There is a post Survival phase...that has caught me a little off guard.
After my D, I was focused on surviving and getting my life back on track. And that period of time coincided with serious career growth spurt.
The D and career challenges engendered a sense of drive and determination. And now that both of those aspects of my life have settled. Well - I find myself missing that impetus - that drive... And I also feel like dropping everything and just sitting for awhile...
While personal R's are a challenge - professional ones come very easily to me... And I am at a point in my career where I could rise even higher rapidly b/c I somehow ended up being good at this business of rainmaking... Who would have thought...quiite a change from my work-related posts from 2-5 years ago where I was terrified of ending up under a bridge with my cats.
BUT - I feel this sense of being a little goalless... I am going to try and take a month off work later on this year... try being the operative word here... Really my life is wide open with so many choices. I need to figure out NOT what am I capable of doing - rather what do I WANT to do...
I don't really feel like driving myself into the ground with work and house stuff... I feel like I have been in "feel no pain" keep moving forward mode for 5 years now - actually longer b/c the first of 4 bombs came 7 years ago. I need a break.
I suppose I could set a goal of going out on a date. I am not sure why this is so hard for me. I mean I dated lots of men before I got M. And I was in several R's before I got married. I am very comfortable with my male girlfriends. I am usually at ease with men - so long as it is platonic.... So where is this mental block coming from....
In any case - other that The Block - life is good! I am very lucky to be where I am 5 years post-D.
Thank you for the compliment sg... But I'm afraid I haven't earned it yet... I have not ventured outside my comfort zone...
I have achieved every single goal I have set for myself. I documented it in this forum these past 5 years. Every single goal was an achievable goal - in the sense I believed I could do it. And I did whatever it took to get where I needed to go... I pushed myself - BUT I never really ventured outside of my own comfort zone... I never really risked failure...
The one goal I didn't achieve. The one thing I failed at in my life was my marriage. I became The Wife when I got married...and my marriage failed anyway.
Everytime I think beyond platonic R with a man - my mind fast forwards to all the reasons why it simply cannot work. I nip it in the bud before it even gets started.
And during my vacation - the people I talked to immediately saw through my R (avoidance) rules... As each R (avoidance) rule was challenged - I came up with a new one... I have a full-proof R (avoidance) flowchart.
I am not afraid of getting hurt. I got over The X - there is no pain. I am afraid of failing again. The rational part knows it takee two to make an R work. However The Block is there b/c I am a control freak and a perfectionist and simply do not believe I know how to make an non-platonic R with a man work... I failed once - a part of me is not ready to take the risk that I might fail again...
When I usually set a goal - I can see what I need to do to get where I want to go... With this R-business - I can't see the path...
Sigh...time to schedule an appointment with my C....
>>>I am afraid of failing again....simply do not believe I know how to make an non-platonic R with a man work.
All we can do AG is be who we are. We have no control over others. Just ourselves. Following through on being who we are and not trying to control every detail of life is very hard work. Especially for perfectionists and controllers. I've been there. And I still have to catch myself from falling into old habits.
I told Ellie in the beginning that whenever she saw me doing or saying something that made her unhappy to pull out a big stick and let me have it. She's had to do that several times since we've been together. :-) It's not natural for her (or anyone for that matter) to have to let me have it. I've had to learn to recognize that when she's upset (for whatever reason)I need to NOT be afraid to ask what's wrong.
Asking what's wrong is something I used to do in the beginning of my marriage. It's something I stopped doing with my x-wife over time when 'wrong' felt like 'controlling' over me. In hindsight, I should never have stopped asking her what's wrong. I regret not having addressed the controlling and how it made me feel. Over time it just became easier not to deal with it. Big mistake on my part. ...Soup
AG Could you look into the professional singles group or find a like minded group that meets once every few weeks. Interaction to learn how to function that environment without an all or nothing filter could be an alternative.
Sometimes taking small steps helps you to learn what path is better to explore but not go running down all the way.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
AG Could you look into the professional singles group or find a like minded group that meets once every few weeks. Interaction to learn how to function that environment without an all or nothing filter could be an alternative.
Sometimes taking small steps helps you to learn what path is better to explore but not go running down all the way.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
What if that is not conducive to an LTR... I find myself thinking that thought over and over again. With The X - he thought he wanted someone that was independent and worked. And that is what he married again. He was proud of my professional achievements but really he needed a full time wife. And he needed to be the primary earner. He needed me to need him in a traditional sense.
I already know that with my career and children - I can't do everything that a stay at home wife does. I tried it once - I can't do it again.
Sometimes I am going to be too tired to talk. Sometimes the house will be a mess. Sometimes I will be cranky. And sometimes I will need my "cave" time. There will be times when work will get in the way. I need time to decompress after work - that transition time. The X use to want to talk - and really sometimes I just said - uh huh w/o really listening b/c I was tired. And sometimes I just need space.
I think sometimes I feel exhausted just thinking about being in an R...
I did join a meet up group that caters to single professionals and they also use the word athletic - so it includes stuff like walks for charity and more intense stuff for those are looking for that.
I am going to a local wine tasting festival with that group this weekend.
Quote:
Sometimes taking small steps helps you to learn what path is better to explore but not go running down all the way.
You right.... My mind fast forward to being married again. My marriage was exhausting and there are times I wonder if I am suited for an LTR.
Even though - I can't see a path or how an LTR can work for me. In the past I use to put this on the backburner and move onto other things. This time - I will keep "putting" myself out there.
I was talking to another woman on my vacation. She is my age and living with a guy that is 11 years younger. As we were talking about this whole R issue - I just found myself saying - I just can't sort and match socks again.
She pointed out that didn't explain The Block since none of the men at the Resort were wearing socks! She also said I need to start with a kiss! LOL! Just to prove that when you kiss someone - you do not wake up the next morning married to them.
I was only married a little over 5 years. And really 2 of those years were spent on endless trips to Germany to deal with family member after family member getting sick and dying. Everytime the phone rang - someone was diagnosed with something new, some treatment wasn't working, someone was in a coma - and we took a three month leave of absence to care for his parents in Germany. His grandmother came to stay with us for three months - she only spoke German and was going blind - it was work caring for her. And my brain use to hurt from trying talk in German after a long day at work. And there was that whole trying to be The Wife thing. And of course the last year and a half was Carpet Bombing - total of 4 bombs.
My head can see that this 5 year R was exhausting and there is an explanation. But in my head - I have come to associate an LTR with exhaustion. I have posted about being tired these past 5 years - but it was nothing compared to when I was married.
And yes, it was a tough time for The X with everyone dropping dead - but it was really hard being the strong one all the time.
And part of it probably stems from having an extremely high maintanence mother. My mother is an energy vampire. The truth is these R hiatus's from her are a welcome break for me.
In my head - I have come to associate an R with having to always be strong. Since I have been on my own - there has been less stress - and I have had time to fall at times. I have had time to take care of me.
I think I need to slow down my brain and my head and baby steps.
During the past few years, every time I bumped into a man that didn't respect boundaries - I ran away telling myself - there really is no one out there. I won't run away this time. But I think it will take time to re-wire my brain into believing that not all R's are a burden.
On a different note, I am going to call my father this weekend and ask him if he wants to go to Ankgor Wat or Petra. And then set up a trip in December. I won't go to India - I will just fly him to where we will meet. Of course talking to him won't help convince me that R's are not energy suckers - he was married to my mother.
I guess I do take an R for granted at times - one where I didn't have to be the strong one - my relationship with my father.
It was hard for me to see that b/c my mother demonized him for such a long time b/c she has been putting him down for as long as I can remember. My brother still hates my father and will have nothing to do with him. My sister has a "secret" R with him that she keeps my from my mother. My mother demands absolute loyalty - and if she feels that you are not on her side - well she pulls out her weapons of mass destruction. And she has this way of "acting as if" she wants us to have an R with our father - while putting him down in a way that I can't put my finger on...
My father did make a mistake. After his D - he disappeared from out lives for 5 years. He just fell apart and needed time to pull himself back together again. My mother presented that further evidence of how awful he was.
But the truth was that he was always a phone call away if we needed him. And my father has never failed me. And we talked a lot about what happened when he stayed with me during my own D.
He has always believed in me more than I believe in myself. He has never ever thrown any mistake I have ever made in my face. And always lets things go. No score keeping. Unconditional love. And during those times of my life where I really needed someone - he has always been there. I know I can fight with him and it is still okay. No withdrawal of love as punishment for disagreeing.
When my mother is sick - she has to be the center of attention. It is a huge drama. Her problems always become our problems - otherwise it is a sign we don't care. My father had a heart attack and told my aunt to not tell us. I was angry with him for not telling me. But he didn't want to worry us.
The X did bear more of a resemblence to my mother than my father. Maybe I need to believe there are men like my father out there.
