I guess I'm still incredibly insecure about my M. H seemed very distant last night. I emailed him & asked him about it & he said he is just tired. I just get this bad feeling that it's the "I love you as the mother of my children, but I'm not in love w/ you anymore" deal again. He said that he almost asked for a raincheck when I initiated last night, but he didn't want to disappoint me.
I guess my background is needed since I haven't been here in awhile. H dropped the D bomb back in January '07. He had numerous A's beginning early in our M. He told me about 2 of them about 4 yrs ago & I decided to stay & forgive. Then during the D bomb sitch, he was having an EA. He finally decided to stay "because he loves me" in April, about a month before he was deployed for a year. Of course, while he was gone, he missed me & our 3 boys, but then when he got home, reality set in. The stress etc. of every day life w/ 3 little boys (8, 4 & 2).
I've been very open & able to talk to him about anything. I haven't been this insecure for quite awhile. I guess I need to get back into my DB boots or something. I have been doing things for myself -- going to the gym etc. We also have plenty of family time and have somewhat settled into a better and less stressful routine w/ the boys. I forget sometimes that we are all learning to live w/ each other again after H being gone for a year. He has only been home since May, and I need to keep that in mind I guess.
I just don't know why I am getting this "feeling," but maybe my radar is just up again for some reason. I have actually learned to completely trust him again, as we both know that I would not stay again if he cheated again. I honestly think he has chosen his family, but I just am getting the feeling in my gut that he's not necessarily happy w/ me; that he wants something or someone different.
It's just tough sometimes.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
H is "talking" as if nothing is wrong. Says nothing is wrong. BUT, I'm still getting wierd vibes. Maybe he is just tired, but it just seems like my gut is telling me it's something more.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You are the most valuable and wonderful thing he has in his life and don't you forget that. DB, GAL, focus on your kids and give H the space to deal with any problems he might be sifting through. At this point... rather then worry about what might be going on, try to just be a friend when you are together. Ask impersonal questions, let him talk, no pressure... no pursuit.... be positive and try be the "place" where he will want to "stay."
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
be positive and try be the "place" where he will want to "stay."
This is exactly what I am working on. Last evening was a lot more positive and I have to admit "reassuring" for me. He had to be @ work at 4a.m. so he went to bed pretty early, but asked me to "tuck him in." So I went in & we just lay there & he thanked me for cuddling w/ him for a bit. He was showing me that he loves me and that everything is fine. Don't get me wrong, I didn't make a HUGE deal out of the way I was feeling the last couple of days, but he knew I was feeling a bit insecure etc.
Anyway, big weekend. Middle son's 4th bday was this past week so we have his bday party this weekend. Out of town in-laws etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
P.S. - hey Gab. I actually did send you an email before I even saw your posts on my thread here & on the other Board. Don't think I'm going to be visiting the other Board anymore. Hope all is well!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
