Divorce and Children

[sgctxok]

Chill out.

No grand motive. I started it in MLC. Moved it here when others suggested it in 'notify mods'.

[BigHands]

The initial topic is certainly appropriate here. The preaching about how we should avoid divorce whenever possible is not conducive to "surviving". We have enough accountability hitting us in the face daily. None of us need a reminder that it's hard for kids. And it seems that sg spends a lot of time preaching about avoiding divorce to those who are already there.

[sgctxok]

Then you completely missed the point.

The point is don't cheer someone on to divorce. And that was started on the MLC forum. Then I moved it over here on request. I also took it off for a similar complaint to yours and several folks asked for it back ... it's staying.

Now...the point HERE is to move forward and brainstorm SOLUTIONS for parenting while divorced.




(If it's not a thread you enjoy, why post on it and bump it up?)

[indigo6]

I think this is an interesting topic. It's certainly one that touches a nerve with everyone that is divorced with child(ren).

It's been over 10 years that my ex and I have been divorced. I kept racking my brain trying to figure out why he wasn't more involved in his children's lives. We lived in the same town for many years. I no longer live in the same town as he does but we're in the same state. I went back to when we were married and came to the conclusion that he was the same father he is now. He was rarely there and when he was, he was sleeping or golfing or doing "him" stuff. My children were very young when we divorced and he had little to do with them except if I asked him to watch the kids so I could get groceries or go out to lunch with a friend. I'm not stretching the truth. He was an absent father long before we split up. In my case, he loves that his parents have grandchildren and he loves showing his kids off in that scenario but otherwise when it's just he and them, he's still absent.

I talk to the kids about what they do now with him - my son being 12 and my daughter being almost 15. They said he's either on the computer, sleeping or at the gym. Lovely. Then he complains about not being able to do much with them outside of the apartment because "his child support is so high." Now there's another touchy subject. I told the kids that adult discussions like child support need to be between their father and I. I told him that, too, and he said, "I never said those things." Whatever.

Co-parenting is a pipe dream for me. Whatever I do, he's fine with unless his parents don't like it. I have tried to involve him and he opts out. I am the one that hurts about the lack of involvement when my kids are in plays, sports and the like and he's no where to be seen. He truly makes no effort on that front. There was a time when he wasn't dating that he did make some effort because he told me he was very lonely. I was also single at that time so I think his motives were a little twisted but that is the first birthday party that we had together for my son since my ex and I split up and I invited him to all of them that we had.

My kids don't complain that their dad doesn't show up. The only reason that is so is because their nieve to it. They don't know the difference because he's never taken an active role in their lives. That's sort of a mixed blessing. If they complained about it or were sad about it to me, I'm not sure what I'd do. All I know is he better not come crying to me some day if he gets a wake up call about how he never was there for his kids' activities. I can't imagine that happening but I'm just sayin'...

I would enjoy co-parenting if I had the option! I still notify him of events and things going on so that he can never say I didn't tell him. It's always one excuse after another. Too weird for me to comprehend.

Thanks for the ramble session.

[BigHands]

My point, which you clearly missed, is that you're preaching to a bunch of people who ALREADY ARE divorced. No one's cheering anyone toward it, but you continue to preach as if we're on MLC. My point, for months now, is that we are different. For some reason, the management philosophy here fails to realize it.

I have no issue with the thread or topic, only with the misplaced preaching. I still read it because my fellow members have a lot of wisdom.

[sgctxok]

Then you didn't read carefully through the whole thread, and exactly what you haven't read is from your fellow posters.

Make sure you stay within the realms of respect.

[Lissie]

Soooooooooo

What do you do when the X clearly spends more time with the children of the OW.

X came to pick up the kids today ON TIME (which he never does) to take out kids to the bday party of one of the kids of the OW.

Mind you , he didn't go to his daughter's bday party in May b/c my D said she didn't want the OW there.

But X said he didn't go b/c I didn't give him the exact time of when the party started.

Anyway, my son said I don't want to go to the party, and X said to our son, You are going, and you are not going to be rude.

My son replied was it rude when you didn't go to my sister's party?

X said do not talk to me that way.

Ok so, what do you do when the other parent, does not follow any of the "divorce rules"

Like not using the kids as a messenger

Like not introducing the kids to someone else, right away, especially after they PLEAD. Especially after they look at X in the face and say, Why of all the dads in the world did those kids have to find mine.

Like not bringing them home on time

Like ignoring the kids when the kids say I don't want to go there, I don't like it there, I want to have one on time with you.

What do you do when he dismisses all and does what HE thinks is best.

B/c right now, my brain is fried. B/c all of the information I get is on how to coparent with someone that is reasonable.

What if the person could care less about any thing that is better for the kids and marches to his own drum.

Let me know if anyone knows, b/c the panic and the overwhelming feeling of my chilren not thriving b/c of his actions and my actions are going to be the death of me.

I wish He would of just left really, and not looked back. But I know they need a their dad right?

[sgctxok]

You can't really control it, especially by force.

My partner's exW was wonderful, though. She IS a little controlling, but it 'worked'. She just kept at him and said "Bobby misses you (not his name)..." why don't you take him for an hour.

7 years later, and Bobby is 13, my partner is an wonderful parent, they coparent very well. They still don't like each other, which is too bad, because if they had DBd a few years before they divorced ... or a minute before they separated, I believe THEY could have saved their marriage. Actaully my partner nas Bobby AT LEAST half the time. His ex is going to remarry, and Bobby will live with him during the week and her on the weekends because of the school situation.


With me...anything I suggest, my ex does the opposite. He always has to 'win' the situation. My kids won't ask them himselves.



You're right. Your kids need their dad as well as a dad.

If your ex won't 'parent' ... they need a parent, and it's really hard for you to do all of it. You might be great and quite able.....but my opinion is.....just keep gently inviting your ex around.....don't 'fight' it even if he isn't following the rules, because you're likely to get nothing.

A judge won't make him visit....he may order it. He will most likely just give him the right to visit.




I sooooo understand your panic. That was my biggest problem throughout these divorced years.

And I don't believe it's your fault.

There are things I wish I would have done differently, but all you do is move forward.


IF I were starting from divorce differently......

I would have been less focused on survival and trying to get a career with money and education. We lived on less anyway, I think I would have made sure I relaxed more and just had more fun with the kids.

I would have been friends for quite awhile with someone before I started dating them. That's just me. I wouldn't bring the romantic drama into it. I'd get to know their character first. I'd watch their interactions with other people first. I'd like to feel we had the life mission together first. Again, that's just me. And my life isn't that way. It's good....but it took a while to get this way, and a fair amount of heartache.


When you are a single parent, you live in a glass bowl, it seems. The kids see everything you do and everything you go through. They know more easily how to push your buttons and you don't have that buffer of the other parent.

Although the truth is...some married folks' partners don't kick it in either.



Lissie....because it's on your radar, you will figure it out and do a good job. In the early days of my divorce I was pretty focused on my own needs.

[Lissie]

You can't really control it, especially by force.

Ok so saying nothing about what he does, is the way I go now. I guess I will just continue that then.

She just kept at him and said "Bobby misses you (not his name)..." why don't you take him for an hour.

I guess I will step this up a notch. Somtimes i just give up on him really. That is where I need to step it up. If he lives with the OW, (b/c 2 and a half years and have no idea where he lives) then he is about an hour away. So I usually just say forget it, but I should keep trying.

With me...anything I suggest, my ex does the opposite. He always has to 'win' the situation. My kids won't ask them himselves.

Bingo same here.

A judge won't make him visit....he may order it. He will most likely just give him the right to visit.

Oh no he visits when he is supposed to (most of the time) he just doesn't visit with just them. Which is what they beg for.

I would have been less focused on survival and trying to get a career with money and education. We lived on less anyway, I think I would have made sure I relaxed more and just had more fun with the kids.

Well 2 and a half years later, this is the first time that I have been looking for a different place of work, I really am proud or myself that I did not let the pain of his departure over come me so much that I put aside the kids. It was my only prayer at the time, God please give me the strength to parent. I said it over and over.

That's just me. I wouldn't bring the romantic drama into it.

Ok, well honestly they are really the primary reason I am not dating right now, and that is really ok with me. The thought of bringing someone else around them right now, b/c of the way they are suffering. I think that would be just to much for them. They have not met anyone.

Lissie....because it's on your radar, you will figure it out and do a good job. In the early days of my divorce I was pretty focused on my own needs.

It is on my radar. It is heavy on my heart. Focusing on my own needs well, that is something I need to learn to do more of actually.

thanks

[sgctxok]

Oh no he visits when he is supposed to (most of the time) he just doesn't visit with just them. Which is what they beg for.


You could mention it. Or let the KIDS plan something just with them and him....and let THEM tell him how much they enjoyed it with him.

THis stuff worked for the Coach's ex. The only thing that I have experienced working for me is having my kids intiate what they want. And he likes to make them happy.




Well 2 and a half years later, this is the first time that I have been looking for a different place of work, I really am proud or myself that I did not let the pain of his departure over come me so much that I put aside the kids. It was my only prayer at the time, God please give me the strength to parent. I said it over and over.


Quote:
That's just me. I wouldn't bring the romantic drama into it.


Ok, well honestly they are really the primary reason I am not dating right now, and that is really ok with me. The thought of bringing someone else around them right now, b/c of the way they are suffering. I think that would be just to much for them. They have not met anyone.


Quote:
Lissie....because it's on your radar, you will figure it out and do a good job. In the early days of my divorce I was pretty focused on my own needs.


It is on my radar. It is heavy on my heart. Focusing on my own needs well, that is something I need to learn to do more of actually.




IF I were starting over......I've begun running again, I thought about joining a running club...and I might, but I think male runners are probably nuts. So I might join a hiking club. That would probably be it or something like Habitat. I probably wouldn't do it through church myself...never say never....that's how I met my exH.

I hope I never have to start over again.



But Lissie...as you know...you get to create it afresh this time. And that's exciting, too. You get to make some choices how you will meet someone and what criteria you need.


So what do you need to do to take care of you?