Wow...my thread locked on me in the middle of the night
Here's a recap of my last post...
Hi Sunnyokie...
NOt sure just who was posting earlier today under my name ...
Quote:
It took me many years to be comfortable in my own skin....You sound like you're doing really well.
Guess it was me; remember, I said moments of feeling comfortable! Right now, for example, I'm feeling very uncomfortable; 'fraid I let Mr. Expectation take a seat at my table today (d$mn me and my sliver of hope!) and I know realistically that he has no place there... (I also keep engaging in self-defeating behaviors in my goal to shed weight... )
Quote:
is there a reason you left off that H was having an affair?
Yea, this was the first time we had any kind of convo at all about things, so I just felt that it wasn't time yet... but I feel like it will come out at some point. I do not intend to give H a total pass of that; especially since they know her and her Ss. But right now, we're still in such a strange place...H is here again tonight; he has only really stayed at the apt a few nights since he actually got access to it...most of his 'away' nights were actually at OWs.
Actually, I think H heading over to OWs on Sat night is what got this latest drama going...friends of OW threw a big 40th bday party for her, and she was definitely pushing for H to come (to my knowledge, this would be his 'coming out' as her b'friend ...1st social event in that kind of setting) Looks like he was vague about going, using excuse that he had promised S12 he would watch movie with him(us), and then let her know later that he was heading to her place (instead of to meet her at the party)... guessing big fuss ensued over that. H wound up at our house early (as usual, 5:30am, since S12 is still in the dark) and hadn't slept, guessing H wound up at his apt for the night...
As I said above, I let Mr Hopeful Expectation linger around yesterday and today for a while, but I've made myself send him packing... I don't think this latest drama will amount to anything as far as i'm concerned. It is interesting, though, that H is still having such a hard time really making the break. I don't delude myself that it's about me; it's about Ss and other parts of his life that I guess he's starting to realize will be gone... If I had to guess about the current drama, when push came to shove, H was not as ready as he thought to be that public about the two of them... but they are already back in touch again (looong phone convo tonight...actually surprised he stayed here...)
Wow, it's late...off to try to sleep... gotta be fresh for my IC tomorrow...and 'doing work' on me!!
I'm feeling today like maybe I need to be doing something, but I just don't know what...
Sounds like my pal Sunny is really taking the bull by the horns... and in thinking about that, i wonder if I'm being too passive in my sitch, even though it is an intentional choice.
And yet, I want to approach my life, and my R with H, with compassion and dignity. Unlike Sunny, my H still goes to great lengths to hide his A, and I know what I know in spite of H.
Just feeling confused today...and not enough time to work it through right now...maybe later!
There have been times over the past 6 months when I am glad that I have had an easy, virtually detection-proof way to snoop on H's email...but it's also been a double edge sword, and at times has been incredibly painful.
Despite several half-assed efforts on my part, I have not stopped; I will go a period of time, but when H's behavior/mood changes dramatically, then I have looked to try to figure out what's going on...
Over the last week, I've figured out that H and OW had a big, hurtful fuss (as i mentioned in a previous post), and that H seemed to be distancing and seriously questioning their R. In line with this, H had seemed pretty upbeat the last few days, more present in his convos with me.
And then, last night he was a mess when he was leaving the house; said he had a horrible, splitting headache, etc. I suggested he just stay here, he made some comment like 'i've paid for that place...'. Well, after he left i checked email, and it looks like OW must have gotten fired or something similar...her job had been very tenuous for a while i think. H was very distraught, feels partly responsible (guess she used phone, email etc a lot to contact him up until a few months ago...) etc.
And i'm starting to wonder if she's manipulating this to some extent to pull him back in...i may be all wrong and a cynical hag, but my BS meter is starting to sense a pattern. Over the last 6 months, there have been a number of personal 'crises' which have really yanked his chain back to her...coincidences???
And here I sit...lips zipped shut, asking this am about his headache, etc.
I just want to holler at him to wise up!!! ARGHHHH.... But I won't. He wouldn't listen anyway...
Funny thing, though... I feel strong and in control of me...I wouldn't want to trade places with H, even though i guess he gets hot monkey sex with OW... it ain't worth the drama.
I've got a good R with my boys, and I'm feeling calm and centered today. I can do this...
Yes you can. It isn't easy and we couldn't take that path anyway(that's what our spouses did). Just hang in there and find stuff that you enjoy doing. You will find yourself a much happier person in the end.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Just looking in on you. Sometimes its a lot easier just not to know. If you can get your focus off H and what he is or is not up to then it will make for a calmer life for you.
Thanks for stopping by... been awake 'board surfing' and looks like lots of folks can't sleep tonight!
I know that "getting focus off H" is definitely the way to go; my efforts here get compromised because H is so omnipresent. S18 knows that H goes 'away' at night (but is back before 6am each morning that he's gone...he stayed here Fri/Sat nite), but S12 doesn't even know that yet. And I am still not ready to be the one to tell him...
More to say later; finally getting tired enough to maybe get some more sleep...
.