I am curious to know how many of you used LRT or going dark and if it worked for you. I am going to LRT here when H returns from overseas in two weeks however, I am a little confused on the concept. Do I just seemingly drop off the face of the earth. No contacting him, no responding to his attempts to contact me? Thanks!!!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
i would be careful with LRT...i thought that would be good for my H and I's sitch but when i spoke to a DB coach they said it wasnt great bc it made him feel like a schmuck.
so i would be very careful....and maybe contact a DB coach.
i think the basics are good- be loving but not overly excited to see him. do you have DR? follow those guidelines- just take a step back and watch and wait...some contact is ok- just see h ow each interaction goes.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I read your sitch. I, like everyone else here, could ask you a ton of questions. I think I can also answer some of yours.
When you waw'ed, did your H pursue? How long did he pursue? What got you thinking otherwise? Was it when he quit persuing and how long after? Or was it that he found someone new that sparked your interest again?
The reason you may be having trouble with H (if he did what the rest of us did) is because he begged and pleaded for another chance. Probably told you things he kept deep inside. Guys generally have the same feelings as women, but what we show is different for the most part. It isn't until we lose it that we feel the need to express them.
When he pursued, did you shut down? Ignore him? Not answer emails until you got really pissed?
It did NOT work for me. It simply made it a lot easier for H to stay away, guilt-free.
I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I would have asked him to come home and several other things that are supposedly not "DB".
In fact, I don't believe that "it's never too late to save your marriage", as it states right here on this site. What a crock! It most certainly IS too late in too many cases. Waaaayyyy too late.
Also, "keep right on DBing"???
Um...."DB" stands for Divorce "BUSTING", meaning that your divorce is "BUSTED", right? How is a divorce "BUSTED" when you find yourself actually divorced? This makes no sense.
LRT isn't for everyone, or every situation; it isn't one size fits all advice. I'm sure you knew that.........
as far as it being too late, I've seen people get divorced, remarry, and end up remarrying their first spouse. unless you're getting beat up, you're doing the beating, or one of the spouses is dead, it isn't too late. it all depends on timing, feelings, circumstance, fate, and a whole mess of other things.
also, you aren't a mind reader. just because you made it easy for H to stay away doesn't mean he didn't feel guilt. whether he tells you he wasn't guilty or he was, you DON'T and WON'T know if that's true. Only he does.
DB'ing isn't a crock like you believe. It's a method.....Helicopters are a method; planes are another. Whatever gets you there. I am very truly sorry LRT didn't work for you; I'm assuming everyone else is too. LRT doesn't work for me either because I have a 2 year old we have to talk about frequently. That doesn't mean LRT doesn't work for anyone. It does. just not you or I.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
I don't think that DB techniques are a crock, I think that the "BUSTING" part is. It is a misnomer. They tell you to keep right on "DB'ing" even after LBS is done and has finally moved on. Should someone like that continue to "BUST" what is obviously not salvageable?
"Divorce Busting" means your D has been busted. Otherwise, it seems more correct to call it "Marriage Busting", since the effort was unsuccessful.
When you waw'ed, did your H pursue? How long did he pursue? What got you thinking otherwise? Was it when he quit persuing and how long after? Or was it that he found someone new that sparked your interest again? When he pursued, did you shut down? Ignore him? Not answer emails until you got really pissed?
Nothavingfun,
H did pursue. He did all the things Michele tells us not to do. I can't blame him though. I admire that he was so determined to save our marriage although at the time I didn't see it that way.
H pursued for 10 months. I told him in late Sep 06 that I wanted to separate. At the end of October 06 I left. In Jan 07 he found a therapist that we saw together. On May 1, 07 he gave me an ultimatum to move back in or he would file for the D. I resisted and he backed down. I told him that maybe it was me and I would work with the therapist myself. In reality we only attended counseling for 3.5 months together (not nearly enough time for either of us and with the wrong therapist) In Aug 07 he went on vacation (I moved back in a week before). He returned after a month a stranger and dropped the bomb. In early Dec 07 I moved out for the second time and I was in limbo until July 08 when I filled separation papers. He responded with a D request but he is stalling on talking about a settlement.....
During this entire time we continued to interact as if we were both still invested in the marriage and that divorce wasn't even a consideration but that we were just getting some space. I of course wasn't invested. I didn't feel connected to him. I thought our problems where too big and besides he wasn't going to change our M wasn't going to change and I didn't love him. However, I continued to spend every weekend at home, go to family functions together, go on vacations, attend counseling together, didn't tell family or friends of our separation etc. I did however remain distant. I rarely called, avoided going to lunch with him (we work within 5 min of each other), didn't show affection, and if it wasn't for him protesting I wouldn't have gone home on the weekends.
It wasn't until he dropped the bomb (10 months after I dropped the bomb) that something clicked. It really was one defining moment for me, a split second that changed everything for me. Up until the second before my feelings hadn't changed. I believe he met someone (This is not what sparked my interest. I didn't suspect anything until after the bomb). I don't believe anything physical happened but meeting someone in the midst of turmoil has a tendency to change your perspective on your significant other. The prospect of losing everything hit me right then and there. Now we are going through the same cycle, roles reversed. I can only hope that this trip overseas will have the opposite effect that it did last year.
In short, the more he pushed and pursued the farther I ran. I couldn't stand the constant pressure, the R talks, the guilt trips. What I wanted was to find solutions to see changes in our M and in him. I realize now that I needed to make changes too. This is why I believe that the 180 and finding solutions are your most valuable tools.
I hope I was able to answer your questions. I am happy to answer any questions you may have.
Best of luck!!!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I post under two names and won't tell you the other. I can tell you I have been here a while. First came here at the end of my marraige. Really I was here too late for DB to work on that. But I did meet someone.
I have pursued. I couldn't see letting go as they new as much about dbing as I did. Figured they would know what I was up to.
I pushed to get her to tell me what went wrong. She seemed to always come up with different reasons. I would address those and explain my side and give examples of how they could be corrected but have had no luck. Basically I have tried to "reason" with her. I have tried to get it out so we could talk about what happened. She just didn't really want to.
I would guess I have sent well over 200 emails to her 10 to 15 responses over the past 10 mnths. I know, I know. Not the thing to do. But how can you let go when they have beliefes (so they say, but we are not suppose to believe what they say or what they do?) that were so different than yours?
I have kept up with my life. Paying my bills going out etc. I have joined a dating site and have been out with some very nice people but that "spark" just doesn't seem to be there. And I am not denying it to myself, it just isn't there. I truly hoped to meet someone that could hold my interest but it has not happened.
I come home feeling lower. It makes me want to fire off another email and I struggle to not. I have put more miles on my motorcycle this year than I have the first two yrs I owned it. My pool game is as good as it has ever been but I have such a hole in my heart.
Well enough for now but I am sure I will write more later.
