Don't want to end it....

[Mojones]

H was supposed to go out Friday and he did not and I was so relieved.We went to the beach as a family yesterday.When we got back he went off for a ride by himself,said he wanted to enjoy the convertible.He called me from the road about 45 minutes later and told me that it was perfect out and would I like to go for a ride too. I said yes and off we went.earlier in the day he said that his skin was peeling from the sun. I told him to stop at the store and I would get a loofah so I could take him in the shower and help him out with it. He said that he would rather go for gin and tonic and skip it. I went with him and I waited for him to start being a jerk because lately when he drinks that is what happens...on several occasions I almost insulted him first because I was so defensive. He was complaining about how he used to go out two nights a week and now he never goes out.one of the nights he used to go out was with the ow. I got ballsy and asked him why he doesn't speak to his best friend (who helped him carry on the affair) since he has been home.He told me that he hasn't been able to reach him and it bothers him. I asked him if his friend might have got into trouble with his wife and was asked not to speak to my H any more. he said that is rediculous...he would leave her if she said that. (????)We came home and he started wrestling around with me. I asked him if he wanted to have sex (no I didn't say it that way) He said NO I DON"T. I asked him why and he said because I don't.
He has been nasty when he drinks, he has not initiated being intimate with me in a long time and he will not talk about the future with me. My H doesn't love me any more...in fact I think that he might not even like me any more. We have been best friends for 13 years. It hurt to write that just now. I don't want that to be true...but it seems obvious. I think he wants me to end things to save some face but I can't do that. I love him. I am sorry to ramble but I am feeling so confused. I want to save my marriage but I need more from him to do that than just being here and not going out that much. I can't approach him about anything because he becomes angry and shuts down. I don't know what to do and I am feeling really weak and down.

[SweetRedd]

Mojones,

I don't know your history, but I'm sorry your here and feeling down. The behavior your describing from your H is pretty typical behavior of a spouse that's had an affair and is confused/unsure about the marriage.

Have you tried not focusing on what your H is doing and focusing on trying to do things that you enjoy? It's a good thing that your H is still there and doing things with your family. And you're right, it's hard to stay in a marriage that seems one-sided, or live as roommates. How long has this been going on? I take it that his R with OW is over now? How long ago was that?

One thing I see in your post is that ya'll went out.. he talked to you about his feelings.. you didn't get defensive and listened. That's great! You came home and he started wrestling around with you... I think that's a good sign too. he didn't back off until you mentioned sex? Back off a little.. let him initiate physical contact and don't ask for more. let him make the first move. I know how hard this is.. I've been there. If you haven't read DR by Michelle, pick up a copy. I'll say it again.. that he's there with you and doing things with you and the kids is a good sign. Try not to speculate too much about what he's thinking and feeling.. he might not even know himself!
Read the posts here and keep asking for support. If ya'll have been best friends, there's a good chance you can save your M if that's your goal.

Sheila

[Sugar and Spice]

(((Mojones))) I'm so sorry you are here, but this is a great place for support and advice.

I agree with Piglet, he did invite you to go out with him and that is good. You listening and not getting defensive was good too. The sex thing would bother me too, but treat it like you did/would do if you were dating someone new. Wait for H to initiate. You can even make a game out of it. Tease him a little (dress differently, make some changes for you) and see what if any reaction you get.

Mainly, stop focusing on him and what he is doing and focus on you. Make changes in you that help to create some PMA for yourself and let H figure out his stuff on his own. If he is confused then its something he will have to work through.

((((hugs))))

[Mojones]

I went for a ride with h to discuss the way he has been speaking to me when he has had a few drinks.He said that he did not know he was doing it he was sorry and wouldn't do it any more.He sounded angry when he said it.He also said that he didn't remember telling me no about sex. he said that he is bored but he doesn't have any suggestions of what to do about it.I told him that is something we need to work on. i told him that it is hard trying to work things out with him not knowing how he feels about me.He said that he thinks that I want him to "dote"on me all the time. As far as the word "dote"goes this is not true...he said what he means is that I want him to think about me all the time...still didn't make sense at first. After thinking about it and reading your posts I realize that I am sensitive to everything he says and I focus on it way too much. i am looking for a sign that he loves me, that he respects me or that he will never do what he did again. I told him this...that I just wanted him to be vulnerable to me as i have been to him. I asked him if he was able to say anything nice to me and he said yes but not now because he was too frustrated. to answer your question piglet, he has been home since May. We have had ups and downs.He says that he does not see the OW. Promised me and D13 he would not. He is however very flirty and does not ackowledge this and he has been talking alot about a co-worker...again i might just be being sensitive to what he says right now. When this argument was over everything went back to normal.As normal as it has been any way. I still don't know how he feels and I am still scared that he will cheat again, and i don't know how to move forward building a life together. he is so confused about what he wants...just in everyday life like what he wants to do for fun...it is so hard to not be confused and sensitive. thanks for responding...I started to think no one would.