Howdy..havent posted for quite awhile. Spent a lot of time in Newcomers.
Here's the update to my sitch...W and I have been separated since April. Her issues are that we are 'too different' 'ILYBNILWY' and a fleet of the other standard excuses. None of them make any sense to me, especially after all the time we have spent together. These would have come up long ago.
She filed and our court date is in Dec. We have been together 16yrs.
So, Since April, we have had little contact. We share the kids and rarely talk or communicate at all during drop off times. We do occaisionally txt or email each other, but its normally all about the kids.
I pursued big time when I got the bomb. I obviously chased her away. But once she moved out, I totally withdrew. She hasnt followed.
Obviously what I am doing is not working and pursuing didnt work either.
I miss her terribly. I have not communicated with her for several weeks and late the other night I sent her a txt 'i miss u', because I really do. She replied 'really, you dont treat me like you do'. Not sure how to interpret that and not sure how I would act so she felt like I missed her. Does she want me to pursue her some more? And, it seems she's disappointed in my behavior towards her in some way...as if she doesnt like me going dark...
Anyway, I'm a rookie at separation. What I would do to have my W look me in the eye and give me a big hug and kiss...I could use some advice from some wiley veterans.
I dont know if there is anything you can do to sway your W. Only time will change her thinking. And if the day comes that she realizes that your lives were meant to be spent with each other, it should be up to her to convince you. The thing you dont want is for you to pressure her try again if she is not 100% ready. You dont want her back if she is only going to give up again. That is how I am thinking in regards to my W.
December is a long way off still. I so hope that she comes to some awakening, but if not, you need to be ready for being divorced.
Nice to hear from you. Wish things were going a little better for you. I have become the eternal optimist. Like Kerry says, December is a long ways away. Did you ever figure out what her LL is? Try to incorporate into your strategy....at the end of the day it is her call...that is why this is so difficult for LBSs.
Yes it is difficult to do LL without interaction. However, if her LL is words of affirmation....you could have e-mailed "you looked great last time I saw you" instead of or with the I miss you e-mail. you see what i am getting at? My W has the same LL....I don't hold back at all anymore. If I think she looks good, i say it. i also try to encourage her in her business decisions which is something you can't do right now. Don't give up ...... try the words of affirmation.....go slowly....good luck.
Hi there. Just another opinion and they are like ...
With my W, I have to walk a very fine line between pursuing and her perceiving my behavior as that I'm moving on. This is my first thought about your W. I would say to be very very careful, but, try as much as you can to find reasons to communicate. When you exchange the kids, you could try being so pumped up about your day that you can't help but ask her about hers. I've purposefully done this. I think that this one is helpful in that it also shows that she isn't the sole focus of your life. One other thing that I do is occasionally send an encouraging e-mail with no other purpose except to encourage her.
W and I are separated, but, not calling it that. She was a single parent for 8 months when I moved for a new job. She wanted 8 months too. But, I have good reason to believe that at least some times she has mentally moved on. So, I started LRT and a bunch of 180s. At one point I began to sense that she was reacting like I was moving on. So, in response, I backed away from LRT/dark to heavy dusk. I will occasionally say ILY, but, not every time I talk to her. I will very occasionally ask about how things are going, but, only if she says something first. I can't tell you how things are going because it's been less than a month since I started. What I can say is that I think that she understands that I haven't moved on yet.
She seems confused, which for you, is very good. She wants to be persued, yet wants to also be in control. I would LIGHTLY try a LL comment. Only ONE, and see what happens. DO NOT smother her with compliments that will only sound like you want her to come home. Give it a try. At this point, you have nothing to lose. You're already headed toward D, so what's the worst that could happen. Also, make sure when you do the kid exchange that she see's some sort of 180. Show up in your workout clothes like you're going to the gym if that's different for you. Or be wearing something spiffy like you're going to see a play. Get the idea? Make her wonder a bit about what you're up to.
When I saw the title to your thread, I thought it said, "HURLING tostada". I came to see why you're throwing food. I must be hungry.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I have been Hurling for months...but not the tossing food type...tossing my cookies type.
The 'you dont treat me like you miss me' comment really surprised me. I was expecting a 'sorry' or 'go talk to someone' or something like that. I have no idea how to treat someone like I miss them if I dont feel they want me in their life.
I suppose I'll put on a tie and drop off the kids today....that would be different....I'll also try a nice comment or two.
Not two! ONE nice comment. See what happens first.
If you can find Marcums past threads your wife sounds like his wife. She wants to be persued, but there is a VERY FINE line between persuing and smothering. Too much persuing is smothering, too little means you don't care, etc...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I dropped my kids off at W house. I got all dressed up like I was going to a fancy meeting or something. It was a 180 because my kids were asking questions....however, W not there on time. So I couldnt toss a LL message while dressed up. So I txt her something about her not being there. She called and totally went off on me that she had told my son she was going to be late and they could use the back door. My son had no idea. I just mentioned all she had to do was call me and I could have brought them over a little later. She also lambasted me because we went out of town last weekend and she didnt know where we had gone. I didnt know I had to check in with her all the time...
Anyway, I emailed her back saying I'm sorry that she's in a bad mood, we didnt know she wasnt going to be there, and that I still cannot read her mind. I said that all I was trying to do was drop off the kids and now I'm the bad guy?
She called me right back and said she was sorry. She felt I had not been nice in the past on emails, etc. I had just said how is it possible to be extremely nice when I'm totally ignored? I told her I just didnt know she wasnt going to be there today. We talked for a few minutes and I said she sounded very stressed out. She agreed and said there was 'a lot going on right now'...so, I pursued a little. I asked her if she'd like to come over for a massage to ease her stress. She said she was taking my daughter to lunch and then had to work this afternoon. I said that offer is available when you want to take it.
So...I guess it was good she called back to say she was sorry. and, I think it's good she didnt rebuff my pursuit with an 'it's over' type of response.
