Hi strangers, long time no see. My wife was unswerving in her desire to be divorced, it was finalized a few months ago. We agreed to 50/50 custody of our 8 yr old daughter, our only child. Yesterday, she informed me that our daughter has asked if we could go back to the arangement we had before school was released for the summer, which was daughter with mom during the week, I would have her 2 a few hours 2 nights a week, and she would spend every other weekend with me. This is considerably different than the 50/50 we have been doing the last few months. She also feels that our daughter should be involved in any discussion her and I have on the topic, since it is the daughters feelings and wants/desires that are being discussed. She has told our daughter, who is with her this week, that it may be an option and that we will have to talk about it.
I am dumbstruck. First, that she would imply to an 8 yr old that her wants and whims could possibly change a custody arangement. Also that she would feel she needs to be involved in any discussion of said arangement. I am looking for advice on how to approach her thi sweekend, I don't want to come off sounding like my daughters feelings don't matter, but also will not give up custody, I feel a child needs to have as much exposure to both parents as possibkle for a balanced upbringing.
This is what she'd said in an email to me earlier today:
My telephone call yesterday was to give you a heads up so that you were not blindsided when Claire brought up her concerns. My intention was to communicate a concern our daughter has. I believe that you would also communicate to me any concerns she may express to you. My intention was not to make your day "go to ****", but to schedule a time so I could update you to her concerns. I advised Claire that she needed to speak to you about her feelings. I don't believe this was irresponsible. To unequivocally tell her "no" to her feelings/thoughts/concerns is simply wrong. By dismissing her feelings/concerns, we are dismissing her. I strongly believe that Claire needs to speak her mind. I believe that she needs to be part of any conversation regarding her feelings/concerns; not allowing her to do so would be disrespectful to her and her feelings. I also believe that all of us need to have this conversation together; we need to hear what eachother is saying so there is no chance of misunderstandings, which unfortunately lead to hard feelings. This will also ensure there is no chance of he-said, she-said. I believe that both of us have her best interests at heart. Unfortunately, our issues sometimes make that seem less than obvious.
Where do I start?
Thanks in advance for any advice, I can use all I can get.
Me:46 Her:40 Daughter:7 She Dropped Bomb:10/7/07 She Filed Papers w/State:10/30/07 I Left Home:11/11/07 I Moved Back In:11/13/07 My Outlook: I want nothing more than a future together and will do whatever it takes. Her Outlook: Been too long coming, I'm done.
Well I think our right (at least until you figure out what's what) to have these conversations separately. You really have no idea how much of this is coming from your little one and how much is from the ex.
Maybe you can take your daughter aside and ask her what's going on? Find out of this is her wish and if she understands what it would mean. Then I would tell her how much you love her. At 8 years old I have to wonder if she really understands how hard this will be and how much she will miss her Daddy.
I'm not saying that your ex may not have concerns due to what you daughter has said, but an 8 year old has trouble leaving things as simple as her toys. I would bet that she can't possibly understand the whole picture.
I guess what I'm really saying is that until you speak with them both you'll have no idea what's behind this and your daughter will probably speak more freely to you on a 1 to 1.
Makes me happy that we got the kids their own IC early on in the process.
While I would really want to hear what your D has to say, you and the x have to have the nitty-gritty discussion AWAY from her, then present the solution / answer jointly, with all three of you in the room. She isn't old enough to have that responsibility put on her--what pressure that will leave her under in the long run!! It might be from her own wishes now, but she will quickly realize that her choice will hurt one of you. If you can't come up with a solution between the 2 of you, see if you can talk to a mediator or IC that can hear each of the three of you, then make a recommendation.
Get the Co-Parents Survival Guide, which might help, too. Good book.
Lately my D hasn't wanted to be with her dad too much. He hasn't put up too much of a fight. We have joint, I have primary residential. He gets her his 4 days a month with a sporadic day in the week thrown in for good measure. I think Beth had a good suggestion - you SHOULD talk to your daughter.
Mine is in a weird spot because she wants to hang with me, but doesn't want to tell him that so that's on me. My job to tel him she'd rather do XYZ today....
So she should be able to talk to you but if she's uncomfortable or worried about hurting feelings (like mine) she shouldn't be made to talk about it with both of you.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
agree with the above, unless your d is adamant for some strange reason to stay more with her mom I think a good arrangement can be made between what your d supposedly wants and what you'd like to see. I agree with the fact that perhaps it's a toy/friend/activity that perhaps makes your d want to stay with mom more. Let her know that you two can also do stuff she'd like that she does with mom.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wow lost, that is a difficult situation. However, I do not believe that an 8 year old is ready to make decisions based on their own best interests rather than their feelings at the time. I also believe that it establishes a pattern to allow her to make these decisions as she grows. So if she gets pissed at mom in 6 months will mom simply let her come stay with you? No, because you just don't do that.
IMHO, I would stick with your joint plan. Talk to your daughter and hear what she has to say. Then explain to her that you are going to look out for her and that it will stay the same. See if there are some things she would like to see change to make this more comfortable for her. Work with her on what will make her feel more comfortable with the existing arrangment besides staying with her mom every week.
So Ian do you think I'm wrong for letting Peanut stay with me if she wants to? He skipped his weekend so he and his GF could go to Sturgis. He had spent 9 days with her before and she didn't want to go. Would you make her go if she didn't want to?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
