I felt so good starting that thread, full of energy and hutzpah. Then she-bang, all sorts of shitake hit the fan with me, with him. Sometimes I'd see this title and just groan, waiting for it to be done. For most of this past thread I did feel like a victim, which was quite annoying.
This marriage is done, has been done since before he left. I've been lucky to have time... time to continue recovering from the head injury, time to find the wonderful support and friendships on this site, time to connect with a great therapist, time to turn and listen to friends and family.
I've had time to start to grow up. My fairy tale ending has been lost in a bog. I'm sloshing out of where I was once stuck. Why people veer, get lost and give up, or become broken who knows. It must be the only way out when you're overwhelmed but want to honor a commitment but can't, won't, don't know how to effectively communicate.
You're the best cheerleader anyone could hope for. The past month or so was one of kicks in the patookie, bonking my shins, scraping my knees, tripping over roots and a black eye or two. Out of booboos comes understanding.
The more I face things, the better I feel. Before I'd cry while doing the financials, then I'd feel insanely hurt. Now I see my future in numbers, trying to understand where the money has gone. It's a shift in focus. No longer WTS, but my future and how to manage it.
Crap.. part of me never wants to let the relationship go, it's magnetic, I'm drawn to it. But I can't see standing in a hurricane being lashed and thrashed when a safe shelter is steps away. I can't change the ferocious wind, the pelting rain, the debris caught in the storm. I can choose to put myself someplace safe until the sun comes out.
I love your analogy on the book of life. So beautiful and true.
A funny thing happened. We've been corresponding via email about the finances, college payments and the like. I'd asked him about the discrepancy in the paycheck, why it wasn't 50/50. The first email it went unanswered. The second email I asked him if it was intentional and if so, why.
Part of me cringed, afraid that I'd annoy him and create a ruckus in asking for an explanation. Most of the day the internet was done because of severe storms and tornado warnings.. (in Connecticut!). I just read his email. He gave me an explanation and now the check is 50/50.
Funny how much easier things become when I just ask what is going on, rather than clamming up for fear of his reaction.
It's okay to hang onto the true meaning of a relationship, the thoughts and feelings behind it. We need relationships to survive and grow with noone wants to let go, but the most important relationship that we have is the one with ourselves that is the one to hang onto be drawn to yourself...
When we recognize the past and accept it for what it is worth, learn from its messages we better ourselves...
As I told Cookie, don't spend your time looking in the rearview mirror you have traveled that part of the road, look out the windshield and behold what is in front of you...
