Well everyone, Im done. I am done waiting, trying, crying, begging, wishing, and hurting. Mostly Im done trying to search for some way to blame myself for him having an affair. I have had a chance to start healing since April, but I wanted so badly to preserve what I had. Now I realize that I can have so much more.
When my husband came home and told me that he had started seeing someone I was devestated. Really, my husband (dont worry, we all thought he was a good man), the man who I had promised to love, honor, cherish, had decided he was done before I even had a chance to know that things werent right. Dont get me wrong, I love him, and will for a long, long time, probably just about as long as Ill miss him. He was my best friend, he said I was his too, but you dont do this to friends, and Im out of patience I suppose...
So, this brings me to today. I went to the ship yesterday and said things that I have needed to say since he pulled the world out from under me. As I left I realized that I really didnt mean some of them anymore. I realized that Im done coming second to someone who is willing to steal another womans life. Im not second to that kind of person, I am so much better than that! Im finished trying to work with someone who has suddenly chosen to be miserable. Mostly, I found myself not really wanting to forgive him. I know that hes going to be going through this for a long time, and I know that I tried to save my marriage. It was the most important thing in my life, and I WAS willing to do anything for it. Now, Im letting it go, its just too much, and I feel so releived! I really liked being married, and I really really liked him, but I dont want to feel like this anymore. Im ready to be with someone who can make me feel special, or just get back to feeling special on my own, that might be more important.
It was just really important for me to know that I tried, really tried. I tried everything I could for as long as I could, now I dont have to wonder what if I had just done... I will still dream about him, but Im done waiting for him to walk back through the door.
Life is good, and I deserve so much more than this. Maybe it was learning to ride a motorcycle, its kind of like flying. I have found out so much about the people who love me over the last few months, and I couldnt have gone through this without them.
The sun is shining, Im getting ready to go out on a boat and get some crab for dinner, and Im okay.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
We all know how much pain we are enduring and it's not fair. I know that you get the rejoice ministry emails from reading your threads. You know that anything is possible with God. Can you reaffirm your faith in God. God wants you to stand for your marriage, but I know everyday is hard when we aren't seeing any progress. Everyday we wait, and think dang this is tough and it is. We think a million questions and keep wondering why, what is going on, when are things going to change. We are all learning lessons on our side of the mountain, we just don't know what God is doing on the other side of our mountain. God wants to restore your marriage against all odds and circumstances, but you have to hang in there. I would really encourage you to read the bible and pray a lot. Yes your H doesn't know what he is doing but don't give up, you love him, unconditional love. The constant attacks from Satan is normal and usually more than any of us care to handle, it does get very old, demoralizing, and discouraging. God wants you to stay strong, keep your faith in him and be patient. Trust me we all are very tired of waiting for our miracle, but there are a lot of people on here in the same position still trying out of uncondional love.
Sooners, I do love him, if he came home tomorrow I would still try, right now I can say that even in a few months I would still try. Even after all of this, I love him more than he will ever know. But I cant keep feeling like this. I will forever be thankful for the good time that I had with him, but its up to him now. I cant keep waiting to heal from this. I have to start now to get a move on with my life, I beleive thats what God wants. I do know that anything is possible with God, including me finding myself and my happiness. Im not ready to file, and Im not ready start dating, but Im not going to keep feeling like this, expecting him to come around. I think that I have forgiven him, for a large part of what happened, maybe not all of it, certainly not all of it, but I dont want to carry anger around with me. There isnt time to feel like this anymore, Ive been told to not be surprised if he calls in a few months wanting to reconcile, but Im not holding my breath anymore.
H was here today. I dont know what he came out to do, or get, I dont really want to. I texted him and asked him to please let me know when hes going to come out here, I said it makes me uncomfortable to know that someones been in my house. He said that he thought about letting me know, but he didnt. I said its ok, but maybe next time, Ok? He said ok, but so far he hasnt respected anything else Ive said, so Im not sure what to expect.
I have classes starting again in 4 weeks, Im signed up for 17 credits, Im probably going to have to drop some classes, but probably just 1. I wont be able to work enough to pay the mortgage and go to school full time, even if I could, I dont think I could handle it! I have to get back in shape to stay on my path to my future. Hes taken so much from me already, I wont let him have that.
I know that there are some feet under me somewhere, its time to find them.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I will not die an unlived life. I will not go in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, To make me less afraid, More accessible, To loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance. To live. So that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom Goes on as fruit.
I love this poem, I dont know what its called, but I really enjoy it, so here you go everyone.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
bluerain (and Mark) ~ where you are sounds like a wonderful place to be, and I think you've found 'letting go'. Doesn't mean you no longer love your partner, just that you choose not to let his actions hurt you anymore.
Not having children gives you so much freedom in this situation, to think about what you really want and to realize how great you really are, certainly not second to some man-stealing bag of insecurities and justifications, as you said. I can't imagine what makes any of this okay in someone else's head.
Take your chance - fly! Your H may come back one day, but unless you have a crystal ball, you have no idea what's going to happen and the best you can do is live a life that makes sense to you.
Good luck with school - it's a blast returning to studying as an adult.
For me the best DBing occurred after I was "done."
And just because I didn't date, or was the one to file, doesn't mean I wasn't "done." It just meant I wasn't interested in, or ready to date. Also, I didn't want to be responsible in any way for the D. I just didn't want any of that on my conscience.
I figured I wanted to look back and say, "Hey, I did my best. I let him figure out what he wanted... I left the door slightly open... I didn't try to pull him through, he was able to make his own choice, he didn't walk through... oh well... I did my best, learned a lot worked on healing and hopefully I'll be a better person in any future relationship."
I knew I had no desire for a rebound relationship, and I didn't want to put the burden of my healing on anyone else. There's time in the future....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Honestly, one of the only reasons I have for not wanting the D anymore is that I dont want it to be ok for them to be together. I dont want to be with someone who treats me as poorly as he does anymore, theres really no excuse, Im tired of being disrespected and lied to. I saw someone said that the best revenge for a woman who steals another womans H is to let her have him.
But I am doing some stellar DBing, I dropped the rope, havent communicated with him at all (and dont really want to!), GALing, Ive become a much more exciting, interesting person, I guess I can thank him for that. Im not sure that I consider it DBing anymore, I am much to good for him, if he claims that he wants to come home hes going to have to work really hard at it. I really can do better than the lying sack of sh*t he has chosen to become, and I would like to settle in and just get to being ok on my own, I am feeling more independent than ever, and I LIKE it!
I am really excited about my life now, I said that I was determined to be ok with or without him, but I didnt mean it until now. I have a bright future, hes really going to be missing out. I was thinking earlier about how much baggage they are going to be bringing into their relationship. Sounds fun doesnt it? They will have a really hard time trusting eachother, I have absolutely no faith that they will "make it". I am submitting my application to the Alaska State Troopers, as a Wildlife Trooper. Its something that I have thought about in the past, but following H's military career around it was sort of impossible to do a lot of things. It should mesh pretty well with my job now, and I am totally qualified as far as education goes, Im a federal employee with Fish and Wildlife right now, so I think that that will be in my favor. I will have to do some physical training, I hike for work 5 days a week, but theres push-up and running requirements, ick... running, they dont make exceptions for women either in the push-ups, so I will have to work really hard.
I certainly do think that I have learned how to be a better wife, in good times too, not just when things go bad. And I have learned about my determination, and how to let go when its necessary (Im pretty darn stubborn). I can look back and know that I really did try, but I wont let him have my dignity, hes toasting his own, I wont let him take me down with him. I have nothing to be ashamed of through this, and I know that he is going to struggle with his actions for quite some time.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
