Trixi and His Highness

[NikB]

How ya doing, Trixi? Any tail fluffing this weekend?

[Trixi]

LOL- "tail fluffing" too funny FYI, I liked your statement that I chirp but I don't fluff my tail.
Busy weekend; big glass event a couple hours away. Went Friday night, stayed in hotel to get there first thing. Got to see lots of peoples' work up close and personal, so that was really cool. I was shy for most of the day and spoke to just a few people, no one "big".
We were supposed to bring beads for trade and at the end of the day, people were breaking out their stashes and trading, so I took out my trade beads and also brought out a "brag" box of some earrings, bead sets, dog head beads, etc just to show what else I do. I was shocked at the response. The guy I buy glass from wants to know how much I charge for the dog head beads; two different people said I was their favorite trade of the day; One lady asked if she could buy a pair of earrings; someone else (who does production beads) was impressed at my consistency-- all in all- it was awesome!

Yesterday H came over for dinner; he obviously was very glad to see me even though he was tired from his camping trip. He said they partied pretty hard. I asked him if there was so much debauchery that he couldn't tell me about the trip and he laughed and said "what happens camping, stays at camping". I am sure that nothing "bad" happened- but probably nothing "good" either.

Last night the H that I really like was here. He was attentive, cuddly, sweet, passionate, complimentary, fun, helpful, affectionate, funny, tender-- it's THAT H that makes me stick it out. We were having a little smooch outside and he kisses my eyebrows and says "do you pluck your eyebrows?" and I say "not really- just here to grab strays" and he says "You have really nice eyebrows" and kissed them again. Awwwww. I know, that probably sounds stupid, but I loved it.

Last night, we were sitting at the table playing cribbage. The lights were down low and I had candles lit. It was POURING rain outside. He was staring at his cards trying to decide which two to throw into the crib and as I looked at him and then at the pouring rain outside and then back at him, inside my cozy little house, I felt good. "Good" like- this is what it's supposed to feel like when you spend your life with someone. I wish it could be a permanent thing.

I saw this on "LoginName"s thread:
"Without making an ultimatum (I wasn't trying to manipulate my W into anything, just telling her how I felt, what I was going to do - lot's of "I" statements), I told my W I needed to move on. I wasn't going to file, I'm in no hurry, but I was done, couldn't wait for her to decide anymore. Then I started (for the, what, third time?) mourning my marriage, future, etc. but felt strong and healthy doing it."

I am not ready to say this to my H, but I wanted to post it so I can refer to it later if I need to. I have been confused as to how to drop the rope without making it seem like I actually want a D.

I still deeply love my H, I still believe that if he would fully commit, we could have an amazing marriage.

No R talks last night, no big revelations-- just a really nice night.

Currently, I don't feel any need to fluff, chirp or bite.

[NikB]

I am not ready to say this to my H, but I wanted to post it so I can refer to it later if I need to. I have been confused as to how to drop the rope without making it seem like I actually want a D.

I don't think you have to do this. I still think you can influence the situation through ACTIONS without having to talk about it at all.

You were unavailable all weekend and you two had a darn good night together - remember that!

Glad you liked the tail fluffing analogy.

[MaxP]

Hey Trixi,

Sounds like the weekend was really great. Some wonderful feedback there on your work. You must feel very proud.

Sounds like you've been having a few nice moments together with your H too.

I guess with regard to ultimatums (ultimata?), one day you will get to the stage when you are ready. Trust how you feel about that. You aren't there yet, so that's good to know.

Take care,

Max

(Like the tail fluffing talk too ...)

[Trixi]

Thanks for checking in guys.

Sorta in a funk right now; guy friend of mine kind of went off on me this morning. Not directed at *me*, but at my H. Basically, his opinion is that my H is 'done' with me, but can't seem to pull the plug. Lot's of 'your H is an a$$hole', 'you can do better'. *sigh*

Wednesday night was Spanish night. Nothing special from that night. Yesterday he called me to bring me up to speed on his job situation and the offer they gave him and how it stacks up to his current deal. Basically, he works for company B and is paid by company A. Company B is wanting to convert him from being an A employee to a B employee. If he changes to a B employee he loses lots of stock awards from company A. So, if he converts to a B employee his job stays the same; if he decides to stay as an A employee, he will have to find a job within company A. Make sense? LOL Anyway, it was nice that he called to tell me about it.

I made some beads today for "Beads of Courage". Kids with cancer are given a necklace with their first name in beads and then every time they go thru a treatment, they get a bead to put on the necklace. Once they are done with treatment, they get a Purple Heart bead. (It just has to be heart shaped and have some purple on it.) There is one other special bead-- it's a butterfly bead that is given to the parents of their child doesn't make it. I have TONS of "orphan" beads that need a home, so I'll send those in, plus I made some heart beads that turned out really cool (if I do say so myself -ha ha). I did make a couple butterflies-shed a few tears and prayed for the parents that would go thru the pain of losing their "baby".

Think I am going to try to find a Quickbooks class so I can at least consider getting a part time bookkeeping job. I was a full charge bookkeeper for 15 years, but I used an industry specific accting software and all the ads say Quickbooks knowledge is required. Don't plan to quit real estate; just need to have a stable income until things pick back up. Hopefully I'll be able to find a class that just deals with the mechanics of the software and doesn't waste time with accounting principals.

Anyway- Sunday H will come over and we'll do the farmer's market; maybe go hiking Monday.

Like I say; kinda in a funk right now.

Hope you all have a good weekend

[NikB]

Hey Trixi,

Good to hear from you!

Uuugggh I can remember going to the state fair last year with my H and a couple friend of ours, and suddenly LOSING it in the midway. H and guy-friend were on a ride and a "trigger song" came on and I burst into tears and told her "he's so DONE with me!!" She urged me to get away, reminded me how I told her I was relieved when he moved out last year and I was finally happy... fast forward a year, and she is thrilled that H and I are now happy and relaxed together, she didn't even think it was POSSIBLE based on how I was last year. It's tough dealing with friends, they just want to see you NOT HURT.. and they don't always realize that "pull the plug" may not be the answer.

It's great he called you about his job!! Glad to see that.

Oh my gosh.. what a beautiful thing you did with those beads!! That is so neat. I'm in tears.

I used to do a project bringing Christmas trees and ornaments to kids in the hospital.. I remembered how much it sucked being in there and not having a tree to decorate. It was a pain in the a$$ with all the regulations, one of which was having to use live (less flammable) trees. I saw a story in the paper years later about how one of the kids had died shortly after Christmas and she planted the tree and it had thrived - and she was so grateful to have that reminder. Sorry to hijack a bit.. just saying.. those families probably appreciate it WAY more than you know. I bet you'll even find that out, one day. What a wonderful thing to do with your "extra" beads and especially kudos to you for making the heart-breaking butterfly ones.

Make it a great weekend, Trix!

[NikB]

Sorry my post was confusing! I meant H was on the ride with guy friend, I was talking to his W..

same point, just trying not to be totally confusing.

[Purple]

I wasn't confused NIk! U explained it just fine!

[NikB]

Thanks Purple! It was late so I think I confused myself more than anyone else.. haha.

Trixi I don't know if this is the 'right' time for this post for you - but it sure helped me out when Oldtimer posted it to me and it was the right time for me to hear it. I just posted it on my thread but wanted to pass it on to you too. I don't think you're doing the "needy clingy" thing as much, but I do think the "jumps up to get coffee every time you do" might speak to you a bit?

Credit completely and totally goes to Oldtimer for this..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post679252

Particularly:

"Did you ever know someone, maybe in elementary school, maybe in a job, that *really* wanted to be great friends with you, but you didn't want to be that close to them? This person would have been OK as an acquaintance, maybe someone to go out with after work for a drink occassionally, but was not a person that you wanted to have a heart to heart convo with, ever. This person seemed to need you, seemed a little clingy, a little pathetic and very sad. Even after they quit asking you to do stuff all the freaking time, they always looked up expectantly as you made your way toward the door for lunch. You could always perceive the slight hurt in their eyes when they overheard what you did with friends over the weekend. This person was always just waiting for you to adopt them as a close friend. This person did sweet things for you without putting any demands on you -- bringing you a cookie, telling you about a good airfare to someplace you want to visit, offering to dogsit when you went on vacation, getting angry on your behalf when your boss snarled at you... Do you remember the cloying suffocation you felt just being around this person? The stress of having to deal with this person's emotional neediness day to day? Sure, they weren't asking you to do stuff all the time anymore, but you could *feel* their desperate desire for a pal? Ugggghhhh... Exhausting. Then there is the anger and resentment that comes from having to live with this unwanted burden. The funny thing is, the person would really have been OK and you can see why some other folks in the office have no problem with that person as an occassional after work drink buddy. If only the person would back off and sincerely quit being the best friend in waiting, you'd probably be fine with them. But NO ONE likes someone who insists on standing in a more intimate R with them than they want with that person.

So many people here insist on playing the loyal committed spouse offering unwavering love and support which totally ignores the WAS's desire to have a less intimate R with that person. WAS's no longer WANT a husband-wife R with the LBS, yet the LBS's, mired in denial continue to thrust it upon them, pretty much guaranteeing the demise of their M and a lack of progress on themselves.

To really respect someone's feelings that is pushing you away, you need to give them at least as much distance as they are taking from you. Probably more to give them decent breathing room. This doesn't require closing the door on your M or having an A. It requires getting on with your own life and being responsible by making sure it will be a good life for you regardless of what happens to your M so that you aren't needy and dependent with respect to having the M in your life. Otherwise, you are like that annoying, cloying, person in the office who suffocates you by jumping up to get coffee everytime you do."

And here's an example OT posted to me in my sitch when I was pushing H too much:

"Think about the water cooler example. The annoying office person is finally giving you some space, leaving you alone, has quit sulking that you won't do lunch with her, etc... You become more pleasant to the annoying office person. You talk about the weather. Occassionally you say "hi" in the hallway. You stop walking the other direction when she walks in the door. Then, she confronts you in your office. Comes in and shuts the door, and starts to lay out exactly what she wants if you two are going to continue to be best friends -- regular nights out, coffee breaks together, share secrets, plan a vacation together, sharing funny emails, etc... OMG!!!! I'd say your next step would be to get a deadbolt for your office and bring your own water."

[Changed Woman]

Soooooooooo...good perspective on all our situations.

Question? Would it be a mistake to acknowledge to WAS that I understand he does not want to be in a R with me anymore and let him know I will back off out of respect for him...or just not say anything?