From a one year divorcee (stigma attached thank you).....what I do for my girl.
Unfortunately I have to work 2 jobs. I work one night a week and the weekends I don't have her. The weekends I don't have her, I recharge. The weekends I do have her are for her. The nights I have her, I try to keep a consistent routine so she feels safe.
Her dad.....IMO is a let down. Given the history I had with my dad, he's truly a let down. Ahhh but "he's changed".
I guess what I would like to see is not you pushing us to push them (dead beats) to be better parents. We're divorced.
I've raised a few issues with him. He knows how I feel. He knows what he should be doing. But he's a "big boy" and is doing what he wants.
Perfect example. He's taking a trip with his GF/OW next week. He had my girl all week and did spend time with her (good on him) but never even mentioned this trip to her. He lies to her, saying the GF who sleeps in his bed is his "friend". How confusing is that.
I try to combat the issues as they arise, set her straight, be honest with her without completely trashing her father.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Regarding the issue of "forcing" someone to be a parent... I really don't ever see that happening. It's just like any other "forcing" a person tries to do. Usually only leads to more frustration for yourself. That being said, I do think a person can get creative in trying to facilitate visitation or showing up. I don't think there needs to be any hand holding - for example in my case, my kids don't mention that their father doesn't show up for their stuff but he does visit them sporatically. When they want to see him, we do call and talk to him about it.
As good parents, I think it's important to see the wishes of our kids through in regards to seeing their parents so that they know at least that we tried. If their other parent drops the ball, so be it. I don't see anything wrong with contacting the other parent and saying, your child(ren) really want to see you. How can we make this happen? Sometimes it takes swallowing some pride to see the best interests of our kids through. - When I read this again, it sounds preachy. I'm just trying to say let's keep the best interest of our kids in mind even if the situation (within reason) goes against our grain. - there- more preaching!
I also thought of a scenario that I'd like to mention that kind of makes an example of what I'm trying to say...
I know someone that is divorced and has two children. His ex has somehow made the children extra aware of when it's "her" time. When it's her time with them, they don't have that freedom of interaction with their father. They seem like if they do interact with him much, she's somehow guilted them about it as it's her time - if that makes any sense. They also are on a very set schedule for visitation right down to the time/date/place and so on. She doesn't exercise flexability when it comes to visitiation. In watching all of this, I think it's just one more thing the kids don't need or should have needed to experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is I think flexability is key to a lot of things, including visitation.
The children do need a routine. It should allow for flexibility but too much flexibility can lead to control or an attempt to control the other's life, as well as taking advantage of a situation.
Here's an example.
I had said ex could have D whenever he wanted during the week - just to encourage him to spend time with her.
It seemed all willy nilly, he couldn't be counted on so I asked for a set day during the week. Now I normally, generally, usually expect him to get her from my parents on Wednesdays. It takes some of the control back from him. And I can plan things around that day also.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I agree with both of you! I found that a set schedule is good, the routine of it, allows you to plan stuff, etc. But some flexibility is good too. The other day D8 was sick with a stomach thing on H's day, Saturday, and I told him he could switch days to the next day if he wanted so she might feel better that day as he likes to take them places. He decided to stay with her on her sick day, but switching would have been fine too. Anyway, that's my take on it....Karen
Indigo wasn't referring to excessive flexibility. The kids of this person she mentioned could sleep in, since it's summer, but because their mother is so demanding that they get back at 8:00, they get up no matter how tired and drive back. Keep in mind that they are driving back to a mother that is still in bed....so why do they need to be home? He used to come over at 4:15, or 4:30, or 4:45 (when visitation "starts" at 5:00) and couldn't pick them up. They are sitting around watching TV and they can't leave with their dad for another 45 min, half hour, or 15 minutes, whichever the case may be. Is that reasonable?
P.S. I'm also sick of parents that act like their kids are possessions...sorry ladies, but I think it's mainly moms.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
