Okay, I haven't checked-in in a few days, but a lot has happened.
Quick review, I took a week's vacation to stay home and watch the kids last week, while she went up north for a "head clearing" vacation. One where she could "get away from [me], the OOG...everything".
So she comes back from vacation [Saturday], feeling great. Very upbeat. I was happy for her. She was thankful to me for helping her take the week off.
The next day [Sunday], her mood was waning, but she was still feeling good. I went for a run in the morning, then took the kids to my parents for the afternoon and returned in the evening. She was still in an okay mood.
Monday, I went to work. She had a therapy session that night and was going to drop the kids off at her parents. I was supposed to go straight home after work, but decided to go see the kids and her before going home. I was in a pretty angry mood and she could tell. But we talked for a little bit and she went to her session and I went home. After she got home, I apologized for my behavior and we had a good long talk. I got the feeling she was coming round a bit.
Tuesday, I went to work. As an network administrator, I spend a lot of time on the Internet. I've been online for a long time and I've seen just about everything. I was still angry this particular morning and I remembered that during the chat that I caught her in, she had gone to photobucket.com. So I went fishing there and found her photobucket account....under her maiden name (nice touch).
It wasn't password protected and was viewable by anyone on the internet, but the site was definitely intended for the OOG to share photos with. There were tons of 'regualar' photos and videos and quite a few of his. I found a couple of videos from her, in the nude, that she'd taken in our bed, for him. She had many of his videos on there...one of him pleasuring himself (that one was a keeper).
So, I wasn't surprised when I saw this, but I sure was with what I found when I looked closer. While she was on vacation up north, supposedly clearing her head, she had taken some provocative photos of herself. They were posted on the site and timestamped during the time she was up there. Boy I feel like a doormat.
Later that day, she had a Pysch eval so I agreed to take off work and watch the kids. She could tell something was bothering me, but I didn't want to talk about it yet. She kept prying and prying until I finally gave in. I told her everything I found and of course broke down.
She went off to her session and I took off into town (had a nice talk with her mom). I returned after she'd come back and we sat and talked for a couple hours. The Psychiatrist was pretty blunt apparently and told her that this EA had to end. Now, W is pushing for MC. She doesn't want our marriage to end over something "stupid". (It sure doesn't feel stupid to me.) She said that she is going to end the EA, but "doesn't know how". I can understand the strong feelings she has and I'm being as patient and understanding as I can. This EA didn't jut happen. It happened because she felt she was missing something in her life that this EA fulfilled. That she was feeling unloved and unwanted, opened the door for the EA. That doesn't excuse her choice though. I've often missed that feeling, but I've always remained committed. I've never strayed even though I've had temptations.
My trust in her commitment was already gone but I still had my trust in her word. Now that is gone too. I'm halfway out the door, my marriage is hanging by a thread, but I'm not giving up on her. As much as I'm hurting, she still needs my support.
Today (Wednesday), I called and told her that I have an MC appt arranged for Thursday. On the phone she told me that she was in the middle of writing the OOG to let him know what's going on. I don't trust that she's telling the truth, but I have to believe this for now.
So, bottom line is that I've had to hit her over the head 4 times with a club to make her see that this EA is destroying our family. That I'm not sure if I want this to work anymore and that it's over unless she can end the EA.
More to post later.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
We have our second MC tomorrow. It'll be a busy day. I have three appointments in the morning with attorneys, an afternoon appt with my shrink, she has a 5:45 appt with her therapist, then we have our MC at 6:30.
I think this may be the last MC. She's prolly going to end it there but I dunno. I don't care anymore. Too much drama...want a woman who isn't so mental.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
BTW, she has cancelled her myspace and photobucket accounts. She says that she no longer e-mails him, but I have now way to prove that.
For now, I'm Mr. Positive...happy and upbeat. Maybe it'll have some impact on her...at the very least I hope it speeds up the process. It's been 2 months since this began for me and as most of you in this situation can agree, I don't know how much more I can take. Just want to get on with my life now.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
It's been 7 days since my last update. She has indeed stopped contacting the OOG.
She still hasn't recommitted and isn't coming around much, but baby steps are being taken.
Last Sat night, she gave me an pretty lengthy apology. "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused. Sorry I never accepted you for who you are. Sorry I never let you "in" all the way. I've discovered that my view of love is an adolescent one." At this point, I'm pretty numb. I just said "Thank you, that was nice of you to say.". I had no emotion in my response...I truly am numb about this. I said I didn't know what to say.
She's also searching the Internet for "emotional abuse" under the guise that my behavior...my emotional outbursts...constitute abuse or emotional blackmail. For some reason, I always thought that being cheated on was pretty abusive. I think she has an unrealistic view of herself in the universe and has narcissistic tendancies.
Yesterday, she went to her therapy (individual) session and I dropped by her parents house to pick up the dogs and take them home. So since my last update, I've been very upbeat and positive...happy and supportive. No pressure and no talk of OR. I went to leave and gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek. I said, "Have a good session...I'll see you at home!". As I was getting in the car she grabbed my arm and gave me a kiss on the lips...nothing hot and heavy...just a kiss. So I'm confused...
As this process has gone on, I'm starting to wonder if I wouldn't be happier with someone else? She may or may not want to come back to me, but now I'm climbing on the fence. Out of curiosity, I've searched on some singles and social networking sites. The feedback I've gotten has been way more than I expected. There are so many beautiful sexy loving women out there, I can really see that if my wife does leave...I'll have no problem moving on. I'll be hurt and it'll take time to get over her, but as they say, the best way to get over someone is to find a new someone....Just reconnecting with other women, truthfully and openly, has shown me that I deserve more than I have had from my wife. I deserve a whole person to be my partner, not a narcissistic partial personality. I deserve better.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
Well it's been another 7 days since my last update.
W and I had a MC session last Wednesday (have one tonight too). The beginning of the session went pretty well I guess. We had to use adjectives to describe our mother, father, spouse, and ourselves. After that, the session kinda went downhill for me.
I understand my part in the WAW and EA and have taken responsibility for it. She however continues to frame her actions by making me out to be the cause...the 'bad guy'. That if "I" were only different, she wouldn't have done any of this. She's doing the bare minimum to show remorse for her actions.
At that point, my anger started to swell and I couldn't handle much more of the self-serving crap coming out of her mouth. I'm not usually an angry person, but I'm tired of being treated like a doormat. She likes to say that this has been a 'long process' for her and that my pulling away long ago is the root problem. I tend to see it differently of course. I understand her perspective, but also know that I'm a different person and we all express love differently...I just didn't show her enough love in the way that she wanted. And of course, I never told her throughout our marriage that I didn't love her. In fact, I told her quite often that I loved her. I never say "I love you" lightly...I always mean it.
I left the MC steaming mad and had to go cool down before going home. The next day, she said she thought the session went well.
Here comes the fun part. After putting my foot down about the EA a couple weeks ago, I asked her just the other day whether she's had any contact with him. She said, "Well I called him once" and "I have a secret e-mail account, but I don't use it". So she's still lying to me. I can appreciate the difficulty of severing a relationship that "seems" so strong, but in reality is pure limerance (google it). She will not end it completely and is putting me in a corner.
How many times should I keep putting up with this BS?
She doesn't realize the slippery slope she's on. I'm looking at two options here: stay with her and work it out, or D and move on. I love her a lot, but I don't feel that romantic love...I guess it's an ILYBNILY kinda thing, but I know that the loving feeling you get with a mature relationship can come back and I'm willing to stick with it to find out.
On the other hand, I'm keenly aware of my prospects with other women. Add to this that my W has helped put our family in serious debt despite all of my efforts to the contrary (she's never taken part in money management and resents that I ask her to follow a budget). I'm looking at significant freedom and an increase in disposable income if we D.
So there it is. She may come around and walk back to the M, but it may be too late. I have come to realize that my needs from the M are not being met and I may become the WAS. Heaven help us.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
Wow!! First I would stop looking on dating sites. You are not there yet. Secondly is there something that the 2 of you could do now that might help things rather than the he did/she did business.(I know that needs to be addressed but right now you need some positive actions).
Does she know that you are willing to end the marriage right now if the EA doesn't stop? If there is any wavering, that might just get her to realize how precarious her position is.
Just some ideas. hope they help.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yeah...I'm not all over the dating sites, I just visited once to check it out...enough to satisfy my curiosity.
I don't think she knows how precarious her position is. I'm so sick of attempting to reconnect just to be rebuffed. She's only doing the bare minimum to move forward and now I'm starting to question whether SHE can be the one I want. I will not settle for the W I knew, I deserver better.
This experience has been cathartic for me...a watershed moment if you will and has forever changed my relationship with my wife and my outlook on the world. I don't know where she and I will eventually end up, but I know that I will be okay in any event.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
