Met with my C today. She continues to be supportive of what I want to do, which is nice. She agreed whole heartedly that I need to let H know that I know about OW. I let her read my letter, and she thinks I need to cut out the first three paragraphs and just get to the reason for the letter----no more apologies, no more putting blame on myself. She also thinks I need to be there when he reads it. Since she knows our whole story and knows my H (she is our MC), she thinks I need to be present when he reads it. Of course the reaction will be unpredictable, but she's confident that if I am not there, he will read it and avoid me more...............which makes sense. Still working it all out in my head...............It's not much of a letter anymore, more like a memo:
Over the past two years I have felt you pull away from me. I have felt our connection fade in to nonexistence. I have known for quite some time that this was not just about us. I have known for a long time that there was someone else. I know that you have established a relationship with OW. I confirmed this fact several weeks ago. I know that she has recently divorced her husband, and has two children of her own to raise.
I am writing this letter because I know that if we can ever have a future together, you need to know that I know about your relationship with OW, and I think that I know at least some of the issues that you are facing. I also want you to know that I still believe that we can get through this, and I am prepared to do the work.
I have had problems dealing with scheduling time with the kids. Our inability to communicate is making this difficult. The fact that I know about OW will not, and has not changed my attitude regarding our children or their well being---they need us both, and with your help, I want to work out a schedule that will work for us both. I do not intend to broadcast to the world what I know, and haven't, with respect for our children.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I think we've met on Jeff's thread before, but this is my first post on your thread. I like the new version of the letter. It gets the points across really clearly and simply.
Okay, if you are there when he reads it, then what? Do you have expectations of discussing it right then? If he does not say anything, are you going to ask questions? Do you have a plan of what you want out of being there? If not, I still think you give it to him to read and tell him you will be there when he wants to discuss it.
That being said, I don't know your H. Maybe your C is right. Maybe not. Her take that your H will avoid you if you are not there tells me that she thinks you should confront him if he does not have anything to say. If you don't, he is still avoiding you even if you are sitting right there, no? Why else would you need to be there? I can tell you with certainty that if he is not ready to talk about it, a confrontation/direct questions after reading that letter will go no place but downhill. You have every right to ask anything you like of him. You might even need to at this point to start living your life for you again. Just be prepared for stonewalling, lies, and counter-accusations...
Questions - Are you or your H religious at all? Do you pray?
Take care.
FW
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
Hi The letter seems well written and thought out At one point, i also wrote a letter to my H but never gave it It helped me just to get it all on paper I dont know how open your H is or where you and He are at in this process If he eis open to you and the Reconcilliation idea then maybe it will work I think my H always appreciated my attempts at meking amends for my part in out M I verbally made amends on a few different issues and I believe it helped pave the way for a friendship and helped me clear the air as for my situation, Nothing has helped bring H around so have low expectations -- and if he tried to avoid any conversation about the letter, that is what my H would have done Good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well, letter delivered. I received total silence, and a few tears. I sat there with him and we held hands for a long time. I told him that I wasn't going to force him into a conversation, I just needed to be there when he read the letter. After about 30 minutes of silence I told him that if and when he was ready to talk, I would be here. I held it together, no tears on my end. A little shaking, but no tears. I don't know, I think it was the right thing to do for me. Given my H's TOTAL avoidance on everything, being there was a good idea so I could get his reaction and he couldn't pretend he never received the letter.
I expected the worst, didn't get anything like I thought I would. Time will only tell what happens from here..........
No, we're not religous, but I have found myself praying lately................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I remember sitting with my H in the beginning of all this and laying my head on his chest in total silence....and I asked him to make sure he really thinks about what he is doing....obviously he chose the long winding road.....
I'm glad you are now in the open with you H and he knows you know about the OW....wait and see what happens....maybe he will come to his senses...and good for you not crying...I was a mess...which didn't help my sitch at all....
Keep me posted.....Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I am glad things went well (not sure that is the right word). Praying for you, your H and your children.
FW
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
