Anyone here with a WAS and no children?

[MaxP]

Poet,

I'm still around every now and again, although W is dropping in any minute now. I'll try to read your sitch sometime today.

Glad to see people suggest others who are in similar sitches. There are a lot to draw on there. Thanks One Day (I see you are in the UK too, not far away).

In terms of my M and D. In the UK you can't D until 2 years have passed since sep - assuming a no fault D. That's probably the only reason why she hasn't filed.

Take care,

Max

[MaxP]

Ok,

W has just been and dropped off loads of stuff from her Dad's place. Was ok, but I must admit to feeling a little shaken when she goes. I need a distraction.

Poet, heading off to read your thread right now ...

Max

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just wanted to say hello as I have a WAH and no children. I have an open thread on the separated board--have been separated for 1 week only, during which time we've had a good degree of contact, but this is likely to diminish as I'll be leaving the country for 10 weeks.

I am not sure what kind of advice/support I can offer yet as I'm pretty new to this all and still having a hard time coping, but I have had 2 phone sessions with a DB coach, and am happy to share any of her insights from my own situation that you or others might find useful. I am going to read through the rest of your posts now, and will try to write something more meaningful later on today.

All of the best
ITH

[Lord Grenville]

Table for 3 please!! Or is it table for 4!!

Make it a table for at least 14, Please.

I stopped updating my threads (linked in signature below) about a year ago when my W and I began meeting with a divorce mediator, but I have been posting here and there occasionally.

We have been separated for about 18 months now, and even though I have been DBing almost as perfectly as possible, she has not shown any signs at all that she might change her mind.

Even though we don't have children, we do have a 15 year-old Welsh Corgi who lives with me, and she misses him terribly, but her landlady (who lives on the first floor of her apartment building) does not allow dogs to even visit the apartment. We usually see each once a week at the same church we have been attending for almost 19 years, and I usually bring our dog along for the ride, and we share a dog walk after church.

The issue of children is very interesting. I always felt we would have children eventually, but we wanted to get an arts-related business going together first, and that never really got off the ground. Whenever we talked about having a child, she always said she did not feel ready yet. That was o.k. with me because I felt the same way. Her parents had been putting out major grandchildren hints and nudges for years and years, and were disappointed that they still did not have grandchildren when all their friends did.

About 4 years ago, W's brother and SIL had a child. This was around the time we moved away from Boston (where they lived too.)
When Parents-in-law visited, all family activities revolved around the new nephew/grandchild, and the sun rose and set on him.

I wonder if a major part of my W's MLC is feeling that she has not accomplished her professional goals, and that she is a disappointment to her parents for not providing a grandchild too?

I met an artist last summer who had been a WAW and she told me the only reason she went back to her marriage was because her children were showing major emotional damage after she left, and it was for their well-being that she returned. I saw their family at an art opening last Autumn and all appeared well in their marriage.

I realize that these forums are full of spouses with children, where the WAW or WAH does not care at all, but it sure seems that it is a lot easier for the walk-away-spouse to leave when they are only hurting their spouse.

LG

[istherehope]

Hi Poet,

I saw something in your other thread about how you wanted to be missed. I am very new to all of this, so by no means an expert but maybe if I tell you about my own plans, it will be of some interest...

We're not to the point where H is threatening D, but I can see that coming if I don't tread very softly. He wanted a 6 month separation, and I came up with something that would give us 3 months, and then we re-evaluate. During this time we will have counseling. I am dying inside, but am showing him outwardly that I now think this is a good idea. H specifically said to me "I need to miss you". He also said "you need to give me lots of space." So, and I know this isn't an option for everyone, I am leaving the country for work for a couple of months. This is one of the benefits of no children I suppose. Another one as I see it is that there is less guilt involved. If your H comes back to you it is for YOU and not for the family--not saying coming back for the family isn't a valid reason, but just suggesting that there is something special about knowing that you are the sole reason for his change of heart.

I have been working, over the last 2 weeks, on not texting, not calling, not sending emails. I haven't always succeeded, but at least none of them have been obviously needy. I think that the going away for 2 months will have a positive impact on me, even if it doesn't make him miss me. In our sitch he has said he won't date anyone else, though I still do worry about an EA as he tends to have lots of female friends...

Do you have the opportunity to go away yourself for awhile and create your own distance? I see this as sort of forced GAL time. Could you maybe go away and not tell him about it--even if it is just for a week?

I'm talking to a DB coach too, so in case you find any similarities in our situations, I will tell you what she has told me:

1st call: Jody told me that I was smothering H and controlling him, and that he didn't like himself with me, because he didn't feel like a man. I also never listened (H's perspective), so I need to actively listen.

After the 1st call, I moved out. I did follow the initial advice and did not call to see how he was etc. He did not soften to me, but at least I felt I had some dignity.

2nd call: 1 day before our 1st counseling session, Jody suggested that I take the session as an opportunity to listen to H's POV, and to make sure that I didn't break down, remained calm, and did not use that as an opportunity to vent my own feelings. I did just that, and when he said he had his guard up around me, I said "I can understand why". I even said that my going away for work was a great opportunity, and that I agreed with him that if things worked out we needed a "new relationship". I screwed up a little by continually emphasizing that my end goal was to save the marriage, but I tried to lighten this by saying there were no deadlines. Jody also suggested that when we had lunch the next day, I be confident, light, and happy. I mostly pulled this off, though made a few mistakes where I mentioned future activities and asked if he had a good time (pressure).

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you in your own situation, but I'm thinking good thoughts for you, and I hope you are doing well today.

ITH

[sadincolorado]

I too am similar to all of you, in that I don't have kids. My situation sounds really similar to MaxP's actually. I'll have to search for his story here.

[JCJ]

Hi Poet

There is also me, iamlost and JWS in the Separated forum. The only answer I ever get from my h, including why he left, is 'I don't know' - not much to work on hey!

(((Poet)))
JCJ

[Clayton]

Hi guys & girls,

I'm the left behind spouse of a WAW with no kids.
I sure it makes it easier for the leaving spouse to come to a decison if there are no childen involved.

In my situation, I was pretty clueless as to the extent of my wifes unhappiness. We never ever had any sort of discussion on problems in our marrage. I guess was very stupid not to see what was going on.
She left with no warning of a seperation and went cold on me almost immediately. She has never told me she loves me or even kissed me since she told me she wanted out (not even a kiss on the cheak). I thought we were real soulmates and I am now totally devastated.
We are slowly getting back to being on friendly terms and are meeting about once a week for dinner. Even went bowling 2 weeks ago.

I seriously need to learn patience if I'm going to get through this.

Anyway..I'm very glad to find this forum

[MsMelancoly]

Since all of this, I have a pondering theory. My theory is that a WAS, that just drops the bomb & leaves is really running away from life .... life .... the good and epecially the bad.

I think even though my H didn't give any warning. Deep inside I knew there there were issues. I just didn't want to recognize them. I would have never kept my sanity if I didn't have my furkids. Sometimes, I think, if someone really heard me talking to them they would think I was nuts!!!

[sadincolorado]

Clayton,

It sounds like you have a sitch very similar to mine. My wife asked me to stopping saying ILY, because she gave me a wierd look when I would say it to her after the bomb. Look at the bright side. At least she is willing to do something with you on a weekly basis! At this point I don't think my wife would give me the time of day.

MsMElancoly, I think you are right on about the WAS walking away from everthing good and bad. I think my W is running away and when there were signs with the distance between us growing about 2 months ago I felt it and didn't take action then. Maybe by that point we were already heading to this, and the night we had our huge argument and she dropped the bomb she was more than willing to cut ties because she had already developed some feelings for this OM. I just don't understand how she can just walkout though, I've been frustrated at times but never to the point of giving up...until after she walked out.