I get sad sometimes and think of spouse. Then I wonder, why in the heck am I thinking about him? His life isn't part of my life anymore. Who he is isn't who he was to me.
You think of him because who he was, was a part of your life. It's not a bad thing, as long as you don't try to connect it to who he is now, in my opinion.
You keep encouraging me to write, something I run from. Perhaps now that I'm realizing it's my life to do with as I please I'll see the broad horizon rather than my safety blinders.
Our poor pooch is getting older and anxious. She'd tried digging through the backdoor while we were out, destroying part of the door frame. She's seeing the vet on Monday and we're keeping a close watch on her. Something's going on.
Today was lots of errands and more work on the show. I can't believe how many people it takes behind the scenes to make it work and how hard we have to work to make it happen. It's so neat though to listen to all those incredible voices of high school and college kids as they rehearse. These shows are simply amazing.. and HUGE productions!
I have to sit and finish it by today or tomorrow. Get it done and get moving forward. I never thought I'd be in this place in my head. His methodology is working.
After a busy day and evening, I arrived home to find an email from spouse detailing how inappropriate he felt something I did was.
My first thought was.. Not this behavior from him again (me being defensive but now aware of his methods).. followed by.. Better CYA to my lawyer (me defensive again). A very distant thought was to DB the note.. to validate his concerns, assure him there was no ill intent.
Upon reflection that sounds good, though I don't want to interact with him anymore. Protecting myself from him feels right. But is it the best thing to do. I mean, if I'm hiding from him, how has my life changed for the better?
Being able to say.. Hey, I can hear what you're saying (even if I think part of what you're doing is making a mountain out of a molehill), can understand where you're coming from. No problem, I can work with that. That puts things in perspective for me.
Being able to see beyond my own anxieties is a good thing. Learning to communicate during difficult periods is great. And being able to do it without shredding myself is the way to go. If it hurts me, I'm not doing it. If it helps me then it's a go.
It's not about having something to prove. It's about moving forward.
Being able to see beyond my own anxieties is a good thing. Learning to communicate during difficult periods is great. And being able to do it without shredding myself is the way to go. If it hurts me, I'm not doing it. If it helps me then it's a go.
It's my life And it's now or never 'Cause I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just want to live while I'm alive 'Cause it's my life!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
