I have not posted for a while. H is back home. We have had good times and bad.We have not spoken about the affair or our relationship since he has been back. I tried to bring it up and he got defensive. He was working on vintage bicycles and doing a good job and I took a genuine interest.We have been working together and going on occassional bike rides together too. He threw himself into the hobby and then all of the sudden said "I don't even care about it any more." He said he is depressed and that he hates everyone and that everyone "settles" in life.I tried to just listen and not take any of it personal but it really felt like he wanted me to. I suggested he might be bipolar he said don't EVER suggest it again. I still think this.He has been very impatient with me and yelling at me a lot and I have not been just taking it like usual. Right after he yells at me he will kiss me or reach out and grab me and show affection. It makes me feel like I am losing it. I don't want him to never tell me how he feels but how do I not take any of it personal. He has been acting like this since he went out with the guys one night which makes me suspicious on top of everything. I don't want to lose him but I really don't feel as if he appreciates all that I am doing and how much I love and care for him. How do I know if/when I should give up?
M-33 H-31 D-13 Bomb 2/29/08 H out 2/29/08 H back in 5/08
Mojones, I hate to say this to you because I know it is painful. But you H is showing a lot of the same signs mine did when he got back into the affair with OW. Like your husband, mine came home and didn't want to talk about the affair at all (big red flag there). He threw himself back into painting and his artwork. I thought that was a very positive thing. Then suddenly one day he is done with the art and just sat in his chair hating everything and everyone. Shortly after that he was "going out" a little bit more and more. And sure enough OW was back.
The first thing you need to do is figure out if OW really is in the picture. You H could just be going through withdrawl and depression over the whole affair business.
Only you know if/when you should give up. I had my breaking point when I knew it was time to throw in the towel. But each sitch is different and each person is different. You have no need to give up now. Right now it is time to keep working. What are you doing to GAL? What are you doing to have a PMA? Focus on those things even though you really don't want to.
I will keep checking in on you, Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Just reading what you said, I would guess that that night he went out with his "friends", he saw the OW. WHen you got back together, what did you do to start repairing? Did you go to counseling, books, etc., anything?
If you go back to the way it was, nothing will change. He feels like he is doomed in this bad relationship. You need to show him that you don't want him to come back to a bad relationship. You want him to come back to a happy one, and that you BOTH will need to make that happen.
Just going day to day will not make that happen. Even just listening and "taking it" will not make that happen.
Just reading what you said, I would guess that that night he went out with his "friends", he saw the OW. WHen you got back together, what did you do to start repairing? Did you go to counseling, books, etc., anything?
If you go back to the way it was, nothing will change. He feels like he is doomed in this bad relationship. You need to show him that you don't want him to come back to a bad relationship. You want him to come back to a happy one, and that you BOTH will need to make that happen.
Just going day to day will not make that happen. Even just listening and "taking it" will not make that happen.
I read everyone's feedback. Thank you for responding. It has been a tough day.First off, what I changed when he got back was to give more compliments, be supportive, more intimate. we started going out and having fun together..flea marketing, going for long rides, visiting friends and then he crashed. to answer Pup's question...I don't know how to know for sure if he is seeing someone.I actually don't feel like it is the OW but suspisious that it may be someone new. As far as GALing, I have been going off and doing things alone in small increments and I did not do that before.
Today he had to be brought to the hospital for heart issues. I realized that I really mother him sometimes. I am going to work on that too.
For those who say do not give up...what advice do you have about dealing with this.I am so afraid to keep giving and have him do this again. I have been giving ALOT to this but I don't want to give any more if he can do this to me again.
For those who say it may be time to give up...considering we are on the DB website I assumed that you meant give up but still DB?
I really am trying...I get to the point where I am mad or I can't stop thinking about the A and I turn my thoughts into something positive. Not always easy. When he does not reciprocate or acts as if he resents me then I just want to withdraw..but I never do. He does not want to go to counseling. Sara-how did you know he was with the OW? How did you handle it?
M-33 H-31 D-13 Bomb 2/29/08 H out 2/29/08 H back in 5/08
I actually thought the whole time that he was with a new OW. I really thought that the first OW was out of the picture. But I was wrong. H started going "out" and staying out late with "friends" more and more frequently. At first it was one night on a weekend and then a few weeks later with was two weekend nights. At first I was trying to be alright with it. Not questioning him where he was going, trying to trust him. But when it got to be 3-4 nights a week he was gone until 1-2 a.m, I had it. I told him that if he is going to stay out all night like that, he could no longer stay in the house with me.
After leaving for about week he came back and told me he was with the first (and only) OW the whole time and he had decided he wanted to be with her.
I am sure that was not the outcome you wanted to hear. But that is what happened to me. I knew he was with some OW because I snooped around a little. I found a receipt for flowers that were purchased and some other subtle signs.
With your H, it is a concern to me that he has dropped his hobby. Have you talked to him about that?
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
When I asked him about his hobby he said that he is "not allowed to have a hobby." I had been very supportive so I asked him what he meant by that.He said that he falls out of love with everything fast. He has made so many comments that indicate that something is going on inside HIM but he implies that he still holds me responsible. I think he feels his depression comes from the relationship and the weight of the R and the affair but he has struggled with depression for quite some time....refuses help though. Says that he was told he doesn't need it.He has charmed two therapists and doesn't stick with it long enough to get into what is going on with him. He has only gone out 2 times since being home in May. That is actually good for him. Both times he was home by 11:00 however one time I was out of town which obviously makes me nervous.He has stopped ALL communication on his cell and internet with anyone outside of work which also makes me suspicious because he used another phone to have the A.I keep my eyes open for signs of another phone, receipts exct. I looked in his wallet on a hunch a few weeks ago and found a number. I called it and a woman answered.The number was registered to Kentucky and we live in Mass...I did not confront him because I snooped and was torn by whether or not I should have done it. Instead I ripped the phone number up thinking..What is he going to do ask me if I took it?! This may be the reason for the grouchiness..he may have realized that it is gone? All of this seems obvious but like you said...I am trying to stay positive and give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume..you know the drill. Not turning my head to it but not jumping to conclusions either. Pup, thanks for clarifying about letting go instead of giving up...what does that look like when your spouse lives with you? It is hard. Especially with his depression. I am trying to be supportive out of concern. It is even harder because he does not have the same concern over me and I am not good some days either.I just know rationally that I have to soldier on.
M-33 H-31 D-13 Bomb 2/29/08 H out 2/29/08 H back in 5/08
Pup, thanks for clarifying about letting go instead of giving up...what does that look like when your spouse lives with you? It is hard. Especially with his depression. I am trying to be supportive out of concern. It is even harder because he does not have the same concern over me and I am not good some days either.I just know rationally that I have to soldier on.
What it looks like is you treat him like a good roommate. Civil. Respectful. But you stop "working" at the relationship, and you mentally and emotionally move on.
