Counseling or not when there's infidelity?

[HopefultotheEnd]

I posted this question in my newcomers thread but thought I'd ask here as well to see what you all think as well.

My W has moved out, is seeing OM and regularly states that she is confused as to what she wants.

I saw a new MC yesterday who suggested that W take the next session so she can tell her side and we can be on even footing with one session each. Prieviously I had pretty much decided that no MC would be effective while my W was in an active affair. But, this MC offered some pretty good insight and I think it might help. So I'm thinking that I should make the offer. W will most likely go.

What do you think? Do I make the offer to her or continue to focus on me? The pro's vs. cons are pretty even on this one as far as I can see.

Any insight would be helpful.

HTTE

[HopefultotheEnd]

Hmmm, thought I'd bump this. Anyone have input?

[Sugar and Spice]

H2TE, in my case MC while H had OW was a waste of time and seemed to do more harm than good, for us. We also have other issues besides OW, but our MC said as long as there were 3 in the marriage that C would do no good. She said that as long as OW was involved that H wasn't doing anything, just skating. She described it as a triangle where H was having his needs met by both of us (me & the Troll.) As long as we were willing to let it stay that way then it would, with the only benificiary being H. As long as the triangle remains intact, there is no need for anything to change, it is essentially stable and through both the Troll and I continuing to accept less than 100% from H, nothing changes. Why should it? Its cake eating at its finest. I finally stopped because as long as she was/is in the picture - there is no marriage to work on. When and if he is ever able to stop seeing her (romantically) then and only then will there be an opportunity for us to try and put it back together.
But thats just me.

[hoosiermama]

While I suppose there's nothing to lose by having a couple more sessions--the next being W with MC--it's pretty much conventional wisdom that as long as there's a third person in the marriage, MC will be absolutely ineffective. SandS had a great perspective with the triangle analogy.

Either way, IC is very helpful for me and probably most people in this kind of sitch. It might be a big help for you as well.

[Sugar and Spice]

Oh yes, definately. My IC has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. H even went to an IC for a couple of sessions, until he heard what he didn't like and then bailed. He wasn't/isn't ready for that yet.

You know your sitch better than we do, but speaking only for myself, we would have been better off if OW had come with us because we got nothing accomplished but more hurt feelings.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Thank you.

[lovehopefaith]

When I found out about my H's online women (he's on number 3 now in the Second Life game but he talks to them on the phone too), it was a complete shock. He told me he had been unhappy for year -- a blatent lie, in my opinion -- and listed all the things I had done to make him miserable and how he knew I would never change. I told him if he was to live in our house he'd have to go to counseling. Since he wanted a "separation" (he has never uttered the D word although I know it's likely in his head), he agreed to MC only for the sake of our daughter, to "transition" her.

So we went to one session, after which I decided the C would be my IC. The MC session was basically useless other than the fact the C heard my H's side of it and declared he was likely depressed and did tell him that if he thinks he doesn't love me that people can fall back in love again.

Needless to say, that was about 6 weeks ago. H has agreed to more MC but only because I told him he'd have to go. After going to IC for a few sessions, reading DR and taking in the situation, both the IC and myself agreed that going to MC should be when he is "ready," not because I want it. She and I believe it is best not to "push" him into it. He asked me a while ago if I scheduled a session for us but I told him I wasn't ready yet. I don't think he asked because he "wanted" to go.

I know he "agreed" to go because I kind of "made" him, but I truly think going now -- when he is so wrapped up in the online OW -- would be useless. It would just end up in D, I know it. And I'm not ready for that either.

So my plan is to make myself stronger, go to IC, get my own emotional issues in order and make some changes, and DB my butt off. Maybe in a month or two I might be ready to go approach MC with him and be able to handle the pain I know he's going to inflict on me in it. Plus I need to find the "right" C to encourage marriage, not D. And I'm worried about that as well.

I don't think MC is the answer ALL THE TIME when a OP is involved. I think it can backfire if the other person is not ready for change. If I were to drag my H to MC right now, and mention the OW, he would feel trapped and pressured and likely the C would ask him to give her up and he won't do that right now.

My hope is that the "excitement" of this current OW will wear off and he will be able to see what is right in front of him, or maybe accept working on the marriage. If not, then hopefully I will be stronger to get through the MC process.