Thanks Lost! I appreciate your input as someone who is possibly shares my wife's thoughts. There was a time when we first started talking about things that she said she really doesn't consider us married anymore. We only had a "courthouse" marriage so she sees it as little more than a piece of paper. At least that's what she told me back at the end of May.
I am trying to be patient and see what happens. We don't talk about the OM at all anymore. That's one of the ground rules we established. Initially she did say that he makes her happy but that they are very different people. But that they balance each other out. Don't know what that means for their future or not.
I do have a question for everyone on here. My W is going to be in town this next week until Thursday night (that's her b-day). Should I invite her to dinner or lunch earlier on in the week? I'm thinking about doing that but I don't know if I should. I got her a simple card and put together a photo slideshow DVD to her favorite music for her. I'm hoping that will seem very personable and shows her that I still care a lot about her.
Thanks again everyone!
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
Ask her but be ready for her to say no. Treat it like if you were asking a buddy to join you for a beer or something. If she says yes great, if not, no big deal.
M:32 W:29 D:8 D:10 M 6 T 10 bomb 5/20/08 separated 5/22/08 sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1471393&page=5&fpart=1
I do have a question for everyone on here. My W is going to be in town this next week until Thursday night (that's her b-day). Should I invite her to dinner or lunch earlier on in the week? I'm thinking about doing that but I don't know if I should. I got her a simple card and put together a photo slideshow DVD to her favorite music for her. I'm hoping that will seem very personable and shows her that I still care a lot about her.
I have a feeling your W will have other plans. Knowing the stitch as it is, I would advise you not to treat her as you would if she was still in the house with you and not having an affair. If by chance, something was to happen that threw the two of you together.....say, she did drop in to say hello, you could have a simple...none muchy....birthday card....nothing more. Just have it on hand, in case. But, if she doesn't go to you....do not give her anything. I understand that you are trying to show her you care. This is not the route to go at this time. She needs to miss being with you on her birthday. So, don't make it like "old times" if she comes by. If she comes by, just tell her that you had seen the BD cards and thought of her birthday coming up, so you picked it up.....then hand it over. Nothing sappy. Keep it simple and upbeat. No birtday hugs or kisses. If she tries to give you one....you let her, but you pull away first.
Don't act disappointed if she has other plans, etc. But don't call her or anything. Let her lead the way.
I want to talk to you more about your stitch, but it is getting late, so I'll check back later. Stay strong, and show her a strong man.....no puppy dog eyes, following her around like you are love sick. Outshine the other man! But we will talk about that later, okay?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi...thanks so much for the advice. Had a really good day today actually. I went and picked up my son at my MIL where my W is staying as she looks for a job. We had a b-day party to go to and then got home later in the afternoon. That's when my W calls and asks if we would like to come over for dinner. She was making a meal that her grandmother makes. You see, my wife doesn't really cook much at all (she bakes really well) so this was impressive in itself. So we all ate dinner together (W, MIL, FIL, me, and our son). It was a very nice night actually!
Her b-day is this week on Thursday. I was thinking about seeing if she wanted to go to a lunch or dinner this week either Tuesday or Wednesday. Obviously, you think that's a bad idea right? I'm just not sure. I did get a super sappy card a few weeks ago but since then have reconsidered. The other day I got her a simple card saying something about how life isn't about the destination but about the journey. Short and sweet.
I'm trying to do the best that I can. Since I blew up at her last weekend we have had several pleasent times together. Last week, she spent time at our house (I use the term "our" because technically her name is still on the mortgages) on Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and Thursday at lunch. I know she wants to see our son and escape from her mom (who sometimes drives her nuts). I'm not for sure if any of it has to do with spending time with me or not? Tonight after dinner we hung out outside and just watched our son play and talked small talk.
I know I have to take baby steps if I ever have the hope of getting her back in my life. I'm really trying to out-shine this other guy. He's a "chump" from what I know. But he's giving her what I wasn't able to or didn't know that I wasn't I guess. She admitted to me that her and this OM are very different people but that they balance each other out. I wanted to tell her "B.S" but I didn't.
I haven't asked about him or her R with him for quite a while and she hasn't mentioned him. Makes it a bit easier. I really just don't think she knows what she wants. She didn't get to experience her early 20's because she got married and had a child so soon. So I understand her need for independence right now. I just hope that she can somehow realize how important our family is and that I would be more than willing to grant her some independence if it meant saving our marriage and holding our family together!
Thanks again for the words of support. Look forard to talking with you soon!
Rodney
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
Hi Rodney, I can't remember you saying anything abour reading the DR book yet. Have you? It is so important that you get the Divorce Remedy Book by Michelle. You are going to do all the wrong things and really screw up your chances of your wife coming back home.
Quote:
In the mean time, I guess I have to apologize and try and make it up to her. I don't know what that will look like or what I will do but I have to try.
Why do you have to apologize? She is sleeping with another man! What were you going to apologzie for? The fact that she chose to be with other man rather than be a mother to her son? Rodney, sweetie, you really do need our help. It is very important that you try to do what we suggest to you, okay?
First, you must not show any signs of weakness to her. Okay, so you had a quarrel in front of the child......it is over. You didn't do anymore than what she did.....so don't bring it up again. You can't do anything that shows that you are trying to cling to her or that you are "needy" b/c this turns a WAW completely off about her H. Be strong like an alpha male. That does not mean to act like a bully or be abusive in any way. If you are not sure about all that, then I suggest you read the What Makes her Happy on the Internet. You receive free email letters and it will be an eye opener for you about women and what they want.
Okay, you went over to in-laws for dinner, but next time if/when she invites you to anything, you need to be unavailable. You need to get a life without her in it. She needs to see you becoming more of an interesting person. Don't sit by the phone hoping she is going to call. Don't call her and don't send emails or TM. Don't use your son as an excuse to contact her. This is a common mistake couples with small children make. Don't try to force her to be a mother to her son. Don't lay guilt trips on her about not being with him enough, etc. Do start documenting everytime she does not take him on the days she is suppose to. Don't tell her what you are doing, but this is to protect you in case you should need it later.
Rodney, she needs to miss you and you are not allowing her to do that b/c she is either at your house or she is asking you to go over there. But when she has a chance to see OM, that is where she will be! Don't let her use you like that. Have other plans if she calls and wants to come over. You don't lie to her, but if she asks about your plans, just be a little mysterous about it. That helps to add interest for her about you. When she calls, "act as if" you are in a hurry and have something you have to do so you can say good-bye first. Never hang on waiting to see if she will say something more. If she emails or TM, don't respond for a while. That shows her that you are not hanging by a thread waiting for her to give you the time of day. Fill your time up with other things. Mostly you will be giving your attention to your son. But on the days she has him, make it your business to be all spruced up and looking like you have somewhere special to go. In fact, look that way everytime she sees you. Is she asks about it......just act aloof with your short answers....as though you were kind of putting her off. But, don't be rude. Change the subject quickly. You can always tell her, "......hummmm, just driving around", or tell her you are going to see a friend (if that is the truth)but don't try to make her jealous by making her think it is a woman friend. That is not good. Go walk around the mall, or whatever. Don't lie and don't try to make her jealous. When she ask what friend, just look at her and smile and change the subject. It is none of her business what you are doing to get a life. But, she will be curious as to what you are doing. You may even tell her that you thought it was time that you got a life. But don't tell her one bit more! Don't tell her that you are working on being a better man or anything like that. BTW, going to the gym and working out is a great way to get rid of some frustrations and also get a great body at the same time. She is not to know about any of that. She is not to know about anything you do anymore. It is none of her business. If your phone has an ID, don't answer it if you see her calling. Call back in an hour or two to see if it is anything important. Be ready with an "aloof answer" when she asks what you were doing, etc. If you have an answering maching on the phone......do the same thing. You are never to be rude with your aloof answers, but be prepared with something if it is no more than tinkering around the yard, or going somewhere with the son.
The sooner you start to detach emotionally from your W....the better. You think this is the opposite from what you need to be doing, but trust me, it is what you have got to do quickly. She needs space away from you. She needs time away from you. While she is away from you, you take a good long look at the man you have become and see what you need to do to be the best man you can be....then start to work on those changes.
Never do anything that shows you pursuing her. Don't talk about the R or anything that would make her feel guilt or put pressure on her. You are hurting your own chances each time this happens. Your whole purpose is to "draw her back to you" and you do this by becoming attractive in your behavior, attitude, unavailability, being interesting by getting a life, taking pride in your appearance, acting as if you are going to be fine with or without her in your life, keeping an upbeat attitude and acting as if you enjoy everything you do, and most of all.....by giving her very, very little of your time and attention. Women want what they can't have. If she thinks you are not very interested in her or you don't have time for her........it will draw her closer to you. When you pull back.....it will draw her closer. If you pursue her.....she will back away. Remember that rule! Don't buy her gifts or treat anniversaries, etc., like you did when she was living with you. You and she are S and that is how you need to treat the stitch. Don't chase after her and she will eventually start to pursue you. Don't spy on her or ask friends and family about her or what she is doing.
Again, Rodney, you never tell her what you are doing. This is your game plan and you don't give it to her. Do you have the DR book by Michelle? Are you reading other threads on the board?
If or when she talks to you, look in her eyes and show interest. But, don't give her sad, puppy dog looks. Don't follow her around if she does come by the house. When she talk about her feelings, validate them and if you don't agree and they are not what she should be feeling, then say that you are sorry she feels that way, but don't get into an argument with her. If you don't know what to say when you need to validate her feelings....then just nod your head.....but look at her so she will know you are really listening to her.
Okay, set up some personal goals you want to work toward. These goals are not to be about her. Don't have anything about her in your goals....make them about you. Then tell us what they are. Make some long term goals and then the short term as to how you will reach those goals.
I will be anxious to hear from you again. Please keep posting. You can come here to pour out your feelings instead of to her. It is important that you keep coming back. Sometimes you may just want to "journal" how you feel or what has happen that day. When you do.....say in the beginning, "I am journaling", so we will know that you are not asking for advice, but just talking about how you feel, etc.
Take care of yourself by eating a good diet and exercising. Get plenty of sleep....even if you have to take some over the counter sleep aids to help. You don't want anything to knock you out--due to the baby being there with you. But it is important to get enough sleep and it's hard when one is going through this stuff.
Talk to you later. Try to have a positive day as best you can.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi and all....thanks so much for your advice and thoughts. A couple questions to start; first, is the DB book any different that the DR book? I'm almost done with DB and I have really gained some important insight from it. Should I get the DR book also? Second question, what signs are there that things between a WAW and a LBS might be improving?
I know what I'm about to say isn't going to make you all think that I'm really trying the DB techniques. But I am, but I also feel like I'm modifying them to meet my situation. The biggest thing that I think you need to know is that my S is absolutely the light of my life. And I believe it's important for him to spend time with both me and my W as much as possible. I know this might go against DB principles, but for me it's important.
That's why when she invited us over for dinner to her parents house on Sunday night I accepted. It was a good night, dinner was awesome (I complimented her on it...she doesn't cook much), and we shared several real, genuine laughs. That hadn't happened recently.
Tuesday she came over to go to lunch with us as a b-day treat for her. Sandi, I knew you said to leave her alone as far as b-day stuff, but she still needs to know I care. Her chief complaint in our M was that I ignored her once our son was born.
We were just sitting around talking about things and then she asked if my actions the past week and a half had alterative motives. I guess her and her mom had been talking about why I was being so nice, upbeat, and positive and inviting her to do stuff. I told her that I knew she liked to spend time with our S. I also told her that I was trying to do what was right by me, our S, and her. So I guess I told the truth, just not the whole truth.
She did ask if all my actions were an attempt to "woo" her to which I didn't respond at all. She said she was concerned because I still wear my wedding ring and then next to my bed I have a picture of her and I from our first anniversary (right before our S was born). I didn't respond to this either. Just changed the subject. Looking at those 2 things, the old saying that "actions speak louder than words" rings true. I'm going to keep the ring on!
The best thing that came out of the conversation was that she said she was happier with our relationship the past week and a half than she had been in a long time. She said she enjoyed spending time with me and our S but just as friends. I just nodded and said I also enjoyed spending time with her.
As hard as it was, I didn't ask any questions, make very many comments, just let her talk. Which for her, is a big step. In the past, I've always been the one to initiate the R talks.
I did give her the photo-slideshow DVD that I put together for her b-day yesterday. She was curious about what it was so I volunteered my DVD player for her to watch it. She had a big smile on her face as she watched it, lauged some, and I even caught a tear in her eye a time or two! She thanked me a lot for it!
I know that in the past I was very pushy, very clingy, and called/e-mailed too much. In the past month, I have avoided calling her unless she called me. Now I'm working on the text messaging (her prefered mode of communication). I know that her spending time with me and our son might not be exactly what I need to do, but as I said, I think it's important for our S.
In the mean-time, I did develop a plan. I actually developed it several weeks ago and I'm trying to stick to it. I've typed it out below. #1: Eat good (3 square healthy meals a day) #2: Workout at least 1 time per day (run, bike, lift, hike) #3: Spend quality time with my S everyday (or at least most days) #4: Take care of the house. Keep it clean.
On a related note, the past few times I have seen my wife I have been "dressed" up (for me that means a polo and a nice pair of pants/shorts because most of the summer I'm in shorts and a t-shirt as I'm a teacher/coach). She hasn't mentioned it yet, but I know it has to have caught her eye.
I am also looking into a Master's degree program. And tonight I'm trying Rugby for the first time. A buddy of mine plays and invited me. I told the W about this yesterday and she said "no offense, but you are going to get killed." That sealed the deal and was all the motivation I need to go and play!
I would appreciate any input that you all have on my situation! Thanks!
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
Little bit of an update for everyone. I spent the evening with a friend playing some rugby. It was my first time but he had been playing for years. He invited me but I was on the fence until yesterday. The W said I would get my "trash kicked" if I played. So of course I wanted to go and prove her wrong!
When I got back to my friends car I checked my phone and had 1 text message, 7 missed calls, and 2 voice mails. All from the W. She said that she had tried to call my cell, the house, and even drove by the house to see if I was okay. She said it was because I normally call or text to check on our son once a day and today I hadn't. When I talked to her I told her I had a busy day. Which was true.
I don't know what kind of sign this is and I didn't ask her why she called so much or was checking on me. It's a total reversal from what was going on during June when I was calling too much. I do know that if I did that to her now, she would probably flip out. Like my buddy said, "different rules for different people"!
Anyone else out there have any thoughts on this sitch?
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
