Wk 1 consisted of constant crying, trying to text him, call him, email him, IM him at least once a day (but never more than 2xs/ day).
This past weekend I was heading out of town Fri-Mon so Mike was going to come back to the house (after all, it is half his house, half his stuff). I made sure that I had cleaned the house from top to bottom, mowed the lawn, etc so that he would be greeted with a clean house & no chores to do. I also wrote him a 5 page letter that I left for him to read. I really debated on leaving the letter, but I read it to my mom & sister (who usually agree w/ all of the DB rules) and they both thought it was ok to leave it.
The letter was all about the changes that I'm going to make. So never once did I say "Mike, you need to change or we need to work on this" Instead I focused on 5 key things that I'm going to focus 1) no more threats to leave 2) I will listen better to his needs 3) I will place less empahsis on my job & more on my marriage 4) I will be less strong-willed (or as he views it "less manipulative") Basically I said that these are the things I've thought about that I can change. And then I wrote about how I understand how frustrated he is with our marriag and also wrote about my confidence in our marriage, me being able to make changes on my end, how I don't want him to give up on us, etc. And I ended it by saying that having said all of this, I still understand his need for space & will do my best to respect that.
So, as I am away this weekend I get an IM from Mike while I'm online saying "hope you got there ok. I got your letter. It was very nice" and then he hopped right off of IM. Now, my letter was sincere, but "very nice" is not the way to describe it. I instantly called him and he seemed annoyed/scared/hesitant to hear from me. I said that he was being very polite in saying that it was nice, but I really meant everything I said very sincerely. And then he said "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" So then I tried to make small talk w/ him, asking about his family, the dog, etc. And he talked just a little bit but kept trying to get off the phone.
So I get home last night on Monday night and I'm not sure what I'll encounter when I get home. The last time I arrived home from a flight was when Mike waited for me to get home & then told me that he had decided to leave me. So I was nervous that he was there & waiting to tell me that he decided he wanted a divorce. But instead, he wasn't there, and he had left me a 3 page letter in response to mine.
His letter was basically 3 pages of how he feels let down by our marriage, he's disappointed in himself, he feels like we've tried everything & nothing works, he's scared to go on with me because what if we never "fix" our problems, he's been trying since January to "fix" us by going to counseling, reading a marriage book, etc and we're still not fixed. He hates the emotional ups & downs that we experience, he hates that he lashes out at me when he's frustrated, he hates feeling stressed out all the time about our marriage and that walking away from me was the hardest thing he's ever had to do but he needs distance so he can "think". he says that for the first time he's out of answers and that he has no confidence that we can ever get our marriage right. That was the jist of it. It was polite, not accusing or angry.
So, now I'm not sure what to do... I want to follow up & tell him that it only seems hopeless now, but it's really not. That if he & I both continue to work at it that we will see positive results. That we both want the same things & that we just need to get along better. I think that Mike thinks that marriages are supposed to be totally easy-going all of the time, and I'm not sure how to break it to him that marriages are constant hard work. In one part of the letter to me he mentioned that he wanted our marriage to be problem-free, stress-free, and having emotional bliss -- but that seems a tad unrealistic to me for any marriage. I think that Mike is just locking himself away & not talking to anyone about all of these things, so the more he keeps to himself & doesn't talk to a counselor, his friends, his parents... the more our situation is just going to snowball in his mind to a huge insurmountable situation. He feels like he has zero control over our outcome & I don't know how to convince him otherwise.
It seems to me that we should be able to break down our problems into logical steps & work on them. That's what my letter to him was all about -- my piece of it & what I can do to help our relationship improve. For all the "thinking" he's done while we've been separated, it doesn't seem that he has thought about his piece in this or action steps for improvement. I think his "thinking" is really "brooding" and "wallowing" in desperation.
So what do I do next? Stay dark? Write him an email to validate him? Send a letter to his parents house where he's staying? Don't I need to say something in response to the letter he wrote to me. After all, him writing the letter was starting communication with me (although he did not indicate that he wants any more communication with me).
I'm also starting to get angry at this point that while I'm thinking of what we can do to improve our relationship, I have a husband who is just avoiding the subject/ and me all together. And I'm worried that if he does come back, I'll resent him for having abandoned me. I want this marriage to work, I want to be with Mike, but now I'm getting these defensive feelings like "don't I deserve a husband who wants to fight the hard fight?" Don't I want a husband who is mature enough to work through conflict?
Starbuck: Do not look for logic in what is happening with your H - it is not there - and will not solve the problems. What you have to start working on - first and foremost - is you. I don't know if it's time to stay dark - but it's definitely time to work on 180s and to find ways to find a PMA - positive mental attitude for you.
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It seems to me that we should be able to break down our problems into logical steps & work on them. That's what my letter to him was all about -- my piece of it & what I can do to help our relationship improve. For all the "thinking" he's done while we've been separated, it doesn't seem that he has thought about his piece in this or action steps for improvement. I think his "thinking" is really "brooding" and "wallowing" in desperation
I had this exact same response to my wife - and it took me a long time to get through it - maybe longer than most - but you have to push through and stop believing that there is some way you can convince your H to see things differently. It will not work - and you will find yourself feeling more and more frustrated day by day. You have got to think about you - about what makes you attractive, about your strengths, about what you've neglected in yourself, about new, positive things you can discover in you.
You're doing what a lot of us do at first - and I think it's part of the process - you're blaming him and finding his faults and focusing a lot of attention on what he's done wrong. Try to let that go - I know it's hard, and might even seem impossible - but you have to stop blaming him and putting your efforts into assigning blame (like your thoughts of him abandoning you).
Keep reading other threads here - dive in, look at the frustration people have when they first post - and how their outlook starts to emerge, grow and become more positive as they begin to take better care of themselves first. The odd truth is that you cannot do anything, and I mean anything about your marriage until you take care of yourself first - and sometimes that means recognizing what you've done that brought you to where you are now...Yes, I know, it's ridiculous that one person should have to do so much or even all of the work right now -but that's how it is - and that's how it's going to be for a while - maybe longer than you would expect - and so you should look through the posts of people that started where you are and read where they find themselves two or three months later.
As you go through, look for posts that speak to you - that remind you of what you're going through - and share your thoughts on those threads - the more you converse with others here the more we'll be able to help you.
We're here for you - we know it hurts - we know the pain is impossible sometimes, but we also know that, for whatever reason, it's usually the best of what's inside you that brings you to this site. Someone once commented that fixers come here - and I think it's true - and often we come here because we've finally hit a situation where our fixes don't work - we need new tools - we need new guidance and we need the compassion of others to lift us up sometimes from some of the profoundest lows we could ever imagine.
About the letter explaining the changes you're going to make - ignore his response - he read it - digested it - and it's done. Now don't write another letter like that - don't talk about the changes you're going to make - show him - you have to think in terms of actions, not words...and when you talk with him - be the first to get off the phone. Change things around. Do 180s. Jump into the DBing process and be patient. Above all be patient...learning to DB takes time - and then implementing what you've learned takes even more time...
