Condensed Version of my Story

[firedog31d6]

Hey all, I really need some advice from you wise DBer's and thought maybe my initial thread was too long for everyone to read.

Here's my story again (condensed)

Wife dropped the bomb in March of 07 and gave the ILYBNILWY speach, asking me if I would move in with my mother. I did so reluctantly and we got back together 2 weeks later when I decided to acknowledge everything that I had done wrong over our marriage and promised her that I would make it up to her. I did not know didly about DB at that time, but fortunately for me, it worked somehow and she let me come home. I made good on most of my promises and did a bunch of 180's not even knowing what they were. I just knew that I had to change my behavior patterns that weren't working to begin with. I lost 70 lbs and became attractive to her again, stopped taking anti-depressants, got a job promotion, and began to change many of my attitudes towards her and became more effectionate.

Things got very good... and our marriage was better than I had ever remembered it. My wife began to see the changes in me and she responded very quickly. We were "in love" all over again and life was great.... Then

About 6 months after we reconcilled, say around the beginning of 08', I began to notice an abrupt change in her towards me. She began to withdraw from me physically again, and started falling aslepp on the couch. I did my best to give her some space, but after weeks turned into a month, I began to worry that something bad was happening, so I started to confront her. At first, she just attributed her new attitude to being stressed from working too much. But I could tell that there was more to the story. She started spending more time at work and was not acting interested in me anymore at all. I became suspicious of an affair and began to ask her about this. She was withdrawing from me while at the same time, taking extra special care of herself and going out of her way to look attractive.

I then began to let my suspicions get the best of me and started smothering her. I began to check up on her more often and even became a bit hostile towards her at times. This just made it worse and certainly didn't make her change her attitude towards us. I wish I had read Michelle's books before all this, but oh well huh! Anyway, it finally came to a head, when she gave the "I think we need some time apart" speech again back in May... almost exactly 1 year after the first episode. This rocked me so hard because I had done so much to change and our R was going so well.

I panicked! After moving into my Aunt's house, I began to do just about everything wrong you could imagine. I mean calling her and appologizing for everything, crying, begging her to give it another chance, promising things would change (again), quoting scriptures to her to make her feel guilty about her decision, reminding her how much I have changed and that I may not be perfect, but I have always been faithful to her and have worked hard all these years to provide for her and my family etc... you all know what I'm talking about. Then, when she would reject me, I would become angry and accuse her of having an affair.

Then I really screwed up by snooping around. I was even going to hire a private investigator, and have her put under surveillance. Well, she found out about that... then she found out that I had been going through her things while she was gone....I told her that I deserved to know the truth, and that I had every right to do what I needed to to find out...

Anyway... after two months of emotional roller coaster rides, and obviously no progress with her.. I decided to move back home against her wishes. I told her that I was a grown, educated man who worked hard to provide a home for his family and that it wasn't fair for me to have to live as a guest in my cousins bedroom when it was her decision to separate to begin with. I told her politely that it was just time for me to come home and that if she wanted to leave, then I would not stop her. I continued to try to change her mind though and when I came back home, we had a long conversation about the R. and she told me about everything I had ever done wrong in the R and that how we got married for the wrong reasons, maybe she never really loved me... blah blah...and I finally just asked her "why then have you not asked me for a divorce since that appears to be what you want?". She said that she was trying to figure out how she was going to make it all work on her own. So I said "so you're telling me that you have made up your mind and this is what you want?" She silently nodded. Then I asked her "what now?" She said that we would have to co-exist under one roof until she could find a place of her own. I broke down and asked her if I couldn't be her husband right now if we could at least be friends and she said she would work on that.

Anyway, that was 3 weeks ago. Since then, I have implimented some LRT's. I have not back-slidden one time, and have done many 180's. I have begun to "act as if" and have done my best to remain upbeat around her. We have made plenty of small talk since then, and things have been going well I guess. Until last night, she has not brought up the R and neither have I.

Last night, I read an email from her stating that she had been approved for an appartment and would be moving out by the 29th. You can check out the email along with my response here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1564365

[ms ladybug]

I think your reply to her email was perfect. It was so sweet that it gave me the chills when I read it. Of course, this is coming from me and not the WAW.
Give her what she wants. She doesn't want you to talk her out of leaving, don't. DO NOT give her any thing to complain about as far as YOU are concerned. Give her what she's asking for. Eventually, she'll see that she's STILL not happy. And, she won't be able to blame it on you anymore. You can be her friend, but please make sure you give her lots of space. Let her drown in her space. This isn't going to be what she thought it would be. She needs to find that out on her own.

[firedog31d6]

Thanks bug

I am doing my best to give her that space. I feel that I have behaved so poorly throughout this separation, and if I had just done this from the beginning, I would probably have her back by now, but who knows?

[ms ladybug]

We've all done it. Acted out of desperation because in the beginning, well, we're desperate. You can't kick yourself for it anymore. Just go forward now.