Rec Center for $10 a month.) The local rec center also has step aerobics and yoga, also $10 a month which I want to try. I volunteer a bunch now: a political group, my church, and the theatre, which of course is free. I jog with my kids and dog. We have a virtual movie club here where we went movies once or 2x a month and watch them together (well virtually), and then chat online after. Visit kat's thread if you want to get on that!!!

And the truth is, he is not good enough for you! He has helped you to lose confidence and not reassured you it seems in any way. That is not cool. He should be thanking God every day that he still has you!!! Karen

[hopeful4her]

Hey Mo.

Just read over your stuff. Believe me, we all feel like we're crazy in one way or another.

Especially me. Don't believe me? Check it out, but get comfortable. My posts are long. Some are in better places than others, but we come here and vent. I put it ALL out there for all to see. It's my release, and I have made some truly great friends here.

We really care for one another. It takes time. You have to place your focus on you and not on him. You cannot control his actions nor his feelings. Only yours. And sometimes, not even that.

Let God help you. You and the kids are what is most important. Remember that.