I need advice about my H and his OOW. H doesn't know I know about his OOW, but I do... I discovered his relationship with a previous OOW and that's how he dropped the separation bomb, listing all the bad things I did to destroy our marriage -- the first time I heard that he was so unhappy.
Now that I know the changes I need to make, I'm trying but we are sleeping in separate rooms and spends his time online most of the evenings with the new OOW in the "Second Life" game, where he has "married" her and "lives" with her.
I keep telling myself that although his month-long tryst with this current woman is really preventing him from coming back to me and our D, he is still living here and does thing with our family on a limited basis...
We are planning to go away this weekend as a family for four days -- a vacation he agreed to take for the sake of my D, likely, not for me. I know that the way this vacation turns out will influence the future of our marriage -- I snooped and saw an e-mail from the OOW woman that basically said that and that after our family vacation, the OOW will think about traveling to meet him, if he wants.
I hate her. And I'm angry with this alien who has invaded my H's body and puts all this energy and emotion into the OOW...
I've found some advice/understanding online at the Center for Internet Addiction. I'm posting the link because it might help any others in my situation. This article explains a lot about why Cyberaffairs occur and how they can even damage somewhat stable marriages rather quickly.
Here's the link:
EDITED – ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/13/0810:50 PM.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
I think your husband is addicted, and needs to get some professional help. As long as he's entangled with these online women, he'll never commit himself emotionally to working on your marriage.
I know my H is addicted. He has admitted all this online crap is an escape. When we went for our one and only IC, the C said we should be in counseling individually. I agreed. He said he'd think about it. He won't listen to me right now, and his family is no help. A part of me thinks he's going to have to hit rock-bottom before he admits he has a problem.
We are going away with our D for four days this weekend -- no Internet access. However, he has a cell phone and Blackberry to contact the OOW, so there will still be contact. Just not "in world," as all those idiot Second Lifers call it. And he'll have to make grand excuses to get away to contact her, although I'm sure he will.
It's all so high school, so juvenile, so ridiculous. He has a problem and has none to encourage him out of it because he's not going to tell anyone what's really going on -- I only know because of snooping. I've told his sister part of it -- I know, bad move because it's his family -- and she really thinks it is weird but doesn't know how to talk to him since we can't let him know that I've snooped.
I'm just hoping that he gets sick of this new woman and maybe sees the light in the whole ridiculousness of it. I'm scared that once the winter months hit it will turn even worse, since he will be "inside" more, y'know? Although he's inside all the time now, except for golfing once or twice a week, so maybe it doesn't really matter...
Eventually it's all going to hit the fan. I just hope our M survives it and he can get help for his problem.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
I would suggest you lay down some boundaries about contacting her from in front of you on vacation, or from inside your home. That is, if that bothers you.
From what I've learned about these types of addictions, I personally don't see it ending of its own volition.
My sitch is not similar, but I've been sitting here trying to think what I would do. This advice might not be the wisest move, but it might be somthing to consider. Although, I imagine there it's lots of good advice on some of these sites that offer information about internet relationship addictions....
I think, if I were in your position, I would probably admit to my husband I knew about the relationship. The addiction may be too strong, and he might not care if you know or not, but my suspicion is it will only get stronger either way. And your knowing may make it a little less comfortable and defantisize it a bit. My fear would be the longer it goes as this hidden fantasy, the stronger it would get and the more damage it could do to the marriage.
On the other hand, him not knowing allows you to monitor the situation.... so him not knowing may be something you don't want to lose. Espcially for any possible "meeting" they arrange to have. This I would definitely show up for... and I might even bring the child along too!!!! That could be a real romance killer....
Quite honestly, him meeting her in-person maybe the thing that kills it. Possibly...
If he does somehow learn that you know about the relationship ask him how he knows the woman is not a man? Maybe it's some old dude pretending to be a woman??? How does anyone know who any of these online people are? Heck, she's probably some 600 pound bedridden man, or some 90-year-old lady in a nursing home.
Another thing....I'd probably be tempted to secretly join the stupid website they are "married" on and become one or their buddies so I could infiltrate the relatonship and somehow destroy it. Maybe become your H's 2nd OOW!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
He definitely keeps it secret, but I'm no dummy... However, I have stopped snooping temporarily because it just hurts too much. But I'm not ready to confront him. Believe it or not, this is his second OOW that I know of...
The reason he dropped the bomb was that I confronted him about e-mails I found between him and first OOW -- whom he went and met, and then it failed miserably for some reason. And I begged him not to go, but he wouldn't and reassured me they were "just friends." Then I found e-mails from second OOW -- who scooped him up on the rebound and he fell for quite quickly. Apparently OOW#1 broke his heart. So I'm sure they were not "just friends."
I do think H needs help, but he won't hear it from anyone. I've told him around bomb-dropping time that I thought he was addicted, but he says "I know it's just an escape, yada yada yada..."
As much as he feeds into to this OOW, I think he is on the fence -- doesn't want to give up his life, yet doesn't know how to make himself happy. And my gut tells me this one won't last, like the other one didn't -- what's that they say about affairs, they last about 6 months?
So I work on getting stronger because eventually I will have to issue an ultimatum. But I need to be stronger first. It's only been about 9 weeks and I'm getting better every day.
And Runningoutoftime, she's not a man, unfortunately. How great would that be? No, he does talk to her on the phone and she's sent her photo and of course she runs some freakin' charity to help African kids and spread world peace and her father was some golf great, or so she says, which just feeds into my husband's obsession with the sport. It's too perfect...
And I've actually considered getting involved in that site and "posing" as another love interest. But frankly it takes too much time to figure it out and I'm not tech savvy. Plus I want my H in the "real" world... But don't think I haven't thought about it!
Thanks for both your posts.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
No, he does talk to her on the phone and she's sent her photo and of course she runs some freakin' charity to help African kids and spread world peace and her father was some golf great, or so she says, which just feeds into my husband's obsession with the sport.
Oh, how obnoxious!!! Some sainted golfer's kid who helps African kids and then trolls online for a needy man whose marriage (and child!) she can destroy.
Well, you hang in there, detach and take care of YOU (and your child). When he's online you go out and do something special. Do "real world" things, stuff with your D, really fun activities, that he might regret not being part of.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I know, it is obnoxious... I wish I could escape whenever he's online, but frankly it's at night when I'm ready for bed. She lives across the country, so he's up half the night to meet online at a appropriate time...
I'm just terrified he's going to meet her. We just returned from vacation, four days with D in the mountains with no Internet, but his Blackberry worked so e-mail was likely fine and I'm sure he sneaked in a phone call...
I think vacation went as well as can be expected, and he wasn't depressed during it and at times, quite happy, so I'm hoping he has second thoughts about having her fly out east to meet him. At least that's what I'm praying for.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
Have you attempted to establish a boundary of "no contact with OW from inside of our home"?? If he wants to go outside on the lawn and call or text her from his cellphone, or go to the Starbucks and mooch some free Wifi, then knock himself out, but NOT FROM INSIDE YOUR HOME.
I disagree with the suggestion of "go out and do something fun" when he goes online. This is YOUR home; you should not have to leave it to enable him to carry on his emotional online affair unfettered!
