Okay...you can read my complete sitch on my other threads. I have decided TODAY that I will keep myself honest with LRT by committing myself to keeping a daily blog of everything that does or does not happen with H. I am hoping this will keep me on the right track as the longest I've made it using LRT is 48 hours.
Soooooooo...today is a good day. H called on his way home from work...made idle chit chat about his job for about 15 minutes. I mention to him that I saw a picture of him in some of the material his work uses for marketing. I tell him he looks good...he says "no...I look like I'm losing my hair". I say "you are far to critical of yourself". He says "like someone else I know" (meaning me...I have awful self esteem which ruined our sex life) I say "if you are referring to me...not anymore". He says "oh now you know you are hot?" I say.."no, but I'm passable with a push up bra and some make-up". He says " you don't need a push up bra to be hot". I think these comments are good?? Anyway, he asks to talk to D. I gave D the phone and walked upstairs so that I wouldn't be let down when he didn't ask to talk to me again. About five minutes later, the phone rings again, I pick it up and H is on the line. He asks me a question about his Mom and then the subject of our recent lovemaking session comes up. I intimate that I would like to have a repeat performance someday and he makes reference to "preparing himself" in the future (if you know what I mean) so it can last as long as possible. I make a few more comments so he knows I'm serious and end the call with.."okay well I will let you go...have a great day and I'll talk to you soon".
Oh how I wanted to talk to him longer, but I don't want to push him away. I love him more than he'll ever know and I vow to be a different person in the future..not just for him, but for me.
What will tomorrow bring???? Something good, I hope
First to answer you Jen...I haven't gone dark and don't plan on it, but what I'm doing as a last resort is the following:
1. Not bringing up the relationship 2. Keeping the tone of our conversations light 3. When he talks about the future and doesn't reference me in it, I don't react...no matter how badly I want to. I used to always say things like "oh and I don't suppose you think I will be there?". 4. I'm being happy and fun to be around 5. I'm looking pretty all the time (used to always have on sweats and my glasses when he got home from work). Now when I see him I may "look casual", but I put a lot of work into it You know what I mean...I may be wearing jeans, but I took great pains to wear just the right ones and my ponytail is lookin' cute with the little hairs hanging down on the sides like he used to say he found sexy. 6. I am putting NO pressure...no matter what before he left I would beg him to say he at least thought about me sometimes. That would immediately set him off and he would leave mad.
Phew! Okay now for the 2nd day of my LRT trials and tribulations:
H called after work...he is supposed to have D on Monday and Tuesday, but he has to attend training so he asked if he could come by and see her for a bit. I said sure. About an hour goes by and he calls back to say traffic is awful and he'll be here soon. I ask him if he's seen a movie my D and I were going to watch. He says no so I ask him if he would like to watch it with us when he gets here. He says sure so I tell him I'll see him when he gets here.
So he comes in...we watch the movie and I ask him if he can change the lightbulb in my closet. He goes upstairs to do it...and when he's done he tells me I look good in my pants. I say thanks...and also throw in something suggestive. He says when I talk like that it drives him crazy and I better be careful....
I say some more suggestive things and say..."you don't like it when I'm sexual?". He says...I just keep wondering why now...I wanted you to be this way forever. I reply by saying...well...I've got my hormones straight and my head straight now so...this is me! I then walk away.
We go downstairs and I tell him to be safe at training this week and that's it!
I'm not a man but I think you're doing great. You're doing some of the same things that I'm doing and trying to do. Sometimes it's difficult but we pick ourselves back up again right?
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Having a day when I need the energy to pick myself up right now. H is away for until tomorrow for work and there has been no contact. I, of course, spend this time thinking of all the bad things and having bad dreams that I swear are probably prophetic (yes I know I sound crazy).
It's a rollercoaster ride from hell! I swear I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I keep thinking to myself....for God sakes...he moved out...what else do you need a slap in the face??? He doesn't want you!
It doesn't help that he's been out of town and I haven't had contact with him since Sunday...my mind is running away with itself and it seems I can only conjure negative thoughts.
