Reason to Believe on the Lake Erie Shore

[TwinDad]

Neil,

Excellent advice from PDT!

[Neilh23]

[quote=Neilh23]
does she still love me? i think so. does she like what she's seen of the new Neil? i think so. Do i have a lot to offer my W now? Yes. DOes she know this? I think so.

Hey how about... Do i like the new neil? Can I be the H I want to be now? Am I doing everything I can to make me a happier man?

ann-
yes i do. Yes i can. No, i'm not. still trying to figure that one out...
thanks for your input!!!!!! and i am confident...... and the last couple of days was just a blip.....a stumble...and you're right...i'm not starting from scratch...but it sure feels like it!

[Neilh23]

what really helped you guys to detach? it worked for you......how did you do it?

i want to. i really do. i'm just not 100% sure how to do it..........

[The Wifey]

Did you read my post about touching the hot stove? The first thing you have to do is stop hurting yourself by going where you know you will get hurt. It's kind of like when you've had a crying jag and then you are all just drained and numb feeling.

Start from there. Then take a breath. Then another.

I see detaching maybe differently. I still love my H and that feeling is there every minute. I just don't want the pain so I stay away from the interactions that cause me pain. I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing that for me.

When I don't hurt I don't have the fog and I can think and decide what I'm going to do next.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

what really helped you guys to detach? it worked for you......how did you do it?

Everyone is different, Neil. For me, it was, in no particular order:

- the help of folks on these boards, esp. NOP over on the old SSM board;

- prayer

- the support of my family

- regular intel (what I saw and heard steeled my resolve, and helped me not go needy/grabby on her)

Hope that helps,

Puppy

[upside_downer]

Neil-

To detach, just....let....go. The focus is on you. You need to eliminate the "connection" that you have with your feelings and your W. What I mean by that is you let her affect you too much. You need to have a healthy distance from her emotionally because you've given her the ability to affect you this way.

I don't think there are "tools" to use here. I think this might plug in with your co-dependancy AND your self-doubting. You are not allowing yourself, through those two things, to detach. You're looking for us to answer for you what you can do. I honestly think only YOU know the answer, though.

YOU have to set the boundaries. YOU have to take back the ability to affect your emotions. Don't let anyone, especially your W control YOUR emotions.

Easier said than done coming from me

[KenF]

Neil
i wish you the best, you deserve it. not only because you put in so much effort, but you keep coming back and adjusting and trying to perfect yourself. You're an inspiration for many of us.

I cant give you any better advice than what you have from those here who love you. and they feel that way for you without having even met you.

just keep working. do what you're doing, just be ready to adjust here and there. do what makes you happy. I've been working out, something i've wanted to do for years, the hours i spend there i'm too preoccupied i cant think of my sitch. read books that you get lost in. do something with other people, take a class, night school is a wonderful place to meet people with similiar interests and the conversation opener is right there.


sorry for a minor threadjack here...
a question about detaching, Sandi2 said "She notices that you have become "detached" and you have truly emotionally set her free. Will she enjoy that as well as she thought she would?" - when i was trying to detach and giving her space, and I'm thinking i was doing well, my W would pull out the heavy R talk with "We cant live like this anymore" -- what would that indicate? Our sitch was brought on by being too distance, withdrawn.

[Neilh23]

KenF..no problem about the thread jacking...happens alot...that's why i lock up so much!!!


ok. i seriously won't be back until tommorrow. promise. while i am gone, could everyone help me find the positives in my sitch NOW? seriously, i'm know they are there; i just am having difficulty seeing them.

thanks.

and my new thread title will be a good one...promise

[KenF]

Neil,
you have all these people here helping you, giving you parts of their lives, showing you love and understanding.

THAT is a POSITIVE.

start there.

[pisces9]

Neil~ missed you buddy! i think the email from your wife says one thing: i am unclear and i need space.

thats all. she didnt say antying permenant either way. so thats good.

it seriously sounds like emails i used to get from my H- very ambivalent. (except about the kids- very clear)

so just detach by saying " i love you enough to let you go" with your actions.
focus more on you and just keep plugging away one day at a time.

(((Neil)))