I used to post quite a bit here, usually in the infidelity or SSM forum. I never had a SSM, but I grew to like many of the people that posted there and so that's where I posted. But, many of them have since left but that's neither here nor there.
I wanted to pose something to you guys and ask your opinions because maybe I need to widen my perspective. My H has always been very, very occupied with our kids. We have a great family and we do lots of fun stuff together. My issue is that H never seems to think time with just him and I is important, not even to go to a movie much less spend a weekend away. The kids are getting bigger and it's not as easy as it used to be to sneak sex, etc. H wants to have another baby. Now. I told him I'm still interested in having a marriage, so he's going to have to get better at date night or something before we have more kids. I told him if have more children, we'll NEVER have time alone. He's out of town, so this conversation took place by IM. His reply to me was so far out there, it made me laugh. He said something to the effect of "I just envision such a relaxed time in our 50s or so, we'll go places together and miss the grandkids and get to come home and spend time with them....we have so much time for us later but the time for more kids is running out." It floored me that he seriously suggested we wait until we're 50 to have date nights or spend time alone together and it also floors me that he's already envisioning how close we're going to be to our grandkids.....our kids are 5 and 7. WTH? He gets very defensive on this topic as well....I would think that me wanting time alone with him would tell him that I still love him, still find him attractive, still want the romance, etc. But he doesn't seem to care about any of that.
Any suggestions?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
heatherg, No suggestions but I will tell ya something. I think If wife and I would have spent more "husband / Wife" time I would not be here. I think your first Im was right on.. MORE date time first..
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Thanks for the validation....I can't imagine a reason why time alone together would NOT be considered important. We've all learned that trying to see things from the other person's perspective and not always trying to be 'right' is key to a good marriage. So, I'm trying to see things from his perspective. I get it that he thinks time is running out. I'm 33 and he's 34. Our two kids are 5 and 7 so we don't want the age gap to be too big and we don't want to be 85 when they graduate high school. BUT. Why can't we have both? Kids and time alone? I know time alone will be scarce, but we can plan for it via a babysitter or in-laws. What could a good reason possibly be NOT to do that?? That's my concern....I can't imagine any proponent for marriage saying that time as a couple is not only nice, but critical for a good marriage. So, why can't he see that???
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I don't know why but somewhere along the way between dating and being married. Some people forget that when you are with someone you do need to maintain your individuality but you also need to remember that it is a give and take situation. What I think may have went wrong in my marriage was the I kept on giving and my W just kept on taking. And we ended up accepting that what I needed was not important and what she needed was. Now we know this is an unhealthy relationship. AND like a big ocean liner you can't stop it and turn on a Dime. What I am seeing is it is taking time for me to get my confidence back and for W to let go of the "It's about me" syndrome. If you have a chance to make your H understand that you can fulfill his needs as long as he does yours you will be in a better place. It can not be a one way street. Especially when kids are involved. Your need "more time just the two of you" is something that if it does not work out.... well at least the kids you have now will be more grown. His way "Having the baby now" if it does not work out... ya have another life to care/worry about. You can't build a second floor on a house until you know the walls on the first story are strong enough to hold it up....
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hi Heather-- you've probably read this before, but this article Michele wrote and the *read and respond* forum it's in gave me lots of ideas and validation on this issue.
