I have read both DB and DR now and I think I have some good ideas to start with. I have my first appointment with a DB couch tomorrow. I see my Therapist today. I am going to discuss this with her, but I would like to get some feed back from you guys on what you think.
The W and I are emailing on friendly terms at this point. I am sticking to non-R topics like her work and my work short and friendly about once every day or two. No mushy stuff, just chitchat.
My question is should I continue this type of communication or stop it?
We have talk by phone about three times last week nothing this week. She said I could call if I need too. Should I call and talk to her on the phone?
It reduces my stress when I have some communications with her, even though it is chitchat. Is this good idea? After reading the books I really want to get started on this road back to recovery, but I an not sure if that is the right way to do it?
Sorry to find you here. Sorry if I missed your oringal post, perhaps you provided more detail. If not, can you give us a little more detail about your sitch? It will help us to help you.
About the communication: Without knowing your sitch, it's harder to make a suggestion, but generally, if you are the person who was left behind (LBS), in many circumstances, it's best for you to let the spouse (S) initiate the communication. This accomplishes a couple of things:
1. It let's you focus on things you are doing for yourself 2. It helps show that you are not needy - something that is unattractive to the person who walked away 3. It gives you time to reflect on how you can better communicate, so when you do, you are able to meet your goals
Speaking of goals, have you set any?
One thing to note: Keep going with the chit chat, but let any relationship (R) talk slide. Do NOT initiate a talk about the R. If she pulls you into one, it's probably best to try to keep it as short as possible. Make sure you LISTEN, too.
Those are just a few basic starting steps. Remember: there is no "one size fits all" resolution. We post to try to help you, but overall, you know what is working and what is not.
Good luck. I'll try to check in with you.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
I am having a little bet of a hard time navigating around this forum. This is all new to me. My stitch is under the heading of “Gone for 6 weeks” in the WAS forum. I do not know how to attach a link here , but this too I shall learn.
I have not finalized my goals as of yet, but I will have my first visit with my coach tomorrow. Maybe then I can put them together.
I have already started responding to W emails. I try not to initiate any communication. If we do email I keep it short and to a friendly point. She has not talked about R either. She talks about what she is doing in her job. Her travel plans and to hello and check to see if I am OK.
The last thing she said about our R is that if she came back she knows that she will fall back into the same old thing. It sounds like her Therapist talking to me, but she is probably right …… for now.
Another thing I think is strange that when she came by the house to pick-up some of her papers, she said that she did not want to take any of the family pictures. …. Any ideas why?
The last thing she said about our R is that if she came back she knows that she will fall back into the same old thing. It sounds like her Therapist talking to me, but she is probably right …… for now.
To me, it sounds like she would be making an excuse because at this point, she has doubts about the R working.
Quote:
Another thing I think is strange that when she came by the house to pick-up some of her papers, she said that she did not want to take any of the family pictures. …. Any ideas why?
My W did the same thing. Her apartment has no pictures of anyone, not just us, though. She still has pictures on her desk because she doesn't want to let on to people about our issues.
For you, she probably just doesn't want this R in her face. She is trying to figure things out and pictures are a sure reminder of something that no longer exists the way they did in that picture.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
What are you referring to? If you are not familiar with the posting, here is a hint: You can make quotes of things that people said appear in a box by typing the word quote between brackets. Example:
[quote.] Test [/quote.]
I had to add thet periods so it wouldn't display, but if I take out the periods, it looks like the below:
Quote:
test
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
Sorry about that I am new to all of this! Thanks hope this works.
[quote]For you, she probably just doesn't want this R in her face. She is trying to figure things out and pictures are a sure reminder of something that no longer exists the way they did in that picture. [qoute]
That apparently didn’t work. But I think you know what I am referencing to now?
Yes, I know now and will comment. For the quotes, you need to spell quote correctly, and also put a / on the second (that indicates where the quote ends).
I would consider this both a good and a bad thing. Bad because she doesn't want to be reminded of the R you had, but good because you have the opportunity to forge ahead and try to make a better one.
One suggestion: Don't take things like your W not wanting pictures around personally. I know that seems very hard because you care about the R, but to be honest, at this point, you must focus on the basics that need to be fixed first. This process is going to take a while most likely, so buckle up and get your patience in check. Trust me, I have very little patience and my sitch is drving me bonkers.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
Yes, I know now and will comment. For the quotes, you need to spell quote correctly, and also put a / on the second (that indicates where the quote ends).
Thanks I got it now!
I know that I have more to work on than pictures. Patience... what patience? That is hard for me too! I am working on that very hard.
