Seperated-WAH in MLC-where do I belong?

[Sophie]

I'm not sure what forum to be in...we're seperated...I believe WAH is in MLC...and I've spent most of the last 2 1/2 years reading and reading...

I've been in the 'Midlife Crisie' forum...this is part of my thread. I don't know where to go for guidance, input, insight, etc., etc.

Yesterday...I think I did a 180 without planning but....I need help maintaining...

a little update:

Haven't heard much from WAH...we rarely do, he just is absent, except when it comes to soccer games/xmas/thanksgiving/4th of July/ and bdays....except he went overboard to skip out on my birthday last May.

None of us, S13,S10 and D8 have heard a thing from him since May 15th...except 4th of July.

I haven't had contact, I just do my thing.

Today is D8 bday. So...we heard from him. He sounds demanding to me...but, maybe I am defensive, hurt...and still fighting my anger.

I wrestled with myself..and in a couple conversations with him..about our plans for D's bday. The kids and I have talked and planned what to do for weeks!! The day before her bday, H calls expecting,or wanting, to be included. I hesitated, and he started getting short and bossy. I don't remember the words we went round and round with, but I suppose that's a good sign that I'm not dwelling on every word???

Anyway, I really, truly tried to keep off the usual circle of 'sling and spew'...I really tried to just state facts. He yelled that he wants to see his kids!!! I said, 'then start showing some respect to me'....and hung up.

Hours later, I sent an email 'D wants to eat dinner at Clearwater' Rsvp...

H: 'Just tell me when and I'll be there'

Okay...

then...earlier this morning, H and I were on the phone still trying to arrange something.

He kept bringing up how he needs to spend time with the kids. He has said this off and on since he left 2 1/2 years ago. We start with a schedule, he spends a weekend or two with the kids or the kids AND me, then...he ends up drifting away and doing other things.

So, I stopped making it happen...and we have probably had contact with him only 60 days out of the last 365.

But, today when he asked 'Don't you think it's important that I reconnect with the kids???'

I have been fighting for him to reconnect with me...that he needed to make peace with me before I could help him with the kids....I realize that is the wrong approach, but it irked me that I felt like he just wanted to step right over, or on, me to get to the kids.

I've been reading tons of posts here, going to links I've been given, and working very hard at letting go of H and me, and letting H become a father again if he so chooses.

And, I heard a familiar ring from this board...something like 'they tend to reconnect with their children first'.

Maybe...maybe this time he really has the need to reconnect with the kids. Maybe, this time he will be a father, and not the buddy. Who knows...but, instead of questioning him, voicing my doubts and hesitating, I just replied 'yes'.

I offered that he and the kids go to dinner for D's bday...that I would be fine with that. The kids and I were doing some things all day, and would finish after they had their time. I just let go.

Something snapped...for me to just let it go, give them their time, take the kids to his place, say 'have a great time'...etc...is a 180 for me. But, I don't know if it such a big deal in the scheme of things.

I have asked with my words so many times for respect, recognition and some sort of admiration for all that I have done to pick up the pieces, raise the kids by myself for 3 years, etc, etc...but... H only gets quiet, defensive or says something opposite of those things to me.

So, I don't know if I am strong enough to maintain this feeling of 'AS IF'....I hope I am because it really feels better than all the effort it takes to get someone to notice you...and treat you better than a 'has been'.

The toughest thing for me has been,dealing with how H has treated/responded to me as if I was the one that cheated on him and walked out on him, leaving him with a house to run and three kids to raise.

I need encouragment and guidance for the part of DBing where you are kind, nice and just a friend. The forgiveness part is a tough one too. But, I understand that God teaches us to forgive as we would want God to forgive us. That's a tough one for me.
_________________________
Sophie

[LolaL]

Hi Sophie...welcome to the board.

I think you are doing the right thing by letting your WAH reconnect with the kids. It is important to him, and to them. But I also agree that the responsibility should not be placed squarely on you. He wants the kids, he has to stick to a schedule. Kids do much better with structure.

There is someting really interesting about forgiving. I personally struggle with this, because I always thought if I forgave, that means it was okay.

It doesnt't. Just because you forgive the action does not mean you condone it.

At any rate, I am sorry you had to meet us under these circumstances, but we are a wild sort, have our ups and downs, and really try to laugh through this, because, after all, laughter is the best medicine.

So is breathing...

[Sophie]

Hi Lolal

Thank you for saying HI.

Last night I found this on forgivenss while searching through the boards. I too fight the word 'forgiveness' thinking that it means what the other person did is okay with me. And, how do you forgive someone who keeps do the same thing, or doesn't even feel they have done anything wrong?

Anyway, this made some sense..something I can hold on to. Maybe you've read this before:
~~
What is forgiveness?

There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
~~
Doesn't forgiving someone mean you're forgetting or condoning what happened?

Absolutely not! Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.