It has been a long road and I feel like I've done a lot of growing and healing. I learned alot about myself, and my husband, and my family...
Overall I like myself and my life. I have future goals, and I'm trying to enjoy, and deal the best I can with every moment of every day.
Also, I feel like I've developed a close friendship with my husband, I give a lot of love and support and I can tell he apprecitates it. In fact, I feel like he appreciates me more than he ever has in the past, and that he feels very happy and content being married to me.
Life is good. It's not perfect, but I see a lot of good, and I appreciate what I have....
On the other hand, I find myself sometimes having infidelity dreams. In them, my husband has met someone else again... This seems strange to me because I do feel secure, and at peace, with my marriage. So I'm not sure why I keep having these dreams. Maybe my subconcious still has worry and fear? Or maybe I'm still trying to work out, and come to terms, with feelings?
This morning I woke up from another one. In it, I learned my husband had been seeing a woman for a year, and he had even been seeing someone else temporarily while being with her. In this dream I didn't feel upset or angry. My feelings were very calm. I was even very nice to this OW, reassuring her about my husband, and that the relationship with that OW was not serious. I was also letting him know that I wanted him to be free from the marriage to pursue a relationship with her. I very nicely, without any anger, malice or bad feelings, told them both I'd be contacting my lawyer so they could be free to pursue a relationship together. In this dream I also remember explaining to the kids that this was just something daddy needed to do, and everything would be okay. Later in the dream I received a distressed phone call from him about the divorce. But I just felt very calm, knew I was doing what was right and ignored him. Then I woke up!
Sometimes in these dreams I experience pain and sadness, but in this one it was more calm and accepting. These dreams probably don't mean very much. I'm sure it's just me dealing with subconcious feelings. Although I do wonder if they mean more and if they will ever go away...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
More journaling... and sharing a book I recently finished!
When I saw "The Mermaid Chair" I had wanted to read it (I LOVED "The Secret Life of Bees"), but I only recently got the opportunity.
Since I didn't know anything about this book, I was surprised to find out that a central theme in it is MLC and infidelity. The main character goes back home to help her mom and has an affair. Quite honestly, I found the first 2/3rd of the book really annoying. The main character seemed really selfish and silly, and I thought the story didn't hold well together. But there were a couple of passages from the book I wanted to share....
"I felt amazed at the choosing one had to do, over and over, a million times daily-- choosing love, then choosing it again, how loving and being in love could be so different..."
"Each day we pick our way through unfamilar terrain. Hugh and I did not resume our old marriage.... rather we laid it aside and began a whole new one."
There were few other passages that I think most of us here could relate to, but those are just a couple I jotted down and wanted to share.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I worried this might happen.... I'm see old patterns emerge... So even when pieced, maybe not perfectly, DBing continues to be a necessity. One problem. I don't feel as patient. I just can't be a doormat any more. Too much has happened and I grew back into someone I used to know years ago... and I just can't lay down and let myself be stepped on anymore.
I see the cracks and flaws. Sometimes it feels so disappointing. But I always hold on. That's just me.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
((ROOT)) I know. I think it's a forever thing--just like your tag line: There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So old patterns are emerging. What can you do differently to affect the dynamic? DBing doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. There's always another angle.
Hang in there. I know it's exhausting after so long.
I give you an excerpt from the poem Habit by Jane Hirshfield. I struggle with the replacing habits with healthier choices issue as well. It's part of the spiral upward of reinventing ourselves:
Open the traveling suitcase--
There the beloved red sweater, bright tangle of necklace, earrings of amber, Each confirming: I chose these, I.
But habit is different: it chooses. And we, its good horse, opening our mouths at even the sight of the bit.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I love that poem. I'll have to write it in my day planner. Thank you for sharing that. Wise words.
Aud, you are right about doing things differently to change the dynamics. I will think about that.
I know my husband does not try to treat me in a way that sometimes makes me feel like a doormat. I think he's just unaware of how words and reactions can affect other people, and is sometimes a little self-absorbed. The frustrating thing for me is sometimes when I try to share a thought or feeling about something... and I work very hard to make it never sound like I'm blaming him in any way, or criticizing him... he can be extremely sensitive and get very defensive. This is disappointing because I'd like to share my thoughts and feelings, but when he reacts this way, I'm hesitant to do so.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I worried this might happen.... I'm see old patterns emerge... So even when pieced, maybe not perfectly, DBing continues to be a necessity. One problem. I don't feel as patient. I just can't be a doormat any more. Too much has happened and I grew back into someone I used to know years ago... and I just can't lay down and let myself be stepped on anymore.
I see the cracks and flaws. Sometimes it feels so disappointing. But I always hold on. That's just me.
I am going thru this feeling too. Like the dust has settled and they want to go back to old ways and I just recently became haunted again by ugly thougts... MY H had OW too. I cant be a doormat anymore either.
Hang in there love...
I have recently been guilty of trying too hard again like prebomb days and not doing anything for me...
What about you? Are you still GAL?
Or do you think maybe it is old resentments we could never really feel cause they needed their space? I feel a little lost myself lately and just recently things had been better than ever??? I dont get it?
I know exactly what you mean.. just wish I could tell you what to do to make it better. I will be following along if you dont mind,, see what advice you get... So nice to see you on here again just wish you werent feeling this way.
Michelle needs a new book after the divorce is busted.......
I've been having bad dreams lately too. One night I dreamt that my son was dead and the next night I dreamt that my dog ran away from me. But when I woke up my son was fine, and my dog was sleeping on my bed. The dreams bother me, but I just keep telling myself that I am not a seer, and my dreams are not the truth.
I experience the same types of dreams too...I think they're mostly our subconscious cleaning house--sweeping the fear from the dark corners of our minds. They sure can shake me though!
