losing sunshine but gaining happiness either way

[LosingSunshine]

New thread before other one locks.

[LosingSunshine]

I'll post a link to my last thread on Monday when I will be on a pc.

Lot's of thinking and deciding to do this weekend...
Do I continue fighting for my m? If the OW a dealbreaker?

Do I settle for joint custody and joint residency or let things go to court on August 14 and try for permanent temporary custody and are if W comes too?

Do I approach OW as Stubby recommends?

I read PDTs any regrets thread and have many ideas and appreciate the insight from everyone. I guess my confusion lies with not knowing which came first. WAW or EA with OW? Does it matter as it relates to how I DB?

W had a horrible emotional night last night and is not acting rationally. Maybe because I caught her in a lie. Maybe the are beginning to think I know what is going on which is why she wants to move out ASAP. How can I work this in my favor without causing her to do something stupid? Or, is that what needs to be done?

I am learning more about my love for her as I don't want to hurt her. Why do I feel that way if I don't care?

Ugh!

[jandn]

I dont think it matters which one did come first, it has happened and is in the past. Its time for a rebirth, not a time to rehash.

Fight until the end if thats what you want and you know how we have to fight.

I wish I could offer up more advice. You seem like me wanting to know every move to make and its hard and it sucks thinking about the reprecussions or more damage you can do than good.

I'll try to link it up for you right now.

Dont quite understand the RO?

[LosingSunshine]

Thx jandn!

I think a year from now, maybe sooner, I will be able to look back and say that even though I had NFC what I was doing, even though I listened as best I could to the advice and did my best to let it sink in and apply it, I did my best and I am happy. Hence the title of this thread.
And thx for trying to link in the thread. Outside of work, I do most of my posting via my blackberry as my home pc gets used by W and I don't want her knowing I am here.

Chris

[Lostforwords]

LS,

I am moving my comments and thoughts over to this thread before the other thread locks. the pre-divorce arrangement with the children is out of my experience area. I do agree that you need to let your wife move out if that is what she intends to do. I think, only my opinion, that sharing the kids 50/50 at this point isn't a bad thing. The hard reality is that this is whats going to happen if your divorce is finalized and may be even beneficial to you in the end. I would appreciate some input from Sandi2 and other WAWs, but here are my thoughts. It seems that you put a lot of effort into taking care of the children that maybe going unappreciated. Your wife may find out that taking care of the children without your help is harder than she thinks. Everybody at one point or another thinks they can do everything on there own without help and then the reality sinks in eventually. The downside to this action is the OW may move in with your wife and offer support with the childcare. It is hard to say.

What if you tried this approach and others can beat me if they think I am wrong. Agree to her moving out and 50/50 custody of the kids. Then offer her to help her with rent payments with a few conditions;

1-You can pay half her rent, but half of what you pay gets credited to the amount you are going to pay her to get her share of the house. This has many benefits to both of you...she can afford a better place for the kids. She gets the feel of raising kids alone. you get some space to heal. Finally you start paying off some of the house payoff amount.

2-She doesn't move some one else in. She does that and end of deal. No need for you to pay for her friends living arrangement.

Get all of this in writing and notarized.

Another thought with this pertaining to the OW. If there is indeed something going on, this maybe a wake up call to both of them. Raising children is not always a walk in the park as we all know. Another point I want you to consider is this. Could your wife have been the cause of the breakup with the other partner? If that is the case, the OW could be less than committed in long term relationships. So looking at the OW, it could be perceived that her longings for others wanders from her current partner (whoever that is) and there is a good chance it will happen again. If you read Michelle's statistics, there is a lot of stress put on the other person in an affair situation when it becomes the main relationship. Your wife is carrying emotional baggage, children, sexual confusion, and a ex-husband. To me, that doesn't sound like a lot of fun and a harsh slap of reality to the face. It is definitely hard to party ever night when some one has kids....so that form of fun will definitely be cut back also. Maybe your wife moving out is the reality taste she needs.

[ernest88]

Here's what I think..I think you need to decide what is best for you and those kids..Only you know that in your heart. I also think you need to let her know you won't stand in her way of going to OW, now if she wants to go but the kids stay with you until something is on paper and legal..I also think you need to let her know that she will not push you into this haphazardly..looks like she's in a big rush. d'S with kids take time.

[LosingSunshine]

Thx Jandn, LFW and Mike!

I'll post more of a response later as I am about to go golfing and am focused on a lingering question regarding sexuality. I would appreciate any thoughts from anyone, especially from the fine ladies on these boards.

Over the years, especially after 4d was born, my W would look for any excuse not to be intimate with me. I've heard:

I am not in the mood
I am tired
I would be more attracted to you if you lost weight...I was only 15 to 20 lbs over ideal
I would if you didn't smoke
I would if you wouldn't drink
And the list goes on with excuses

Now, upon reflecting on the past, the best times, ie not the okay just get it over with type sex, she had been drinking.
Even when we were dating, there was always alcohol.
Obviously that is not healthy and I can't think how to word the question but does anyone have any thoughts, insight, experience with something like this?.

[LosingSunshine]

Okay. Long afternoon and evening. The course was slow today so my buddy and I played four balls each per hole...9 hole course. Then tonight we went to the race track to watch the sprint and modified cars. My first time ever and I had a blast. A few wrecks, flips and fires. Wow! Of course, when I get home the W has to run off but we did have a pleasant conversation. I turned up the heat a little with some questions. She agreed to read what ken posted about ACOA. That should be eye opening to her. I also asked her how much her parents know about the sitch. The reasons leading up to it and everything that has been going on since. They are clueless as she has told them nothing much. She asked why I wanted to know and I said I was just wondering. I also talked about how tonigt and what I am doing with the kids tomorrow is all with other families. I also said that she is more than welcome to join us as well as join us at church tomorrow. She declined.

I will be letting my l know Monday am about W plan to move out and take kids. I will also being the subject up with w when she is not so emotional.

My question from earlier today was based on me trying to make sense of the past. Still curious if anyone has any thoughts. Maybe it's because she is ACOA? Maybe she was abused? NFC.

Mike, I hear what you are saying and please keep it coming. I have a lot at stake with some heavy decisions I need to make in the coming days. I know what I want for the kids and I am confused as to whether it is my love of W or fear for my kids future that is making me waffle and be a little indecisive. I am going to pray about it and yet to figure it out here in the next day or so.


LFW, we don't have the financial ability for her to move out but I think the heck her dad sent her this week is to help her with that. Going to stand my ground with the kids until I she a digned doc in front of me though and my l is involved.

It's late and there is severe weather coming.
Chris

[jandn]

Over the years, especially after 4d was born, my W would look for any excuse not to be intimate with me. I've heard:

I am not in the mood
I am tired
I would be more attracted to you if you lost weight...I was only 15 to 20 lbs over ideal
I would if you didn't smoke
I would if you wouldn't drink
And the list goes on with excuses

Now, upon reflecting on the past, the best times, ie not the okay just get it over with type sex, she had been drinking.
Even when we were dating, there was always alcohol.
Obviously that is not healthy and I can't think how to word the question but does anyone have any thoughts, insight, experience with something like this?.

I heard all them too and some(not the smoking part, i never have but she likes to start more than she quits and not the weight either). Even when W was pregnant with D, thought she would be in the mood more often. Not so. Guess I wasnt and hadnt been and still didnt fill her love tank. Dont know if you have heard and read of the Five Love Languages but that is what I am making reference to. Everything needs to be balanced and they need you especially emotionally for everything to be working.

Im sure someone else is going to explain it better than me. When I first read your post on my phone earlier, thought the drinking was the only good times you had together, but rereading it its about the sex. Was going to say, hey thats me and my W on thats what we mostly did when we first met.

The drinking making it better just seems she was more relaxed and comfortable with herself and could open up more. You are probably going to get a lot of feedback on how us guys have so many misconceptions in this area.

[LosingSunshine]

Thx jandn! I was reading your thread late last night and have some thoughts so i'll be stopping over in a little.

As for 5 LL, yeah I've read it and have a good clue which are my Ws. The thing with the fun is that before the kids we would have fun with or without alcohol...but intimacy was mostly none to nil unless she had been drinking or felt pressured to put out. My guess is that this goes back to college and beyond.heck, we didn't evec ML on our wedding night!

Why I am trying to gain insight is because I will be seriously letting go as she starts to move out and the settlement agreement is hashed out. The more I think and pray about keeping the door open, I always come up with another issue. Even if the emotional basket is full, can she be sober and intimate? Yes, it's her issue to fix but it will play into any piecing that would have to be done.

Sort of rambling here but I noticed this awhile back and even said something to her. Must not have heard like I didn't hear her.

Chris