The Door That Never Closes!

[Treese]

Hello All.....another thread locked.....

I haven't been on much lately....trying to get my head and my heart moving in the same direction....it's not working....every time I think I'm doing great and GAL....bam....my H does or says something that gets my goat and my mind is off to the races....

I mean really do they get pleasure from seeing us cry or hurting us....sometimes I think my H does....telling me he's going to spend time with OW, instead of coming to see his D who he hasn't seen since February.....WTF? I think his head is screwed on wrong....this is the man who would put his kids before everything....now it's all about him....

Thought I was moving forward pretty well but I'm NOT!!! I hate waking up alone....I hate attending things ALONE!....I want companionship....I want my H...I want my family.....but it's like it's at arms reach but I can't quite grab hold of it....What is the lesson I am to learn here? Did I do something so bad that I'm being punished? This is cruel....it's definately not healthy....we lose weight....we cry....we scream....we analyze....our minds are working overtime....really....is this just me.....am I really that crazy now that I can't turn it off...I can't find a counselor that understands that I want my family...my marriage....everyone thinks I'm nuts to want him back...so who do I talk to? My H is out there thinking he has found his happiness....his soulmate....and I'm sorry but I HATE HER....I HATE HER SO MUCH!! I know it's both of them....I know H had a part in it but she walked in to my home and stole my H...and he keeps telling me it has nothing to do with OW....how can one month I get the journey necklace & ILY's...hugs...kisses...great sex and the next.....He's not in love with me anymore....I JUST DON'T GET IT!! Why? Why don't I get it?? Everyone else here seems to get it? Why am I still crying? And why am I no better than I was a year ago? I actually think I cry harder....I don't have a lot of free time to do things...I have responsibilities while my H is rolling around in his greener grass....this Sucks!!!! Some days I want to just run away....but I can't .....I have children....who need me....who are going through lots of disappointments also....why in the world can't I get it through my head that my M is over....like my H says...."he's not kidding, move on"...with a little chuckle.....yep.....he had it all....and is he telling me that the OW is better for him? that she gives him more than I did....she's prettier.....better body.....WHAT???? I had his 3 children.....he's been living a double life for the past 8 years...

I seriously don't think I'm going to get through this and come out on the other side.....

and I'm soooooooo tired of everyone telling me to move on and forget about him....I can't do it.....I still love him like the day I married him.....and I don't understand why....and he knows I would let him come home if he wanted to....that I would love him no matter what....is he using that to his advantage...knowing that I would be here if his OW doesn't work out...but obviously they are and they have to be falling in love more and more every day.....the thought of him telling someone else that he loves her is heartbreaking.....

woooooo........sorry all.......I am just so down these past few days that it's really getting to me.....my meds must not be working.....

thanks for listening...

[theotherhalf]

wooooo is right Treese. Every single word you typed, I have thought, posted, or said. I understand ALL of it. And I don't have any answers for you. It just doesn't get any easier like they told us in the beginning. The answers don't come. My feelings never change. And I keep asking myself why?

I guess as of late I decided I can't take him looking at me and telling me one more time to "get it through my head" that "I'm NOT coming back home" that "I don't want to deal with you" "I don't want to be with you". So I have shut the door a little more. Enough to protect myself from that. Yes it is still open, but less now.

Treese there really is NOTHING we can do. We HAVE to accept this some how. We have to. There is no other way.

I'm sorry Treese...be strong
TOH

[Treese]

TOH....

I hate all those words.....all the words, phrases, you typed I've heard....plenty....how do they look at the person they have loved all these years and tell them these things....HOW?

All they are doing is getting us to put a wall up to everything around us, I have trust issues....I don't even like myself anymore...

He has beat me down....my heart...my mind...my soul....yes I know we have to make ourselves happy but when you have been told the things we have....it gets to the heart....deep in to the heart....I"m crushed.....

And it does suck that we can't fix it....I so want to make it all go away...

My MIL sent me a birthday card last week and in it she wrote that "unfortunately, we can't control someones feelings but I'll always be like a daughter to her"...geez....did you have to write that in my BIRTHDAY card....hhhhhhh........

[job]

Treese,
Part of the problem is that we didn't see it coming, the death of the marriage and there's not closure in any of this. It makes it very difficult to understand when one day, it's roses and candy and the next, I'm out of here, I don't love you any longer.

No, they honestly don't get pleasure from hurting us, but they always say that you hurt the ones that are closest to you. They lash out at us because they know we'll take it. They are truly lashing out at themselves and those who hurt them a long time ago. You don't have to stand there and take it....walk away, change the subject or just don't pick up the phone. Because he's put you in a tailspin again, it sounds like you are still very much holding on to his kite string. Loosen the hold a bit.

I know what I'm posting isn't helping, but we all have been there and some are still there. It's a process and one that each of us has to move at our own pace. You have to find your niche and that's when things won't be so painful when he says them. Him telling you he wants to be w/ow versus his daughter, tells me he's got a lot of guilt and doesn't want responsibility right now. That will change in time, but we don't know exactly when. The ow didn't steal your h, she may have helped him exit the marriage, but it could have been any woman out there and he would have snapped her up. When they are looking for a way out, they'll hook up w/the dragon lady, if necessary. Hating someone takes a lot of energy and your stress level is speaking volumes from your posting. At some point, you will need to learn how to forgive them for what they've done. I'm not saying to invite them over to play house or nice, but forgive them and move on.

There are several lessons to be learn from this journey. They are: 1) learning to be yourself once again, i.e., not relying on someone else for your happiness; 2) you have no control over him and what he says or does; 3) learning that patience and sitting quietly and still will help you in the long run; 4) learning not to talk about your situation to others, for they will always tell you to divorce the spouse that's walked; and 5) learning to rely on yourself and having the confidence that you can do this w/o his help. You can do this w/the help of the man upstairs.

You can't assume that he's telling her he loves her. You can't assume anything about the relationship at this time. All you can do is try to accept the fact that he's out of the house and on a mission to rediscover himself. You will need to find a way to help yourself and that may mean coming here more often and talking things out. Please do not talk to those in your world...they don't understand...they've not walked in your shoes.

I do hope that you are feeling better today. I'm very sorry to see you are stressed and down today.

[theotherhalf]

Treese, check out the lyrics on my thread. The song fits me to a T. I know it's probably not good to listen to but it is so true...

[MidwesternGirl]

Treese:

Look up the word "suffering" in a Bible concordance and read all of the verses.

The ways of the world are different if one follows God's way.

Also, try and let go of the hate you have for OW. Remember forgiveness?

I know, this is not easy at all, not for any of us whether we have been at this one week, one year, five years..........

[ddstartingover]

Treese - you know I'm there with you. My H and I had this e-mail battle over scheduling time with OUR kids during the school year. I had to go to open house with them at the end of it. He came too, and I had to keep from sobbing the whole time I was there. I finally told him that the kids hadn't had dinner yet, he could take them and feed them. He thanked me. Actually thought I was doing him a huge favor----when in fact I needed to go home and break down. I was sobbing before I got out of the parking lot.

It is not fair. This is not what we signed up for. I signed up for "death do us part," and I WANT MY HAPPILY EVER AFTER. For those of us that have been with our spouses FOREVER I think it's a lot harder to GAL. He's my one and only, and I know I was his "first" and always thought I would be his "only," and it sucks!! I never had a life without H. It's like trying to learn how to walk without legs.

All of the advice we're given is given in good heart. I hope some day it will all click, but it hasn't all clicked for me yet either. It all makes sense and I am sure that someday it will be useful, but not today. Not all of it anyway.

You ARE doing better. You are having one of those days today, and tomorrow will be a little better. You've been HERE before and you know that there can be better days.

Someone here told me once that my H had me on a leash and it would stay that way until I took it back (or something like this). Your H has your leash. He is in control and you need to find a way to get it back. You are doing a lot better than I am at GAL. I still am not employed outside the home, and I have to accomplish that soon (for my sanity). You have that awesome tatoo. You have all your friends and family for support. You can do this! It's just not as easy as some tend to imply, or that we think they are telling us.

Do you have anything in the house that H has left behind that you can box up, throw out in the yard or burn??? Maybe that would help release some of the anger...........I have thought about boxing up all of my H's leftover things this week, just to help me let go. I did clean out his toiletry cabinet and threw away everything he left behind like razors, shaving cream, shampoo, etc. I took over all the shelves and drawers. It is bittersweet-----but nice to have the space.

Find something you can do to release your anger and remember what you do have.............and remember we're in this together and we will survive!!!!

[glamgirl]

Treese, sorry you are having it rough. The enemy is on attack. When I feel what you are going through I would immediately drop to the floor and ask God to help me at that very moment. Have God help you with the anger, hurt, hopelessness, whatever you are feeling at the moment.

Snodderly posted an awesome post about the lessons in this journey. Go back and review those. Snodderly you have such great advice. All the time I pick up so much from you. Thanks.

It's looks like a year or so your nightmare began. I can tell you that a year ago I was spewing at my h, angry, resentment, sick of it all, crying all the time, but I can say this past year has been much easier. What did I do differently?

I focused on my interactions with my h. If I had any chance with him, he would have to see the best glam not the worst glam. I stopped having any R talks. I stopped having any expectations of h. I stopped putting my focus on h, but on me and the kids.

I know this is so hard to do, trust me been there done that. I started being loving and kind to h. Trying to understand him as a broken man that is not whole or capable of loving me back at the moment. Sending him encouraging e-mails, but nothing overboard. For example, if he fixed the faucet I would say thank you that day and then the next day an e-mail like h I just wanted to say how much I appreciated you fixing the faucet yesterday and wanted you to know that. Hope your day is going good. Something like that.

What happened is the more I showed appreciation the more h helped. He even got to the point of asking ahead of time before he came over make a list of what work you want me to do.

What I am saying here Treese is that if what is not working change it up and do something else. I don't know how your interaction with your h was with the D, but I would have said something like; h I am sorry you feel that way. D was looking forward to spending more time with you. Then say nothing more and do not engage in any discussions that don't paint you in a positive light. Do not add fuel to the fire!

My h is NOT home, but boy he is so much closer this year than last. Our interactions for the most part are healthy. Very little R talk, but as they connect back you can have more deep convos and you say more of the tough stuff, but in a nice way. Not attacking.

What are your plans to change how you interact with h?

[forward]

DB C told me--first you must let go of anger. Then friendship, then, maybe, romance is an option.

You are still new w/separation. You are still angry. Anyone on this board gets that. It is very difficult. It IS unfair. It is not right. Unfortunately, it is a part of our lives right now.

So you're going to have to get past the anger. Give yourself some time. Yes, you would like to hang him, and not necessarily by the neck. We all get that. You just don't want to get "stuck" in the anger phase. Try to find productive ways to let those feelings out.

I would suggest that if you can't interact with H in a friendly way, and if your anger shows, go dim. Be friendly when you do see him, but unavailable except for things you HAVE to communicate about.

This has helped me because w/H more or less out of the picture, I had no choice but to focus on myself and start doing things on my own. I do recommend it, depending on where you are.

TCBE's suggestion of purging H's things is very very good. If you are able, I highly recommend replacing the things that H had with things that YOU like and enjoy. So excellent a feeling! If you have no spare cash at the moment, rearrange the furniture. Painting is also cheap, although I've lacked the ambition for that.

It's good if H sees these changes, but it is not essential. It made me feel as if I was doing something to move on.

I also recommend experimenting w/personal appearance. I've had quite a bit of fun in that arena!

It doesn't hurt to have the feeling "Why, what was I doing with H? I am such an excellent catch!!! What WAS I thinking?"

[lovehopefaith]

Treese,

You have every right to mad, angry, sad, upset, terrified, disappointed -- all those things and more.

Many posters above have sane advice. The only thing I can add is that remember that your H is the one with the confusion, the problem, the issues. Someone once said here that "Although I may be responsible for the STATE of the marriage, I'm not responsible for what's happening now." And that's truth. In my sitch, I clearly contributed my part to the problems, but my H? Well, he's the one giving up. Not me. He's the one with the issues he won't deal with. Not me. I'm working on my issues, my problems, making MY changes. He's the one giving up, or struggling, or not wanting to deal. So it's not about me.

It's hard to give up control of the R and the M. That is hard for me. It's hard to not let my H's moods, actions and reactions NOT dictate my happiness. It's a struggle every day. But I just keep telling myself -- I'm willing to work, to forgive, to love. HE HAS THE REAL PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.

I guess that's what "detaching" is. Do something for yourself today. Do something with your children. Spend a day in bed, feeling sad, if you have to. Remember that relationships with OW do not and will not last. The luster will fade. The newness will wear off. If your H doesn't deal with his issues, they will resurface with the OW.

You are a wonderful woman, devoted to marriage and family. That deserves kudos and praise. Pat yourself on the back for being a person with values and morals. Be strong. And try to find something fun to so this weekend!