I have a thread in the Hopeful forum, but it's getting full, so I thought I would start one here. I'm not hopeful anymore, and am just trying to move on and be comfortable with things. I am going to repost my last post from that thread, with the latest happenings.
I have to edit it a bit after reading it again, so I'll post it in a minute.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Ok, it's been a couple days since I've posted anything, and a lot has happened. Some good, some bad, some that will result in me getting hit with a 2x4. It's probably going to be kind of jumbled and long, but here it goes.
Let's see, I left off with our conversation on Monday. After that discussion, I was thinking a lot about how she has been acting. She can't remember anything, even if it was only a couple days before. I had asked her on monday, why she sent me that text on Friday evening. She said she couldn't remember. Anything she has ever done, she all the sudden has lost memory of it. It's like she has closed everything off, even if it wasn't something that pertains to our R, if it involved me, or if I'm the one discussing it with her, then she can't remember.
Anyway, so around 2pm on Tuesday, I get a text from her saying that she's almost home, and asks if I want to get margaritas with her that evening. I told her that would be fine. She started trying to plan the details, and I got a phone call from a client so I couldn't answer her texts. She waited a bit and then sent another text asking if I was interested or not. I guess the delay threw her off. I told her to give me a minute because I was talking to a client. So anyway, we finished making plans and left it at that. I did ask her if she wanted to hang out for a while after dinner and have some drinks. She said maybe.
So I meet her at the restaurant. We talked a lot, it was really up and down. I got mad at her, she got mad at me. She cried, I cried, she was understanding, I was understanding. I didn't give her the letter I wrote, but I basically just told her. She told me that they had big plans. I asked if that meant they were getting married. She said, not officially, but we have already planned everything out, but he hasn't formally proposed yet. So that was her answer. She's moving on, and I was fine with that. I'm moving on too. We talked about a lot. She asked me to be happy for her. I said "Of course I'm happy for you because I care about you more than our relationship." I said that I've put 5 years into her, and us, and it meant a lot to me, but she needs to be happy. We also discussed her supposed happiness. She told me that her life is great because of him. I told her that I was worried, because she didn't find happiness within herself first, and that's not healthy. She doesn't see that she has control of her happiness. I said, think about it, if you remove him, and me from your life, what has changed for you? She said, "nothing" I said, "Exactly." She still denied how it works.
We discussed her visit with her exboyfriend that she told me she went to see when she first moved to florida. Only because she was asking me about the girl I'm dating, and if I had slept with her. So I asked her if she had slept with him at that time. She told me she didn't go see him then. I asked when she did then, because that is what she had told me. She said it was in October when I broke up with her. She then told me I must have been mistaken when she went. I said that I wasn't mistaken, she had lied to me about it. So anyway, she told me that she did sleep with him then. Not that it mattered, but it showed me that I can't really trust her.
She told me that what I did on our weekend getaway was wrong. I told her to view it how she wants, but I was nothing but curious, so if being curious is wrong, then so be it. I told her that her actions weren't exactly justifiable either, but she denied doing any wrong...of course. She told me a while ago that she learned that I still have trust issues. I told her at dinner that my only fault was being curious and then getting upset at my discovery. I had never been jealous of her, or had trust issues because she's had a friendship with her ex boyfriend the whole time, and I never questioned anything... ever. She didn't respond to that, but the look on her face told me that she realized I didn't have trust issues.
Those were the hard parts of the conversation. The rest we talked as friends and weren't really arguing, or getting into emotional details.
So after telling her I had moved on, etc. and discussing my stance on the situation, she kept asking me when I was going to come see her surgery results (she was having lipo and breats implants, both of which I was not supportive of at all). I told her I wouldnt be seeing them. She just kept asking when I was going to come see them. I repeated that she didn't want me to come see them, and I wouldn't be seeing them. She kept asking though, and I stuck by my guns.
At one point she said something about us sleeping together. I don't recall how she put it, but it wasn't like she was asking to or anything. Well I told her I wasn't interested at all, especially after she has been sleeping with somebody else. That's where it got a little interesting. She told me she hadn't slept with him. I told her I didn't believe that, she had just spent four days at his house. She told me that they had gotten close, but not done anything. I said something to the effect of asking how that works, how you get that close and then decide your done? She said it was a big concern of hers, because it wasn't like they hadn't tried, but he has some issues and couldn't. She said it doesn't make her feel good that she can connect with someone on so many levels, but not turn them on enough to ... She kept saying how that she was scared about that, and it was a huge concern of hers.
So she had told me that in a year I would see her and she would be pregnant and married. I told her that I wouldn't be around in a year, so it didn't matter. But anyway, she had told me that he was so wonderful, and described him a little bit to me, how he was the only person that ever made her feel like she came first. So when she had described him to me, she said he is a few years older than I am, and how smart he was, and listed his credentials, etc. So after telling me about his issue, I was like. Wait, you've known him a month, and he's never been married at his age, no real realtionships, he has that sexual issue, and works as a camp counselor, and is pretty much a loner. I just kind of grinned. I couldn't hold it back. I just kept smiling and she was kind of embarrassed about it. She kept telling me that his sexual issue was a big concern of hers. I just kind of shook my head and smiling.
Well, I guess I need to get to the rest of the story. Well, she brought up something about us ML again, something like, "We can't do it, because I'm on my period, but I guess that's never stopped us before." I just replied that I wasn't interested again. She never really said it straight out, but I could tell that she was starting to think about it, so I asked her, "You want to ML again don't you?" She kind of smiled and said, "Maybe, one last harrah...I don't know." I just shook my head. She's pretty much engaged to this guy. She commented that she hasn't done anything since our last time, and that was over a month ago, and I know how she is lately (referring to her heightened sex drive.)
Well, I kind of let that go. We discussed things a little more. At one point, she was asking me a question, and I couldn't get the words out without getting all choked up. She had just had to excuse herself because she was crying and when she got back, I grabbed her hand and held it for a minute and explained to her that I was happy for her, but it's not easy, and I didn't want her to worry about it so much. So anyway, when I couldn't get the words out, she reached out and held my hands. I had my legs tucked up under my seat, and she couldn't reach them with her feet so she asked me where my legs were. I told her they were tucked under my chair and wouldn't be coming out. So she takes her foot and starts rubbing it on my thigh, and in an innapropriate way (not just my thigh). She kind of leaned forward a bit to look into my eyes. (get out your 2x4)... I leaned forward and kissed her. She didn't pull away at all, and held onto that kiss for a while and finally I pulled away. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to be doing that. So finally I got through that convo, and moved on.
So we get done there, and she made the comment that we were supposed to do something afterwards. I didn't think it had been set in stone, and wasn't expecting her to want to do anything else since her reply earlier was "maybe", but she did. So we wen't to a restaurant and sat at the bar and had some drinks.
While we were there, we just mainly talked like friends, although she kept hinting at the sexual stuff. I wasn't really biting so much, although I was trying to point it out to her. I thought that like everything else, as soon as you point something out, they will retreat. I asked her again in kind of a joking manner about her wanting to ML. She replied directly with a yes. I told her it wasn't possible because we had nowhere to go (long story and this one is too long already). She said, how about your office. I just said, I don't know, and moved on.
Well, I hate to admit it, but after a few more drinks, and more convo like that, I gave in. We went to my office and ML. I won't go into details, but we were there for a wile. When we got ready to leave, she checked her phone and her mom had called 3 times and left a message. She was worried bout her because she had told them she was just going to have dinner with me and would be back later. Well it was 2am at this point, and her mom thought I had done something to her because she told her mom that we were going to talk about her moving on, etc. That kind of irked me, because I had never done anything that would warrant her mom thinking I was psycho. Oh well.
So on the way home, I looked over at her, and she looked at me and then glanced away and said, "We're bad...." I replied by saying I know, and we sat quite for a while. She had a worried look on her face. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was her mom that was bothering her. She was waiting up for her. She didn't like that. I grabbed her hand and she squeezed back pretty tight. I told her not to fret over it. She told me that she was worried about talking to her new BF the next day as she was supposed to meet him for lunch. She had told him she was going out with friends that night. It's a long story, but it was told to him that I was with her that night. She was worried about how to explain that to him.
We parted ways, and that was that. I did give her a kiss goodbye.
I know I made a mistake, but I also don't feel like it's made me want her back anymore, or anything like that.
Ok, the next morning (Wednesday) I get a text at 7 am that says, "What we did last night was really wrong." I replied, "I know. Are you doing ok today?" She replied with "No I'm not... I'm feeling very regretful." I told her, "No regrets! Think of it as a final goodbye. It was nice, as always."
Later yesterday afternoon, about five. I sent her a text that said, "I don't want to bug ya a bunch, but after last night, I felt like I should talk to you today. Maybe a phone call later if you are available. Can we do that?" She replied some time later saying that she was still recovering from the night before (meaning a hangover) and it wasn't really a good day. I told her I wasn't feeling all that well either and then asked if we could talk later. She replied with a yes.
So around 9:15 she calls. I didn't have my phone on me so I missed it. I called her back around 10:30 and she answered. We discussed things a little bit. She said she didn't end up meeting her new BF for lunch because she was too ill. We talked about the night before and I told her not to worry about it because it was what it was, and nothing more. She told me she enjoyed it a lot, but shouldn't have. I told her I enjoyed it too.
She talked a little bit more about her surgery and how she was nervous, etc. I didn't know what to say because I'm not all that keen on her having it, but i was supportive and told her that being nervous was normal, etc.
Well, she was supposed to have her surgery today, so I let her get some sleep, plus she was IMing her new guy while we talked. I wished her luck with her surgery and told her I would like to know that she's ok afterwards, but didn't know how that would work, so not to worry about it. She told me she would call when she recovered if possible. She said that if she didn't call it wasn't because she didn't want to, it was because she couldn't. I told her that was fine.
Before I went to bed, I sent her a text telling her that I wished her luck with her surgery again, and she was in my prayers. No reponse, which I didn't expect, or necessarily want.
This morning I miss a phone call at 10:30 from her. I called her back about a half hour later when I got a chance. She sounded really good for just having surgery. I asked her how she was feeling. She said, really good actually, about the same as yesterday since I didn't have my surgery this morning. Turns out her blood pressure was too high (something she's had to battle for quite some time) It get's high when she's stressed, depressed, anxious, etc. It's part of what I had to be supportive through that was just thrown out the window for "something better." So she was kind of mad, but was at home and was going to lie down and nap for a while. She said she could reschedule in a couple of weeks.
That kind of ruins her plans for starting a new job soon, but I don't know what her plans are now. She said that she could have stayed at camp another week and made more money if she had known this was going to happen. I kind of left it at that and let her go so she could nap. That has been the end of our conversations.
Wow, this the longest post I've ever had, I'm sure. So I made a few mistakes, didn't read into them too much, and got the answer that I needed regarding her moving forward, and me not being second fiddle, etc. I'm sure I'll get some 2x4's for the ML thing, but I expect it.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I assume we still stand in the same place. I haven't spoken with her since this morning...although I kind of feel like a jerk not talking to her since she wasn't able to have her surgery today. I've decided to move on, and she's all crazy about her new guy, and planning their wedding, talking about having kids, etc.
Her plan is to move in with him at the end of the month. I've really given up on having any hope. I'm just still posting to try to cope with the ups and downs that I go through on a daily basis.
I seriously doubt that our interaction caused her feelings to change any. In fact, I expect it to cause her to rereat.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I didn't hear from her last night. I'm kind of curious as to what she is going through and where her mind is. I hate the fact that I have a mind that goes 100 miles per hour all the time, because in a situation like this, I think about it constantly. Usually it's just random stuff, but this can be consuming.
Not sure what to do other than just sit back and hope I can concentrate on work, or something other than her, and her new man, and the fact that they've picked a wedding date, and his impotence.
I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned from this, and what changes I need to make to become a better person. I don't know that I really did a whole lot wrong in this relationship. I mean, of course I did, but I learned as I went, and made changes to fix them as we go. I don't like the fact that we grew with each other as our relationship progressed, and her purpose was to use that as a guide to figure out what her perfect man is like....not for us.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
FLOYD!!!!!!!! Would you PLEASE stop it already????
I know you were attached to this gal, but it's pretty obvious from the outside that she's a fruitcake!!!! Run for the hills!!!!
She's known this guy for a month, he can't get it up, she's planning to get engaged to him, but she's sleeping with you and wants to show you her (unnecessary) plastic surgery????? Does ANY of this sound like a mature, thoughtful, loyal woman you would want to make a life with??????? NO!
Detach already, would you? She is a lost cause, she has issues that are too big for you to fix, and that would make you miserable if you made a life with her.
FLOYD!!!!!!!! Would you PLEASE stop it already????
I know you were attached to this gal, but it's pretty obvious from the outside that she's a fruitcake!!!! Run for the hills!!!!
She's known this guy for a month, he can't get it up, she's planning to get engaged to him, but she's sleeping with you and wants to show you her (unnecessary) plastic surgery????? Does ANY of this sound like a mature, thoughtful, loyal woman you would want to make a life with??????? NO!
Detach already, would you? She is a lost cause, she has issues that are too big for you to fix, and that would make you miserable if you made a life with her.
Ellie
LOL... I love you Ellie. I've been thinking for two days, "Ellie is going to kill me when she reads this."
Don't worry though. I'm moving on, it just takes time and I have ups and downs, and evidently a relapse.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
