One too many times, I fell over you Once in a shadow, I finally grew And once in a night I dreamed you were there I canceled my flight from going nowhere
It's all I can do To keep waiting for you...
Guess I'll just keep using song titles for my threads. The Cars lyrics to It's All I Can Do seem to fit how I feel right now.
Out of the shadows I finally saw that if I do the things within myself to make this a better marriage, it can be better. I had a dream about how it would be when I do make these changes. I stopped my running away from the problems in our relationship and faced them.
Now I'm waiting... Waiting for the changes in me to take hold so that she can see that they are real and lasting changes... Waiting for a sincere effort on her part... Waiting for true passion from her to return... I'm waiting for her... All I can do is to wait now and it's a very hard thing to do when you want your new life to begin right now.
Cinco
Me49 W49 D17 M23 Sep01 Me PA 1 Jan02 filed D Mar02 ended A 1 reconcile Apr08 Me PA 2 May08 ended A 2 Aug09 A's revealed My latest thread Drive
Saturday night, only one thing describes it... Sigh.
After dealing with illness and hospitals and wondering how my mom's recovery will turn out (she's doing much better now BTW), I wanted to do the one thing that makes me feel really alive and to forget the worries of the world. After waiting for two weeks to ML, I requested that I wanted her to touch me. It was the 11th hour wait before I finally made the request and 11th hour for us means 1 AM in the morning. I should have just rolled over and gone to sleep instead, because it was not ML. It was that obligatory chore-sex, she didn't want to kiss, and it was hurry up and get this over with. It felt like we've just slipped back to where we started again.
There has been no opportunity to have another SSM talk. I need to tell her that I need her working on this with me again. I'm doing, really doing my best. I'm loving her in every way that I know how. I want to feel her her passion towards me, I can't wait for it forever though.
God the waiting for her is so hard to do, give me the patience to give her time to respond to me.
I don't weigh in much, but I have read all your postings and followed along.
I would suggest that you look at Saturday night as a glass half-full moment. After all, you asked your wife for ml, and she did it, at 1 AM. I can tell you that if I ask my wife to ml late at night, it is a no guaranteed and from your sitch it seems that a couple months ago, she would have shot you down as well.
So, it wasn't the passionate ml of Lust...Caution, if you have seen that movie, but it was still ml. Your reality may never match your dreams on your wife's outlook on ml but does it have to in order to be good? The more I accept this, the better things get for me and once in a great while she surprises me.
CB
PS - Great song. I love The Cars.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I'm just a little down in the dumps right now after our great progress got interrupted by my mom's illness. It really wasn't all that bad and I did thank her that night and the next morning for the "touching", even though she really wasn't in the mood. We had been having some pretty passionate ML before, I just don't want to slip back to the "old" days, I can't live like that any more.
I haven't seen the movie "Lust, Caution". Maybe we should be watching movies like that to heat things up instead of the G-rated old silver screen movies we both like so much.
Yeah The Cars... back in the day I'd buy LP's and then tape them on cassette to play in the car stereo. I wore out about 3 tapes I made of those first two Cars' albums, "The Cars" and "Candy-O"...
The Cars were one of my first concerts! I loved them so so much. Unfortunately, I loved them so much that I listened to them over and over to the point that eventually, I didn't want to hear it any more. Luckily, when I stopped playing my records finally, I could enjoy them on the radio again. And these days, I just really love it and start dancing if I hear anything by The Cars! My favorite is "Let's Go".
Cinco, I don't have any advice for you today but I am just hanging by your thread, hoping for good news. I have faith in you and your wife to pull this thing around. There is a lot of work and time involved with that, so I don't expect miracles over night. However, I do hope that there is a new opportunity soon for you to have another very honest discussion. I hope you stick to your guns and do not accept a "dead", meaningless sex life with your wife. I am of the camp that we must demand "more" from each other, always, in order to pull the best out of each other. We cannot watch our loved ones only give 10% when we know they are capable of 100%. Your wife will one day thank you for expecting the best from her, because she will one day accept no less from you.
DQ - I just knew your favorite would be "Let's Go". You know when I met my wife I thought that was her attitude, Let's go and do stuff together.
I think I already reported my date disaster from over a month ago. I called her one Friday morning and asked her out for a date, just the two of us, to check out a restaurant we hadn't been to before. Instead of being excited to go somewhere with me, she was pissed I didn't want to include our daughter. We went anyway but it really screwed the whole evening up and I haven't tried "a date" again with her.
Don't worry I won't settle for less. I made a promise to myself that after a year of really working my ass off on our marriage, if there is no sign of a sex life inside of our marriage then I'm through with it. My motto is "Fix It or Forget It", It's not my goal but I am prepared if it comes to that.
I'm hoping things will settle down enough to sit down and talk things through again. We really need it I guess. David Byrne says, "Say something once, why say it again?" That's my attitude, I feel like I've said this before, no need to talk about it, just "do it", work on it now. I think she needs a reminder again though.
Cinco, I know it should seem like you only need to say something so drastically important once...and that it should sink in from there and not be an issue again. That would be logical. But...as you know by now...emotions are not logical. Your emotions and your wife's emotions are ruling this sitch, not your logic or her logic. Of course if SOMEONE (ie: you are going to have to do it) would snap their fingers in your wife's face and say "hey...remember? Filed for divorce once already? You agreed to read the book? Nothing has changed and therefore, good ol' Cinco was caught reading Divorce Busters website....because remember? Those ultimatum talks?" Then you wife will go "oh yes, logically it makes sense that since I haven't changed since those talks and I did not read the book I agreed to read, that he actually MAY divorce me. Makes perfect sense". But until those fingers get snapped, she is in a could of emotions that will not look toward logic on its own.
I hope it all works out for you because from everything you have described, your wife really does love you and does not want to lose you. She just doesn't really "get it" yet that she has to step up to the plate. Is she worth fighting for? I have to assume that she is, being that you have been fighting very hard to save this marriage so far.
I can tell you that if my ex-h had put in half the effort that you have, I would have taken a lot of notice...but on the other hand, if he let things die down again and didn't push me to improve, we still would have ended up divorced anyway. (But he never put in the effort to begin with so we never even made it as far as you have).
I am glad you are prepared to move on if it comes to that. I think everyone should always be prepared for that because if you aren't willing to even look at that option, it will inhibit your ability to make good choices.
DQ - After reading your advice in Lost's thread I think that my "SSM Talk II" will be delivered as a letter also. I may read it aloud to her but that way I will have everything that I want to say out on the table and she can read it herself later. Actually I have worked "on and off" on such a letter but now I think that it may be just the thing to get things moving one way or the other again.
W remember 6 years ago when we were about to get divorced. At that time I had given up all hope of things ever changing in our marriage, I was through, ready to move on. I didn't think that you would ever have any desire for me ever again. But then something happened, I began to see changes in you while we were going through marriage counseling that made me think that maybe, just maybe we could work things out. When I felt like the passion was coming back for us, it made me want to stay, and it was all I had ever wanted in the first place. It was in fact the only thing that convinced me stay and give us another try.
We did well for about 2 years and for me those may have been the best 2 years of my life. I was so happy that we had stayed together and wanted to make the best of things. We had made the right choice to stay together. But it didn't last and we started to take each other for granted once more. We started to slip back into our old bad habits. I probably was more to blame for this than you, as I never put in the extra effort to keep our love alive.
At the end of May this year we sat down and talked and I let you know that I wanted things to change between us. I also introduced the SSM book and wanted us to both read it and work on improving our relationship. We did a pretty good job of doing that for a while but now I feel we are slipping again.
I am giving this one more year. I want to see real and lasting changes in our marriage happening in one year from now. We either both work really hard to make this marriage work or that is it for me, I will not live like this any longer. My hope is that we won't need to go down the road to a split-up ever again and that is not my goal at all. Ending our marriage would be the worst possible outcome but you need to know that it could happen if we can't work things out. I will be concentrating all of my efforts working as hard as I can on myself and what I can do to make this marriage as good as it can be. I hope you will be working hard on us too. I won't do it alone. You must put in the work also.
Please read SSM and reread it again. All of the feelings of hurt and frustration are explained in that book better than I could ever put into words myself. I know you started to read it but then stopped. If you don't read and understand how much it hurts me not to be intimate with you, not to feel like you have any desire left for me, then you will never have the perspective and the will to work with me.
You also need to let me know what I need to do to fulfill your needs. I know I am lacking in the things that I do for you. To prove how hard I am willing on myself I will even start cooking for you. If this is something that will show my love for you, I will do it, I want you to feel loved and cared for by me.
W understand that I love you, I really do love you and I love D as well. However, I can not and will not go on any longer in a sexless marriage. Our happiness together is just around the corner for us, if we will really try to do this together and with sincerity. We can never stop giving our best to each other.
I know we have done things in the past that hurt one another but we can work through those things and have a wonderful future together. W please join with me in this effort and make our life together the best that it can possibly be. We deserve to have happiness together. ----------------------------------------------------------------
Ok guys and gals, let me know what you think. When I get a chance to sit down with my wife and really talk, this is the letter I want to read to and then hand to her. I think without an ultimatum she will never get really serious about making our M work again. Is it too long and rambling? All critique and suggestions are welcome, I need all the help that I can get. Get mean if you have to, I can take it. I do like nice more though
You know I appreciate everyone's help and encouragement here. I'm not sure where I would be right now without you all. I don't feel all alone in this when I'm here.
Cinco, I think it is perfect. Really. You laid out the time line of the past for her in writing so that she is faced with remembering that she has let you down.
She will likely get angry at first...try to be very zen during your discussion, even if she flips out. Just let her have her emotional outburst. It will just be in response to the fear that she may lose you. But when she calms down, if she sees you have remained calm, she will realize "oh wow, I better listen, he seems serious".
Did you also read NTE's letter on his thread? I think the both of you should give each other feed back, it will help you both.
I'm rooting for you...it is going to be a difficult conversation...but if it works out as you hope, you will reap rewards like you never knew possible. Remember that myself and Ali used to be in your wife's shoes! Never forget that. There is always hope.
if you have to, I can take it. I do like nice more though 
