Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

[Sophie]

I think I did a 180 without planning but....I need help maintaining...

a little update:

Haven't heard much from WAH...we rarely do, he just is absent, except when it comes to soccer games/xmas/thanksgiving/4th of July/ and bdays....except he went overboard to skip out on my birthday last May.

None of us, S13,S10 and D8 have heard a thing from him since May 15th...except 4th of July.

I haven't had contact, I just do my thing.

Today is D8 bday. So...we heard from him. He sounds demanding to me...but, maybe I am defensive, hurt...and still fighting my anger.

I wrestled with myself..and in a couple conversations with him..about our plans for D's bday. The kids and I have talked and planned what to do for weeks!! The day before her bday, H calls expecting,or wanting, to be included. I hesitated, and he started getting short and bossy. I don't remember the words we went round and round with, but I suppose that's a good sign that I'm not dwelling on every word???

Anyway, I really, truly tried to keep off the usual circle of 'sling and spew'...I really tried to just state facts. He yelled that he wants to see his kids!!! I said, 'then start showing some respect to me'....and hung up.

Hours later, I sent an email 'D wants to eat dinner at Clearwater' Rsvp...

H: 'Just tell me when and I'll be there'

Okay...

then...earlier this morning, H and I were on the phone still trying to arrange something.

He kept bringing up how he needs to spend time with the kids. He has said this off and on since he left 2 1/2 years ago. We start with a schedule, he spends a weekend or two with the kids or the kids AND me, then...he ends up drifting away and doing other things.

So, I stopped making it happen...and we have probably had contact with him only 60 days out of the last 365.

But, today when he asked 'Don't you think it's important that I reconnect with the kids???'

I have been fighting for him to reconnect with me...that he needed to make peace with me before I could help him with the kids....I realize that is the wrong approach, but it irked me that I felt like he just wanted to step right over, or on, me to get to the kids.

I've been reading tons of posts here, going to links I've been given, and working very hard at letting go of H and me, and letting H become a father again if he so chooses.

And, I heard a familiar ring from this board...something like 'they tend to reconnect with their children first'.

Maybe...maybe this time he really has the need to reconnect with the kids. Maybe, this time he will be a father, and not the buddy. Who knows...but, instead of questioning him, voicing my doubts and hesitating, I just replied 'yes'.

I offered that he and the kids go to dinner for D's bday...that I would be fine with that. The kids and I were doing some things all day, and would finish after they had their time. I just let go.

Something snapped...for me to just let it go, give them their time, take the kids to his place, say 'have a great time'...etc...is a 180 for me. But, I don't know if it such a big deal in the scheme of things.

I have asked with my words so many times for respect, recognition and some sort of admiration for all that I have done to pick up the pieces, raise the kids by myself for 3 years, etc, etc...but... H only gets quiet, defensive or says something opposite of those things to me.

So, I don't know if I am strong enough to maintain this feeling of 'AS IF'....I hope I am because it really feels better than all the effort it takes to get someone to notice you...and treat you better than a 'has been'.

The toughest thing for me has been,dealing with how H has treated/responded to me as if I was the one that cheated on him and walked out on him, leaving him with a house to run and three kids to raise.

I need encouragment and guidance for the part of DBing where you are kind, nice and just a friend. The forgiveness part is a tough one too. But, I understand that God teaches us to forgive as we would want God to forgive us. That's a tough one for me.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Sophie)))))
I think you did exactly the right thing. I think that as long as he sees you as an obstacle to him reconnecting with the kids (assuming he means it), there's no way he is going to reconnect with you.

I don't know enough of your story to say much more, but I like this new approach.

[Sophie]

Thank you V-Handsome Jeff...I haven't seen myself as an obstacle until recently. I felt offended by it actually. But, possibly seeing things through H's mind/eyes...might help! It's definately a different view!!

I'm not sure what to do if he comes in 'my' house when he brings the kids home. The kids and I have cake and presents yet to open, we did have the whole day planned....I assume the kids would ask him in.

There is a 'mantra' in my mind....'ACT AS IF....just be nice'. I guess letting go of stuff is part of forgiveness.

He may not mean it this time either...he may have been exerting a power play with me...only to push my buttons. If so, he'll drift away again.

Just to give you a time frame...

Me-50
H-38
Married 15 years 8/7/08
D8
S10
S13
H affair 11/04-7/05
H moved out 4/06
9/1/07 I asked H to either pursue a divorce or find a way to bring the family back together...the limbo land was not working.
9/1/07- today...no contact from him to the kids at all, and he has been for soccer games and special days...only...about 60 different days, for a few hours...

[Virtually_Handsome]

I like your plan, Sophie.

See how it works, and how you feel with it. You are not committing to anything long term by doing this, though I think it might pay to keep it up for a while. Try something different, and monitor the results, right?

[sleeper]

Follow your instincts, and I believe you are.

Mine reconnected with the kids first after about 9 mos of not giving a flip about them. It was gradual but noticeable and she has now reached the point of telling me how bad she misses them when I have them.

This need to reconnect with kids may be different in intensity and timeframe between mothers and fathers. That would make sense.

Try to disconnect your emotions. Act "as if" and let him have them whenever he wants. I think one impediment in your sitch was that he saw you and the kids as a package deal. Sounds like he couldn't see them without you being around. That may have prevented him from connecting earlier and caused resentment on his part for you.

Let him have them whenever he wants. Let him see what he is missing. Recently my X asked if she could have the kids when it wasn't her time to have them. I asked, "Have I ever denied you your children?" Her response was, "no." A vast improvement for the man who was previously the source of all the evils in her life.

This is all good no matter how you look at it. It could lead to you H being back in the lives of your children or even back in your life to some degree.

It's a win/win sitch.

[Sophie]

Thank you, Sleeper...just the kind of insight I need to strengthen myself.

H brought kids back here around 8:30 pm and just came in for cake.

I just went on as if he is a good family friend.

It is 10pm and he has been 'leaving' for about a 1/2 hour.

I sneaked in here to type this before I forget.

I do have a little trouble with acting 'as if' because I don't want to in anyway give the impression that I am okay with his decisions....or should I give that impression? I mean, I guess that is all a part of GAL and living 'as if'...

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think he knows you are not ok with his decisions. What you are showing him when you act "as if" is that you are ok with YOU!

[Sophie]

Ah-Hah!! That makes sense! I really am okay with me; it's been awful feeling he is not okay with me. And...I am getting quicker at getting beyond that awful feeling each time H is nasty.

It's 10:09pm...he just left. I asked if they had a good time.

H said, 'Yes...thank you'
Me: Good...I had a chance to regroup, I've been running in a 1000 different directions lately.

Then he leaned over to look at this computer and I ever so casually minimized the screen. whew!

H and I have always enjoyed visiting and talking about life. That confuses me.
If we can get along that well, why are we doing this? Why does this have to happen to the kids?

Neither H or I have a ton of friends or family. H's family is very distant. They are friendly and fun, but distant.

In many ways...he and I have been the most true to each other out of anyone else in our lives.

But...he refuses to acknowledge that.

Sleeper~~

It is so true that the kids and I have been sort of a package deal! That is my doing, for sure.

I need to read, and re-read!!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

Good job, Sophie! It sounds to me like you handled things very well. There's no telling if it leads anywhere, but I really believe it was the right thing to do!

(((((Sophie)))))

[Sophie]

Thank you:)

I just wanted to add that after H talks(yells) things to me about wanting to be with the kids, but that he doesn't want a family with me etc, etc...I take it to heart, usually. I expect him to work this stuff out and talk to the kids about it.

But, he never does.

H spends time w/kids and I expect them to come back telling me dad wants us to come over this weekend or dad wants us to do this or that or...

But, he doesn't talk to them about anything...just that he hopes to see them again. H doesn't have any 'talks' about anything with them.

They made no future plans to get together.

It's like he backs off.