Okay been 3 1/2 days since I had any communication with W.
She told me that she actually feels more pressure when I don't contact cause then she thinks I don't care.
Friday I initiated and text her, it was short on her part said had to fold laundry okay whatever.
So I decided to call her at work just to see how her day was going. I could tell when she answered the phone that something was not right, she said her side was hurting and had been along time since it hurt this bad. Told her I was sorry for her pain and asked if she was taking anything and she said yes and was a bit zoned out. She said her day was going slow, and then wanted to know when our cell contract was up cause she was thinking of getting her own? Then we talked about the kids abit and that was it, so I make contact & she doesn't want to converse, but when she contacts we are on the phone for 2 & 3 hours WTF?
So basically in my mind she has gone back about 4 steps from where we were on the 4th. I have no idea where she is at this point and not sure I even care. She sends mixed signals and quite honestly I feel used, screw the thought of well it was just physical take it for what it's worth. That's fine if both parties are in agreement that it's just sex. She tells me she is scared and not sure well I have shown by my actions what there is and I can't talk to her about the R so that pretty much puts us back into limbo where I thought we had moved out of.
I honestly don't know what else to do, I don't contact then it's I don't care; I contact and she doesn't want to converse, give her time and space be a friend don't push be patient don't backslide doesn't there come a point where a little concrete direction can be given the LBS from the WAS? I am not a mind reader.
Am I angry no not really. Frustrated probably more so. Honestly as I said above I feel used...
You made contact, see how she reacts in a day or so.
Why it is that we insist on instant gratification when we reach out is unknown to me since we never ever get it. It sets us up to have bad feelings one way or the other.
You stuck the proverbial olive branch out there, see what happens. Also, if this doesn't work, try something else instead. It is about seeing what works and what doesn't.
This line.....
Quote: Honestly as I said above I feel used...
I like, hurt, lonely, confused, even I miss her....used.....wtf?????
It was not about you being used, it was about her testing your reaction only you want it to be your reaction on your timeline and not hers. Who knows how long she has to watch you, who knows what she is waiting for, be patient, you lose that and you end up feeling "used".......
Where has your connection been with her Brian, what have you two done together where you feel like it has been successful? If you think through this and read back a bit in your sitch, I think you will see what has worked for you and what has not. You are allowing yoru own fears, frustration, and lack of patience to get in your head. Now stop it.......
Originally Posted By: sofaraway Brian, it is about trying different things right?
You made contact, see how she reacts in a day or so.
Why it is that we insist on instant gratification when we reach out is unknown to me since we never ever get it. It sets us up to have bad feelings one way or the other.
You stuck the proverbial olive branch out there, see what happens. Also, if this doesn't work, try something else instead. It is about seeing what works and what doesn't.
This line.....
Quote: Honestly as I said above I feel used...
I like, hurt, lonely, confused, even I miss her....used.....wtf?????
It was not about you being used, it was about her testing your reaction only you want it to be your reaction on your timeline and not hers. Who knows how long she has to watch you, who knows what she is waiting for, be patient, you lose that and you end up feeling "used".......
Where has your connection been with her Brian, what have you two done together where you feel like it has been successful? If you think through this and read back a bit in your sitch, I think you will see what has worked for you and what has not. You are allowing yoru own fears, frustration, and lack of patience to get in your head. Now stop it.......
Ian
Ian...
Yes I agree it is trying different things and then step back and monitor.
Not looking for instant gratification, but on the same hand don't ask for something you don't want or aren't ready for.
The reason why I said 'used', that's how I felt after ML, like a 1 night stand. I get it was a test nothing like going for the biggest test of all to see what my reaction will be, kinda like going before the Bar Assoc. for your orals after only 2 years of Law School, it just hurt.
If I look back the only that has worked is being dark, validating, and giving her space, that is what got results. I understand it is 'her' time frame don't have a problem with that, I have a problem with being told to do something when it wasn't what she really wanted IMO.
But then it goes back to believe 50% of what they say right? You can't expect common sense out of someone who walked out and are confused.
The reason why I said 'used', that's how I felt after ML, like a 1 night stand.
1 night stands don't notice your shaking.
1 night stands don't call you back.
1 night stands do not make eye contact like your wife did.
1 night stands mean a lot less than this meant.
Quote:
If I look back the only that has worked is being dark, validating, and giving her space, that is what got results. I understand it is 'her' time frame don't have a problem with that, I have a problem with being told to do something when it wasn't what she really wanted IMO.
See Brian, this is where I screwed up when I went through this. I lost my compassion for my wife. I forgot that she was struggling just as I was. I expected her to mean what she said. I expected her to always tell the truth. I expected her to know what was important. I expected her to be that same old wife that I had and forgot how much her heart was hurting, how confused she was, how much she was trying to figure out a way to come home.
You have to at some point recognize that your wife is counting on you to have faith in the US part of your relationship. While she is lost she is needing you to be the beacon that stays strong and guides her home. While she struggles to take even a step in the right direction she is counting on you to carry your marriage through her struggles.
Brian I am not trying to go deep on you here. I simply see your wife as heading in the right direction yet struggling so much because she is so damn lost. She wants to believe your changes are real, but cannot right now. She wants to feel loved and needed without it seeming like you are trying to make her feel that way. You have read smartcookie's stuff, the WAS is in the middle of this huge thunderstorm in their minds. They battle between the damage that has been caused and the promise of possible change.
How much do you love her Brian, enough to push aside the hurt and pain of her not having clarity long enough to give her a chance to come home.
Not for nothing my friend, but maybe, just maybe, her making love to you was not simply to make love, but God's way of telling you to hang on. You said the eye contact was amazing. You said you shook because of how nervous you were "like it was the first time". You must have faith in your marriage and trust that you being strong will guide her home. You have nothing to lose by being strong for her.
Bri, you joined here 1 day after me, it was month 11 for me & H. Want me to tell you how I acted toward my H when we were in month #2 ?
Ian is 100% right.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
The reason why I said 'used', that's how I felt after ML, like a 1 night stand.
1 night stands don't notice your shaking.
1 night stands don't call you back.
1 night stands do not make eye contact like your wife did.
1 night stands mean a lot less than this meant.
Quote:
If I look back the only that has worked is being dark, validating, and giving her space, that is what got results. I understand it is 'her' time frame don't have a problem with that, I have a problem with being told to do something when it wasn't what she really wanted IMO.
See Brian, this is where I screwed up when I went through this. I lost my compassion for my wife. I forgot that she was struggling just as I was. I expected her to mean what she said. I expected her to always tell the truth. I expected her to know what was important. I expected her to be that same old wife that I had and forgot how much her heart was hurting, how confused she was, how much she was trying to figure out a way to come home.
You have to at some point recognize that your wife is counting on you to have faith in the US part of your relationship. While she is lost she is needing you to be the beacon that stays strong and guides her home. While she struggles to take even a step in the right direction she is counting on you to carry your marriage through her struggles.
Brian I am not trying to go deep on you here. I simply see your wife as heading in the right direction yet struggling so much because she is so damn lost. She wants to believe your changes are real, but cannot right now. She wants to feel loved and needed without it seeming like you are trying to make her feel that way. You have read smartcookie's stuff, the WAS is in the middle of this huge thunderstorm in their minds. They battle between the damage that has been caused and the promise of possible change.
How much do you love her Brian, enough to push aside the hurt and pain of her not having clarity long enough to give her a chance to come home.
Not for nothing my friend, but maybe, just maybe, her making love to you was not simply to make love, but God's way of telling you to hang on. You said the eye contact was amazing. You said you shook because of how nervous you were "like it was the first time". You must have faith in your marriage and trust that you being strong will guide her home. You have nothing to lose by being strong for her.
Ian
Ian my friend...
I know in my heart my W did not use me, I/we felt total connection. Yes the eye contact was as 1.
I guess this is why I have such a difficult time cause the compassion I feel for my W is and has always been before me this is no lie or embellishment. I adore my W. I can look at her and get weak in the knees, when we 1st met I gave her a nickname and it has always stuck I call her Sunshine.
I know she is counting on me to be strong as she always has, she has always said she gets her strength from me. She is scared because she has relied on me too much to make it right and lost who she is.
I agree with this to a point, as she is afraid of my changes sticking she seems more afraid to change what is wrong with her, she is trying to change I can see it but to do that she knows she must let me into her life & trust me which is not easy she has been hurt by so many men in her life.
I will continue to put aside my hurt and my needs to help her be herself. I have always put her needs 1st this is no lie or embellishment even when it comes to ML I worry about her enjoyment before mine I don't know how much more I can love her. That is why I come on here and vent and ramble so that I can be the man she wants & needs.
Yes that is all true it was beyond words the feelings that were flowing, funny thing is the act wasn't the climax the climax was ML into each others eyes, hard to explain it, it was as if our eyes were doing the love making it was truly nothing I have ever experienced before I fell more in love with my W that night than I did when we 1st met. If it is God's will then so be it I will be there.
There is a song that truly explains it all, now I'm kinda redneck but there is a song by Garth Brooks called, "The Dance" I think it pretty much explains life.
Bri, you joined here 1 day after me, it was month 11 for me & H. Want me to tell you how I acted toward my H when we were in month #2 ?
Ian is 100% right.
Hi Sweet Cookie,
When I joined I had been into this thing 9 months she had dropped the bomb at the end of August on her birthday that was a good party.
But with that being said I agree that this really is month 2 of actually trying to get somewhere so I appreciate what you are saying it's like those 9 months didn't count.
I know he is right I know you are right, you know you have been a guiding light to me with W past, that has been the biggest factor for being strong, the insight that you gave.
The reason why I said 'used', that's how I felt after ML, like a 1 night stand.
1 night stands don't notice your shaking.
1 night stands don't call you back.
1 night stands do not make eye contact like your wife did.
1 night stands mean a lot less than this meant.
Quote:
If I look back the only that has worked is being dark, validating, and giving her space, that is what got results. I understand it is 'her' time frame don't have a problem with that, I have a problem with being told to do something when it wasn't what she really wanted IMO.
See Brian, this is where I screwed up when I went through this. I lost my compassion for my wife. I forgot that she was struggling just as I was. I expected her to mean what she said. I expected her to always tell the truth. I expected her to know what was important. I expected her to be that same old wife that I had and forgot how much her heart was hurting, how confused she was, how much she was trying to figure out a way to come home.
You have to at some point recognize that your wife is counting on you to have faith in the US part of your relationship. While she is lost she is needing you to be the beacon that stays strong and guides her home. While she struggles to take even a step in the right direction she is counting on you to carry your marriage through her struggles.
Brian I am not trying to go deep on you here. I simply see your wife as heading in the right direction yet struggling so much because she is so damn lost. She wants to believe your changes are real, but cannot right now. She wants to feel loved and needed without it seeming like you are trying to make her feel that way. You have read smartcookie's stuff, the WAS is in the middle of this huge thunderstorm in their minds. They battle between the damage that has been caused and the promise of possible change.
How much do you love her Brian, enough to push aside the hurt and pain of her not having clarity long enough to give her a chance to come home.
Not for nothing my friend, but maybe, just maybe, her making love to you was not simply to make love, but God's way of telling you to hang on. You said the eye contact was amazing. You said you shook because of how nervous you were "like it was the first time". You must have faith in your marriage and trust that you being strong will guide her home. You have nothing to lose by being strong for her.
Ian
Ian my friend...
I know in my heart my W did not use me, I/we felt total connection. Yes the eye contact was as 1.
I guess this is why I have such a difficult time cause the compassion I feel for my W is and has always been before me this is no lie or embellishment. I adore my W. I can look at her and get weak in the knees, when we 1st met I gave her a nickname and it has always stuck I call her Sunshine.
I know she is counting on me to be strong as she always has, she has always said she gets her strength from me. She is scared because she has relied on me too much to make it right and lost who she is.
I agree with this to a point, as she is afraid of my changes sticking she seems more afraid to change what is wrong with her, she is trying to change I can see it but to do that she knows she must let me into her life & trust me which is not easy she has been hurt by so many men in her life.
I will continue to put aside my hurt and my needs to help her be herself. I have always put her needs 1st this is no lie or embellishment even when it comes to ML I worry about her enjoyment before mine I don't know how much more I can love her. That is why I come on here and vent and ramble so that I can be the man she wants & needs.
Yes that is all true it was beyond words the feelings that were flowing, funny thing is the act wasn't the climax the climax was ML into each others eyes, hard to explain it, it was as if our eyes were doing the love making it was truly nothing I have ever experienced before I fell more in love with my W that night than I did when we 1st met. If it is God's will then so be it I will be there.
There is a song that truly explains it all, now I'm kinda redneck but there is a song by Garth Brooks called, "The Dance" I think it pretty much explains life.
Brian
Brian..this post has left me speechless and in tears. I appreciate your call today.
You feel a love that is deep and lasting. I've asked you before and I'll ask again...please be real patient. This is going to take a while Brian.
If you really want it you'll have to wait for it..
Do you really, really want it...
It's there, don't end up like me buddy. Hang tight..
The reason why I said 'used', that's how I felt after ML, like a 1 night stand.
1 night stands don't notice your shaking.
1 night stands don't call you back.
1 night stands do not make eye contact like your wife did.
1 night stands mean a lot less than this meant.
Quote:
If I look back the only that has worked is being dark, validating, and giving her space, that is what got results. I understand it is 'her' time frame don't have a problem with that, I have a problem with being told to do something when it wasn't what she really wanted IMO.
See Brian, this is where I screwed up when I went through this. I lost my compassion for my wife. I forgot that she was struggling just as I was. I expected her to mean what she said. I expected her to always tell the truth. I expected her to know what was important. I expected her to be that same old wife that I had and forgot how much her heart was hurting, how confused she was, how much she was trying to figure out a way to come home.
You have to at some point recognize that your wife is counting on you to have faith in the US part of your relationship. While she is lost she is needing you to be the beacon that stays strong and guides her home. While she struggles to take even a step in the right direction she is counting on you to carry your marriage through her struggles.
Brian I am not trying to go deep on you here. I simply see your wife as heading in the right direction yet struggling so much because she is so damn lost. She wants to believe your changes are real, but cannot right now. She wants to feel loved and needed without it seeming like you are trying to make her feel that way. You have read smartcookie's stuff, the WAS is in the middle of this huge thunderstorm in their minds. They battle between the damage that has been caused and the promise of possible change.
How much do you love her Brian, enough to push aside the hurt and pain of her not having clarity long enough to give her a chance to come home.
Not for nothing my friend, but maybe, just maybe, her making love to you was not simply to make love, but God's way of telling you to hang on. You said the eye contact was amazing. You said you shook because of how nervous you were "like it was the first time". You must have faith in your marriage and trust that you being strong will guide her home. You have nothing to lose by being strong for her.
Ian
Ian my friend...
I know in my heart my W did not use me, I/we felt total connection. Yes the eye contact was as 1.
I guess this is why I have such a difficult time cause the compassion I feel for my W is and has always been before me this is no lie or embellishment. I adore my W. I can look at her and get weak in the knees, when we 1st met I gave her a nickname and it has always stuck I call her Sunshine.
I know she is counting on me to be strong as she always has, she has always said she gets her strength from me. She is scared because she has relied on me too much to make it right and lost who she is.
I agree with this to a point, as she is afraid of my changes sticking she seems more afraid to change what is wrong with her, she is trying to change I can see it but to do that she knows she must let me into her life & trust me which is not easy she has been hurt by so many men in her life.
I will continue to put aside my hurt and my needs to help her be herself. I have always put her needs 1st this is no lie or embellishment even when it comes to ML I worry about her enjoyment before mine I don't know how much more I can love her. That is why I come on here and vent and ramble so that I can be the man she wants & needs.
Yes that is all true it was beyond words the feelings that were flowing, funny thing is the act wasn't the climax the climax was ML into each others eyes, hard to explain it, it was as if our eyes were doing the love making it was truly nothing I have ever experienced before I fell more in love with my W that night than I did when we 1st met. If it is God's will then so be it I will be there.
There is a song that truly explains it all, now I'm kinda redneck but there is a song by Garth Brooks called, "The Dance" I think it pretty much explains life.
Brian
Brian..this post has left me speechless and in tears. I appreciate your call today.
You feel a love that is deep and lasting. I've asked you before and I'll ask again...please be real patient. This is going to take a while Brian.
If you really want it you'll have to wait for it..
Do you really, really want it...
It's there, don't end up like me buddy. Hang tight..
Hey bro...
I am glad I called you have been wanting to do it for a loooong time I have seen your picture, tried to live your advice, but puttin a voice to it meant the world to me.
The first time I saw her I committed myself to her, I only hope in time she will allow herself the same feeling, I know it's there. Everyday I get up and everynight I go to bed I pray to God to give me that strength.
I will wait I have too...
Really really want it? Like an Angle that wants its wings.
Her side hurts cause she still has 1 ovary that produces eggs even though she has had a partial hystorectomy, sometimes it no big deal and sometimes it really really hurts.
