Hang ups and wandering minds

[Mojones]

today is an uneventful day. I did housework and lounged around looking rougher than I have for a long time. I usually put make up on and try to get more gussied up since the a. As I am folding clothes all of these thoughts of what has happened invade my mind.D day...his response, her response and then the phone rang and the person on the other end just sat there. I was mad and I wanted to swear,or say"yeah he is HERE. Have some respect for my family and YOURSELF and go find someone that is not married." I just hung up. Yesterday he said his friend Anthony kept calling him...it seemed like he was going to say he wanted to go see anthony. I checked the phone bill and not one call from Anthony came in yesterday. I can't stop being suspicious and I can't stop being nice to him. I mean REALLY nice to him. He would never know how upset I am inside by the things I do for him. The way I react to him is getting better. I listen..I don't except blame all of the time but I can't stop being good to him and I don't know if he deserves it or not. I know that you all have given me wonderful advice and I believe what you say....I need to stop doing all of the things I did. I just keep being overly nice and I don't even know if he wants to be here. I tried to talk about buying a piece of furniture...he won't discuss it...acted uncomfortable like it was too far into the future.

Sorry if I am rambling...I just need to vent. I am frustrated with myself..and I am haunted by suspicion and bad memmories. Overall I am doing better but some times I get so upset. I have so many questions about how he handled things, how he feels and whether or not he could do this to me again. Thanks for listening.