I NEED HELP! I have a “Walk-away Wife” My wife of 33 years surprised me 6 weeks ago that she wants to split-up. She says that she is extremely hurt and angry about the almost nil romance, the verbal abuse she was getting from me, we don’t have anything in common and I think she thinks that I had an affair 2 years ago. She said that she like to be alone and wants to be independent. She doesn’t feel that either of us is happy in our relationship and she wants to be friends. She is not pursuing an immediate devoice, she want to take our time on this matter. She still has problems handling this concept, but she knows that this is right thing to do for both of us.
We are both career people and because of the long commute she say been living in another town during the week and coming home on weekends and long holidays. She had a female roommate for the first 2 ½ and living alone for the past 8 months. She also travels around the country doing job related business. The job is very high pressure and she is extremely good at it and is highly respected in her field. So we have had self imposed separation for almost 3 years. This separation was good for her to be able to concentrate on her job, which she enjoys very much and it reduce 3 hr commute per day and the wear and tear on body, mind and bank account. She gets a lot of praise and acknowledgments from the employer and from all over the US for what she is doing. I am very proud of her.
She claims that she has been thinking about this for almost a year. She is not into therapy, but she visited a therapist two times to help figure out her problems. She told me that the therapist told her that she was doing everything to make me happy and nothing for herself. The therapist describe our love in our relationship as a brother sister type. It is my belief that she went just long enough to validate her thoughts and quick going to therapy. When she hit me this bomb shield she said that she had mad up her mind, but after my pleading she agreed to keeping an open mind to the possibility of changing her mind. She absolutely did not want in sex, but we slept in the same bed and cuddled. I know I have some issues and we agreed that I would start seeing a therapist. Which I did the very next week. She did not think she needs to go, because she knew what she wanted. She doe not think she needs any therapy.
After my second visit to my therapist, in as many weeks, I asked her to make an appointment with my therapist to talk her by her self. My though was that we see the same therapist as my times as it takes to work out our issues then get together as a couple to see if there was any common ground we could stand on to make the marriage work. She reluctantly agreed and made an appointment. Well she had one meeting and asked that she (wife) could met together with my therapist the next day during my appointment. I knew what was going to happen. I was right! She told the therapist that she had made her mind up and wanted to slit-up. I was totally devastated. I told her I was more than willing to make the changes in my behavior. She said that she has changed and I do not need to make any changes in our relationship. That was that.
So from that point we have not seen or talk on the phone to each other for about 5 weeks. We have communicated via email for miscellaneous non-relationship type of information. It has been emotionally devastating for me. I have continued seeing my therapist. I have the excises to help me work threw this mess. This was very emotionally hard on me, because I saw all the bad things I had done. It was all negative. I am really not that bad. I hit rock bottom this week and almost did the worst thing imaginable. If it was for my sister who called my wife and told her I was in real emotional trouble and if she did call me that it may be to late for anything, but a funeral. She called and we talked for about 3 hours. The conversation brought me back onto solid ground for now, but her mind hasn’t changed. She keeps telling me that this will be best for both of us. Of course I do not agree. I know that we weren’t the happiest couple before but I guarantee that we are not now (at least I am not). I know she still loves me and she is now seeing her therapist. We both have issues. When she cam to the house last week to pick up some things she wrote in a note that she doesn’t want any of our family pictures, just the one of her desist grandparents.
Maybe relationship is over, but I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP. I want to keep trying. I am through reading D.B. and in the middle of DR and it is giving me some ideas. We did not have a real courtship; we got married 3 months after we met. Should I write this relationship off and start working on developing a new type of relationship with her? Should I not give on this marriage yet? I do not know what to do! The book doesn’t have anything that really fits my situation. I do not want to quite, I want to work this out. Is there anything someone out there can help me with? PLEASE HELP ME!
