Been married 20 yrs, the first half was great. I became very ill, and for the next 5 years things were on hold. The last 5 years have been frustrating, basically a no-sex marriage. W does not like that I've changed, (don't we all over time?) and basically uses sex as a tool. Instead of seeing it as a way to invest and build into our relationship, she seems to look at it like a tool to be used, a carrot. And that makes me awfully mad, causes me to tune out, and just not care. I feel used, and cheated.
I told her we needed to go to marriage counseling several mos. ago, she went twice, and refused to go anymore. I thought we were about to go our separate ways about a month ago, but she said she wanted to work it out. Have ML twice since then, the first time was actually uncomfortable. I felt she was doing it just to save the marriage, and frankly that's not a turn on. THe second time was more normal, beautiful, actually. Since then, it seems the old habits are back in force. Perhaps a little more conversation, I try to talk with her, but with not much response. And the touching part has ceased. Is it threatening? Or just not seem genuine, if she can't talk with me? I think no. 2.
We've just changed so much, and she's basically said she doesn't like who I am. I guess it's hard to ML with someone you don't like or respect.
So, sorting it out, into two piles. She loves me, she loves me not. If at the end of this, pile #2 is larger, I think I'll call the whole thing and live in a tent! LOL!
Confused, licking my wounds, and ready to move on.
We've just changed so much, and she's basically said she doesn't like who I am. I guess it's hard to ML with someone you don't like or respect.
JR-I'm confused, it's hard for her to ML because she doesn't like or respect you, or do the feelings (or lack of them) go both ways? Has your medical sitch resolved itself so you are...ahem...cleared for takeoff? If you are still living under the same roof and she is speaking to you, there is probably hope. Post some more, GAL a bit, set one goal for the coming week that has nothing at all to do with W. Peace. my sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1544101
Last edited by goldeylox; 08/03/0802:16 PM.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
What has changed about you that she doesn't like anymore? Is it something physical or in the way that you act towards her? It sounds like during your illness you two really disconnected emotionally. 5 years was a long time for her to wait for you. She probably disconnected to protect her feelings for you and the stop the hurt from missing you and now finds it hard for them to return. You may have even built a wall to protect your feelings while you where ill.
It is almost like starting over and may take a long time to rebuild what you once had together. As I have found, it won't happen overnight. The changes have to come slow and the trust has to build again. I can't tell you how many times I have had to experience that backslide. You think things are fine and then it feels like you are back at square one again.
My feelings toward her remained basically the same for the first 3 years of my illness. I loved her, talked with her, although I was so sick that sex was rarely on my mind. Occasionally, but I was one sick pup. Her attitude shifted once the kids were born also, but after I went down, she basically acted like a care giver. And after three years of being treated like a 2 year old, when I became sick I also became an idiot, I had an EA. It lasted about 5 weeks, and my wife was aware of it. I ended it, because it was not what I wanted, I wanted and needed her. But she has never been able to come back into the R without having real issues. Emascualting type behaviors. And that just angers me.
Church became difficult for her, while scripture and church became much more important to me. In fact, she blames that on a lot of it. I went to marriage counelsing for 7 mos alone, she went twice. The marriage counselor told me she said she was not going to participate. She basically told him she wasn't meeting me half way, she was done. So when I told her that I likewise was done, I began to prepare in my mind for a divorce. To move out. Started thinking about where to live, how to do this thing. I didn't/don't want to, but it may yet be neccesary. I was basically doing a 180, and didn't know it. I was preparing to move on with life. She then said she wanted to fix this, but it's been status quo mostly since then.
My self confidence is shot, because I'm always at fault, she's always mad, and I've finally realized that short of a miracle, this thing appears to be over. I am here because somewhere, deep down, I believe that we could be good again. Somehow.
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If I am reading you rightly, you are in a similar situation as myself. Your self confidence is shot, you are angry and bitter at life, God, and yourself and most especially your wife for making you feel like her kid instead of her lover.
I don't have the answer for you, but figuring out who you are first is going to be critical.
It sounds like her perception of you as the strong guy she married to support her went away when she had to become your caregiver. Your confidence definitely needs a shot in arm right now. Are you doing anything to make yourself stronger?
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Strong&Alive's posts (Be sure you are logged in before clicking the link to S&A's posts.) He has some great posts about things to do to get your confidence back.
Not sure that you posted anywhere in my topics. But please explain what you mean. I'll put together a much more detailed post, but what types of things might be helpful?
We've had some hum-dinger conversations in the last 5 months. She has always handled the checking account, and I never really cared. But as I became healthier, I became more interested in knowing about our finances, since I was the guy working my rear off, supporting her, and she never let me spend any of it. So I began to look into the finances, what the heck. It lit a fuse that really hasn't stopped smoldering yet. She told me all I needed to know was that our credit rating was good, and to stay away. Why didn't I trust her? I smelled something. Bullshit, perhaps. So I started looking in earnest. I found some irregularities that were explained, but which still piss me off, and weren't right. I now get the impression she thinks that if she gives me a roll in the hay once in a while, I'll be content enough to stick around and her life will remain as it is. No ripples, uncomfortable but under control. That's not what I want. I could have had an affair already if sex was the object. It's really not. I want a friend, a lover, a mate. She's not there. And I'm tired of playing games, by her rules.
My tolerance for this has reached an end, and we're in a period of trying to be civil, friendly, working it out, although that does not foster intimacy. Love, or respect. Or sex.
And one statement that summed up a lot for me a while back, and set me in motion, was when she told me that she married me "because I was safe." I discovered she married me because I was easy to manipulate, control. I didn't have balls. So, I got angry. And I am setting a course, and starting to drive this thing now. Not sure where, but I'm stretching my legs a bit, and trying to rediscover my heart. Which somehow was lost along the way.
It is unclear to me if you are just here for support, or advice, or just to vent...
So I will just ask you as I don't think you have directly stated it above but....do you WANT to recover your marriage or do you want to let it go and possibly end up divorced?
Either way, we're here for you but I am unsure which it is.
