JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

Hi all....

I have been posting here for about a month.

My sitch is spelled out in other posts.

After 35.5 months of standing, I delivered the call 2 days ago that I was going to file.

I learned thru that d*mn grapevine that my H and his OW were going to go on vacation together and are leaving today. They are going to a Motorcycle rally 2100 miles away.

I confronted H and he denied making plans to go on a vacation. I think H is lying.

When confronted about filing H said "do it, might as well, it's been 3 yrs and we might as well get it over with".

H and I talked for over an hour. H said he has feelings for me something he has denied by the way since 12/31/06. As far as loves me, H said that was a harder question to answer and I never got the answer to that. H admitted that we still have a huge connection to each other but I am not fun anymore as far as he is concerned and all he wants right now is fun. H said he doesn't want to marry the OW woman (twice).

H said he has seen my 360 degree changes and likes them very much but that he feels the "sanderika" he doesn't like is still just below the surface. Said he has come and gone in my life continuously over the past 35.5 months because he has been watching me carefully.

What is H thinking?????

I don't like what I did. Have I made a mistake??????

HELP ME PLEASE,

Sanderika

[butterflymom]

like the book says,

don't use the LRT unless you are really ready for it to be over for good. If you're not prepared to be divorced then LRT may not have been the way to go. If you are then go for it. Only you can decide at this point what you can handle.

BFM

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

Only you can decide when you are ready to get a divorce. I do not believe in the LRT at all. I believe it backfires. I believe it is manipulative. Do not file if you do not want a divorce. BUT...

You need to get your expectations in check. Did you tell him you were going to file because you wanted a divorce? Or because you wanted him to "come to his senses and tell you not to do it?" I think you know the answer. Just be true to yourself. You have absolutely no control over him. He will lie to you. He will do whatever he wants to do. And right now - he wants to have fun. No responsibilities. Be an immature idiot.

I have been on this bb for nearly 7 years. Most of the walkaways do not file. Why? Because it means they will have to make decisions. Do some work. Take some responsibility. And actually, they have no idea what it is they really want.

Your H wants to be with OW. That is clear. Remember that actions speak louder than words. What are his actions telling you? That he wants to be with her but have sex with you? Or that he wants to leave her and move back to you. I think you know the answer.

I don't mince my words. But I am not unkind. My H said the same things as yours. When I finally said "I've had enough - let's get divorced" - he said "great, we've waited long enough". But he did not file. In fact, he lied about the name of his L. Said he had hired the one I was about to hire (he didn't). Don't believe anything he says or does. But do what YOU have to do.

In your other post you say you do not want to phone the lawyer and get this thing going. Then Don't! My lawyer told me to get a separation agreement. But I didn't need to get a divorce. You NEVER need to get a divorce unless you want to remarry. So DON'T!

Your H is financially generous. Mine was not. He was happy to see myself and my kids including one very severely brain damaged son move out of our handicapped accessible home. Because he did not care. He did not contribute. He was a total jerk. I am glad to be rid of such a monster.

As long as your H is not being a jerk about money - then why file? As long as you are not ready for a new R or want to get married - why file?

Sanderika - you do not have to do anything you are not ready for. It is your life. You get to decide. And once you do it - you can't take it back.

Just my opinion but Last Resort Technique is NOT the way to go. I think it is ridiculous and amounts to game playing.

Barb

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Just my opinion but Last Resort Technique is NOT the way to go. I think it is ridiculous and amounts to game playing.

I agree with Barbie Doll IF you use it as a technique.

Even calling it LRT implies a trick or tactic.

When you are absolutely done, ready to move on with or without your spouse, and you tell them that, that is the only time the LRT works the way it should. When you are really ready and no longer care about losing your spouse.

[Sanderika]

Hi BFM, Barb & Jack_Three_Beans,

I went away for the weekend to think...First, thank you all for your replies.

New news I heard about is - H and his OW fight like cats and dogs because OW is demanding and controlling. H doesn't know what to do with it. BUT it is OW that is constantly breaking up w/ H because he won't conform to controlling. I know H and he is uncontrollable - IMO. H & OW went to our friends wedding 2 weeks ago and OW dressed like a street walker. OW wore a denim mini (I mean mini, barely covering her a$$) skirt and a very revealing tank top. The entire outfit was very inappropriate. They were a spectacle I heard. The bride was disgusted and said so. I guess everyone dressed up for this wedding. I also heard that H is very unhappy with OW. Friends are dropping like flies because no one has respect for him any longer. IT is all very sad. H continues to stay with OW because OW is FUN. I was told H is only interested in having FUN right now. I guess this is a typical MLC guy.

I am ready for something to be over for good. I love my H BUT it is not bringing him home. H told me I am not fun anymore. H has feelings for me but doesn't love me the way a H should love his wife. H says we still have huge connections.
This OW is something I can't live with. I told H I can't be married to someone who would rather F*** another. LRT should not be a game. I am trying to figure out just how fed up I am. I want him home BUT the facts appear to be that H has no intentions of coming home. I feel sorry for H, I have been trying to save him from this evil demon and his actions and choices. BUT, they are his current choices and H is not choosing to take me to our friends wedding (I was not invited). H isn't taking me on a 2 week vacation. H kicked me out of a company we started 25 years ago together and put the BFF of the OW at my desk and then brought in the OW to boot. H doesn't do anything w/ S12 to speak of. H supports us financially and that is basically all the attention we get. H hasn't wanted to be with me sexually since 7/11/08. I know that is not a long time ago BUT then again it is a very long time with OW in the picture. It points to H not wanting me or to be a family with us. I AM NOT PREPARED TO BE DIVORCED but I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS FOR 3 YEARS COME 8/16/08. I HAVE BEEN TO H*LL AND BACK SO MANY TIMES I CAN'T COUNT ANYMORE, and THE PAIN IS STILL SEVERE. HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE AND LIVE WITH. H is EXPECTING ME TO SEE A LAWYER WHILE HE IS GONE.

When I told H I would file while he was gone it was not a game. I was dead serious. I was also very hurt. I am still hurt. I told H I would file because of his actions and choices. I told H it was not what I wanted but that it was apparent that H did not want me or want to be a family any longer. I also told him that I love him very much and always will. I told H that I would always be a friend to him and treat him as such and with respect as well. The only thing I would demand in return was to be treated with respect.

I think that to lose my H would be more like my H losing me!!!!!! My H is not prepared for what he will lose. I feel I have already lost my H and his actions DO speak louder than his words right now. My H needs to have his world shook up.

My friends here say it will wake him up. H will either do a 360 and stop this BS and come home because reality will set in if it's not what he really wants. OR, H will not contest the D and follow thru with that. They say either way I will get the answer to my question.

JACK...You said that the only way the LRT works is when you are really ready to lose your spouse and don't care if you do. Well, I feel I basically told him just that because I told him that I love him but don't need him, I want him but don't need him. I said that I can't be with a H that wants to F*** another any longer that I deserve more respect than that. I told him his actions and choices did not include me or S12 and that I could not live like this any longer.

If the LRT works at all....When does it happen and what does it look like???????

I would be lying if I said I don't want him to come home and I would be lying if I said I still don't have hope that H is so unhappy that he will see where he belongs. BUT when is hope stupid and pointless, I am standing....but for why????

Sanderika

[brueniap]

"If the LRT works at all....When does it happen and what does it look like???????"

Sanderika,

Here's what it looks like - when it makes no difference to you because you are done. Pure and simple - when you're mind is not on it - that's when you see your answers.

I explain it this way. I found the DB book after I had already done the DB principles naturally. I feel that sometimes we use the book with it's "do this and this and this" and your husband/wife will return. I don't think it was meant to be read that way.

When you naturally fall into the "DB Ways" so to speak, then the answers naturally flow. When you are doing the things to "see" the answer.........well, the answer usually doesn't come...at least NOT the way the book said.

My H did come home. I wasn't really that thrilled that he did and he was a good guy compared to most here who walked out. Frankly I had found me and it meant the world to me. I found a depth in my relationship with God which far surpassed anything I had ever known in my life (tho I had spent a lifetime with my God). My eyes were no longer focused on my husband and what he was doing but on my God and my life and how I could serve others or learning how to be strong since I was alone for the first time in my life (I am 56). I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. My mind focused on other things - I was done.

LRT is "doneness". You just move on. You close the book. Books can be reopened. It is not a bad thing to close the book. Don't you want this chapter to end?

I hid my DB and DR books. Never want my husband to see them. He'll think I was using tricks to get him back and it's not the case at all. I did the things in the books and then found the books and said "wow, look at that - I did all this without even reading it". I could have written the book myself and then everyone could have bought the book from me.

I guess what I'm saying is that this stuff comes naturally after a while because you change......and with the changes come the answers. It flows and it's wonderful and you feel good and strong. And some people rejoin with their mates and some move on because that's where they are and they are not looking for anything. You just "know".

My H has been home for a year and 3 months now. It's been no picnic but it gets better with each month that goes by. It is quite comfortable now - the first 6 months, quite frankly, sucked. I don't feel that way anymore. Growth continues for both of us. There are frustrating times but there is always growth. But...I didn't do anything to get him back...nothing other than just let it go. I was totally prepared to be done and not look back or look for more answers and changes.

bless you - you'll find your way - you are already on your way.

brue

[Sanderika]

brue,

My H and I have been separated for 35.5 months. My H has had same OW since he left me. My H has stayed in contact with me regularly even sexually even though he has been gone.

I practiced my own verson of DB just like you did and I have found the techniques to be very similiar to those I thought of and practiced all by myself. That is even why H and I have maintained a personal and physical relationship for the past three years. I too do not find the DB and DR books very helpful to me and my sitch. I feel the books are better suited for couples who have not separated but are having troubles in the day to day routines.

HOW LONG WERE YOU AND YOUR H SEPARATED???

DID YOU AND YOUR H HAVE CONTACT WHILE SEPARATED??? WAS THERE ANY SEX???

DID YOUR H HAVE OW???

WHAT BROUGHT H HOME???

DID YOU TELL H YOU WOULD FILE FOR A D AND HAVE HIM SERVED???

I Called a Lawyer today and made an appt. for 8/25/08 @ 3:00pm.
I scheduled it for 3 weeks away to get used to the idea I have done this.

You say I will know "when I know". I am not sure I am totally done even though I have made this call. My H is coming back from vacation with OW and expecting to be served. H will think I am calling his bluff if I don't, and like Jack_Three_Beans has said if I don't follow thru with a so-called LRT I am a door mat. I wish I had not said what I said to him. I do not want to be considered a door mat.

I would rather just let go like you did and let H see that and have him come back on his own just the way yours did.

Please tell me more about your sitch. Like how long were you married, together, reasons for the separation, you know....I am very curious about your story if you don't mind.

My story is spelled out in my posts. My H is in a typical MLC. My sitch has a lot of unique qualities to it though.

I just came from my IC and I cried the whole way through my visit.

I am a very tired woman.

I am a very scared woman.

I am a very hurt woman.

THREE YEARS IS A VERY LONG TIME. MY H HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH OW NOW NOT JUST AN AFFAIR.

I do want my H to come home to us more than anything.

Thank you brue....

Sanderika

[brueniap]

HOW LONG WERE YOU AND YOUR H SEPARATED??? 1 year and 3 months

DID YOU AND YOUR H HAVE CONTACT WHILE SEPARATED??? WAS THERE ANY SEX??? After about 2 or 3 months of no real contact we began contact again. After 6 or 7 months - yes to sex.

DID YOUR H HAVE OW??? Long story.

WHAT BROUGHT H HOME??? Long story

DID YOU TELL H YOU WOULD FILE FOR A D AND HAVE HIM SERVED??? no

It is difficult to give you answers to your questions Sandericka. Something that I could go into for hours I suppose. I'm sure my posts from 2 years ago are in the archives somewhere. It's hard to try and put it all down again.

What I did one day is say that I don't have that much of my life left to be losing myself like this again. This is my second husband. We raised a wonderful blended family. We've known each other 30 years - we've been married 19 1/2.

I've dealt with affairs in both my marriages on several occasions thruout the years.

I was simply done. I wanted to hold the hand of my Lord and let Him help me grow and become who I need to be. I did not focus my every thot or attention on my husband anymore. He lived his life and I began to live mine.

This is what began to bring him home. When I say lived my life without him that's exactly what I mean.........just moved on. Never thot he'd be back. My husband doesn't do that. When he moves on he moves on.

I let it go and became me. I do not regret him walking out on me at all. It was the best thing for me.

I also "knew" when to contact him about certain things. It's a sense......intuition if you will. You just know it's ok.

Never did I do anything with the thot of him coming home. I was convinced he wasn't going to do it anyway. Just moved on. I knew if he filed I'd be fine. If he didn't file I'd also be fine. That's what I needed to learn...that I was simply ok either way.

When you let it go you begin to live........truly live.

brue

[Sanderika]

Hi all....

Thanks for the post brue,

I have been pondering something the Lawyer said the other day when I made the appt.

First he asked me what has been going on....filled him in briefly.

I told him that H has gone on a vacation w/ OW and that H backpaddled when I copnfronted him about this last Wed. nite.

Lawyer said..."Huh, he's still lying"

YES, AFTER 35.5 MONTHS OF THIS BS, H IS STILL LYING OR TRYING TO LIE TO ME ABOUT HIS CURRENT SITUATIONS.

WHY????? WHY????? WHY?????

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Me again.....

When I say H backpaddled....

H denied making plans to go on vacation with OW. H came right out and said:

"I am not going on vacation. I haven't made any concrete plans to go anywhere. All I did was mention a couple of weeks ago that I was thinking about going on a vacation. How come everyone in this town knows what I am doing before I know what I am doing. I would like to go, I don't know if I can, right now I might not go anywhere."

OF COURSE, I KNEW RIGHT AWAY HE WAS LYING BECAUSE I HAVE A WINDOW HE IS UNAWARE OF....

That was even why I called and confronted him about it.

I know what I did was backsliding.....

I think it was yesterdays Charlyne Cares email that Bob discussed what we do that drives a prodigal crazy. BEING NONCONFRONTATIONAL IS ONE OF THOSE...which is my usual behavior.

I just lose it sometimes because it hurts.

I want to be on the vacation w/ my H not that D*MN GERM.

Sanderika