3 Yrs with H in MLC - Feeling Powerless Now

[Sanderika]

Hi all...
My H has been in a MLC for 3 years (anniv. date is 8/16/08).

I have just found this site within the past month. I have just started reading DR. I feel this book is better suited for those marriages where the spouses are still together or newly separated.

I had my 1st DB Coach session last Wed. 7/9/08. Jody was helpful but wants me to turn my H down when he initiates sex. I did that before he left me in 8/05. I won't do it again, If I turn him down that will prove to my H I have not changed at all and I have changed drastically.

I would like you to please read my previous posts, I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF ADVICE.

I know my H is still with the OW he left me for. He loves her and not me. He does ML (or has sex) with me approx. 3-4 times a month. OW supposedly does not know he is still having sex with me. My H supports me financially. My H only contacts me approx. 1-2 times every two weeks. I do not call my H very often anymore (not even to speak of S or to speak business unless the reason is dire).

My H lives at our company. He does frequent the OW every chance he gets. I don't. think I have what it takes to get him back. My friends are telling me to D him and now. My friends tell me that H will never be back. They also tell me that H would be here if he loved me and if he wanted to be here.

MY H HAS BEEN GONE 3 YEARS...I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

Please read my posts...My story is maybe like others but it has a lot of unique parts to it. I feel my H has taken more steps to break away than he has taken to reconcile. I do realize my H gets his advice from the OW. I do think she has a leash on him in every situation. My H usually is not a controllable man, but she has managed to control him, no question.

AGAIN, PLEASE READ MY POSTS...I NEED HELP FAST. I AM LOSING!!!!

Thank you all in advance of your time with me....

Sanderika

[forward]

I agree w/DB C. You need to turn him down.

It is an important boundary. Probably DB C can give good advice on how to approach.

[Sanderika]

Thank you breton39,

I will lose him for sure if I do that...I really am having a hard time with this concept.

The OW has a firm grip on him now...She is so different from me.
I really feel the sex is all we have left now. I don't want to turn him down because I love to be with him too.

I guess I am just spinning my wheels hanging on......

Thank you.

[momof2girls]

I agree with the DB coach...you need to turn him down. You are at his disposal right now...he is cake-eating! You are getting hurt because when you ML I am sure your emotions run wild.

Please respect yourself and do not give into his need. Maybe when he realizes you are strong enough to turn him away he will begin to realize what he is missing.

[forward]

"I will lose him for sure if I do that"

Hmm. in the situation you are in, he does not give you respect, so what do you have to lose? It will be a 180 for you.

He will start to get the message that you're an independent woman who plans to move forward. You need to make changes, too.

"She is so different from me."

How so?

[peacetoday]

I agree with the others..turn him down
we need to be willing to really let go
maybe you are hanging on to the sex to avoid finishing the grieving process
it isnt real as you have already lost him anyway
maybe he will return
It is difficult at standing for your M
as time goes on, we get stronger
we know we can move on with our lives
I stopped iniating conversations with my H
that was the only connection we had
I thought that would be the end
he is still in the same spot anyway
I have moved away
If something isnt working, we need to try something else
see how you feel if you say no, maybe more empowered
peace

[ACJ]

I agree with everyone else. My own separation started out just like this. It was me who initiated but that was b/c one of my Hs complaints was that I never did so even though I didn't know about 180s at the time this is what it was.

Then came the crunch. He turned me down.I have never been so humiliated in all my life. Yes it was a turning point for our R. We now don't have one at all. It has taken over 2 years to get to that point but here I am. As of yesterday my H is not even supporting our family financially I am doing this totally alone.

So I guess what I'm saying is that this may end up being a double whammy (as in my case)

but

the one thing I have retained is my self respect and that is so very important.

[Sanderika]

Good Morning breton39,

My H OW is 5'10" Very Muscular, weight probably 180 lbs. Bleach Blonde Hair, Several Very Large Tattoos, Fake DD B**bs. Will show 'em to everyone. She is an extreme extrovert, Drives own H-D Motorcycle. Has to be front and center and the life of the party. Party Girl, can really hold her liquor. Is very loud when she speaks.

ME: 5'2" 110 lbs. VERY Petite, Long brown hair and green eyes, I do not have a tattoo. I am middle of the road, neither an extrovert or an introvert. I am smart, responsible, kind & loving. I know how to have fun but I am not the life of the party. I like to go to large events with lots of people and likewise I like more intimate settings with just a couple of friends. I do not drive my own motorcycle but I do love to ride. I can drive a dirt bike.

My H seems to be riding off into the sunset with this OW and I feel powerless to stop it. Our contact is getting less and less as times goes on.

He is definately aware that I am working on GAL. He knows I have been to a NASCAR race this past month and that I went camping this month. Both things that seemed to spark his attention. The attention seemed to create negative and positive reactions in him.

For example when he heard I went to a NASCAR race, he cut off all contact with me for 14 days. AND about the camping: when he heard I was going away for the weekend, he wanted to know what I was going to do, where I was going to be and who I was going with. I did answer all his questions. Probably should have been more aloof here but wasn't.

I never know what to do around him.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO READ MY POSTS TO GET AN IDEA OF WHERE I HAVE BEEN IN THE PAST 3 YEARS.

Thank you, Sanderika

[ACJ]

Sanderika,

It's not always easy to find past threads. Can you put a precis here to help us out?

My own sitch:
H left 24.11.05 having an A with a 22yr old
H ditched this girl 2 weeks after leaving me
H met current OW 19.12.05
6.1.06 we ML for last time
15.1.06 H took current OW out for first time he stayed over and has never left since (although she now lives with him)
28.4.06 H moves into his own flat. OW moves in 3 weeks later
04/06 H asks OW to marry him. He didn't tell us
2.7.06 Our wedding anniversary. D18 (then 16) discovers Hs engagement and phones to tell me. I am out of town visiting a friend for the first time in 20 years at the time.
Aug 06 H falls out with D18 (then 16) and doesn't speak to her for 12 months.
June 07 H starts legal process rolling and expects me to agree to D. I won't so he threatens to file based on my unreasonable behaviour.
Letters go backwards and forwards for last 12 months. He now has no contact with me whatsoever. I'm not allowed to contact him on his mobile, he doesn't respond to emails and OW answers phone at his flat.
April 08 S15 moves in with H after I sent him there for a week as punishment (I had come to the end of a very long tether with his behaviour)
July 08 H stops maintenance payments without warning. Financial security literally hinges on S15 coming back to live with me.
Today looking for a 3rd job to be able to keep a roof over my kids heads.

Do I want a D? No. Do I need a D? Probably

[Sanderika]

momof2girls and breton 39,

I believe he does miss me....We have been together for 29 years.

I want him home soooo badly. PLEASE READ MY POSTS FOR WHOLE STORY, it has been quite a 3 year period...OMG!!!!

If he doesn't want to come home, I wish he would initiate the D. He won't do it. I can't figure out what he is hanging on for.

Is it: Because this is easy, he doesn't have to, fairly sure I
won't start the process,

For financial reasons, doesn't want to split
property with me 50/50, (we are financially very
well off),

Because he doesn't want to have visitation
schedule with S12,

Because I am his "safety net", as long as he's
married he doesn't have to marry her (OW is
pushing hard for a D wants to marry him)

Other reasons????????

One thing I would really like to know....How long will OW wait for a man who won't D? What will it take for OW to get him to do it?

OW is a typical MLC's Babe. I hate her and everything she stands for.

In the 3 years they have been together our S has never met her. H doesn't push the issue either.

I really do not want to throw in the towel, but I am getting very restless. I am lonely and sad. I do not want to be alone anymore. My ideal would be to have him come home. I don't see that happening as long as this Macho biker chick is hanging on to him.

Sanderika