HELP - Wife Is Focused On Divorce For OM

[Scott123]

Hi guys, I could really use some help with my sitch. I'll give
a brief summary of where I'm at and here are my two threads,
both of which are in newcomers:

1. Wife Filed And I Need Help Busting ASAP

2. Wife Filed & I Need Help Busting #2 (this one is new and only has a few posts and it's current)

My sitch is pretty unique because there was a health problem
on my part and a gambling problem on my wifes part. Regardless
of that though, there is a confirmed OM who I believe is really
driving her actions now.

I'm not living at home now. I've been out since June 26th 08.
Before leaving my wife and I were really not speaking for approx
6 weeks. We had a big blow out to do an episode I had. You'd
have to read the first thread to understand that. During this
time she was trying to get me to move out, telling me she
needed space, loved me but was not in love with me, told me
she could not be happy with me, too much has happened in the
past, said she cannot love me the same way anymore etc. All
stuff you guys have heard on here thousands of times.

I tried to give her space while still staying in the house. I
basically stayed upstairs away from here and we really did
not talk at all. She kept at me to move out. At the time I
thought their might have been an OM, but was not sure. I
confronted her about it, but she denied it, but I could
tell she was lying about something. I just let it go. She
kept demanding I move out and she filed for divorce.

I figured that I better just leave or she was never going
to calm down so that's what I did.

Now after being away I believe she really wanted me out so
that she could continue with OM.

After being away for a while she ended up contacting me
and telling me she met someone else. Exact words:

"I met someone, nothing serious yet, but her treats me good
and is nice. I just did not want you to find out from someone
else, I wanted to tell you myself."

I told her I was devastated, hurt, felt violated etc. She
tried to blow it off saying "we are getting divorced" and
I said "there's a lot of love between us and this really
hurts me" and she said "there has not been any love in a long
time" which is totally BS. I had to end the conversation because
I was just in shock.

I ended up going back home because I was taking our kids
out for the day. I confronted her alone, grabbed her and hugged
her. She was squeezing me really tight. I told her I was not
mad at her, but I was really hurt. She said "You should be
mad, you have a lot to be mad about" and that was basically
the all we said. I took the kids and then I went dark on
my wife.

I did end up having a conversation that went really bad. I
confronted her on her gambling, all the resentment she has
towards me and crap she holds over my head and I also confronted
her on the OM. Basically restating how hurt I was etc. She
was furious and jumping all over the place in the conversation
and it was really hard to even follow. I had to end up
just walking away and going home because she was just being
ridiculous. She just stated that the OM "Just happened" and
she didnt plan it. I said BS, you went out and looked for
it, no affair "just happens" it is a conscious choice.

I know this is probably hard to follow, it would probably be
easier if you just read my two threads.

Let me jump forward though to where I'm at right now.

She was not talking to me and basically ignoring me and
according to her she wanted a divorce, nothing I say or do
will change her mind, she can never be happy with me and if
she was not serious she would not have paid for the divorce
in full. So basically she is stubborn, spiteful and gung ho
on getting a divorce. Friends and family are of course on
her side with it and most likely encouraging her.

With that said, I decided to play a jealousy card as a last
resort and monitor her reactions.

I know that my wife is a very jealous person and I
love her unconditionally so the last thing I wanted to
do was walk away from this marriage and just let some
guy take my wife.

We are both heavily active online and I know when she is
accessing sites that I am on and checking out what I
am doing.

The whole time I have been away and even while I was there
and we were not talking she has been scoping me out online.
This is daily. Sometimes a couple times a day. So with
that knowledge I figured she must have some interest if she
is always following me around online.

I have been dark to her and not contacting her at all. I
pick the kids up outside and do not go in the house. I
only respond to her if it is about the kids and nothing else.

With that said, I not only wanted to play the jealousy card
to try and get her to pursue me, but I wanted to do it to
kind of judge her interest in me because I really did not
want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed later.

Like I said, she was checking my posts and stuff out online
pretty regularly, but here is where it gets crazy.

I changed my profiles around online and removed all mention
of her. I changed my status to show that I was single and I
started adding some new friends (some female) and getting back
in touch with some people who I got distant from.

Once I did that, her activity on my pages and post skyrocketed.
So I stepped it up a bit, I started talking to more girls, posted
about going on vacation, getting back into stuff that I lost
interest in like riding, writing music, raving etc. I basically
started posting about what I'm doing. Everything is positive
and fun.

The past 3 days she has been doing nothing bu keeping an eye
on what I'm doing online. I mean she has been online so often
it's like she is stalking me. If you read through my second
thread you'll see I posted an activity log with her times
of access and it's jut crazy.

So my dilemma now is what should I do next.

I mean so far it looks like I have her sort of pursuing me
now even though it's indirectly. She does not know that I can
see when she accesses my stuff.

She also drills the kids for info whenever I take them somewhere.
She'll ask them what I'm doing, if I said anything about her etc.

So the things she is doing seem to contradict what she has
said. If she was so set on divorce and not wanting anything
to do with me, why is she so interested in what I am doing?

Ther eis an older couple that we are friends with who I talk
to and they told me they spoke with her friday. They said that
she was stressing she wanted a divorce. They said are you sure
you are not going to change your mind and she said "No, I would
not have seen another guy if I was" they said she also mentioned
that I was talking to a girl and that I was going on vacation.
They thought it was kind of odd too that she was so fixated
on me when she claims to not want anything to do with me.
This couple wants us back together, they don't want to see
us get divorced and so they pretty much tell me anything
she does or says. They are like our grandparents.

OK back to the online stuff.

There are hints of some playful flirting, and basically posts
that I am looking forward to the rest of summer and posting
about some of the stuff I have planned. Going to games, races,
taking some trips etc. She can see some [censored] chat between me
and some of my friends and that includes a few girls.

So the jealousy and mystery seem to have lit a fire under
her ass and now she is watching my every move. That was
the plan and it seemed to work as planned.

I want to take it up a notch and try to get some kind of
response from her.

Any suggestions or ideas on where to go with this?

I so want to confront her on this OM, but not sure if that
would be a backslide or not. I don't want to enable her
anymore either though.

What really pissed me off is that she is trying to get the kids
to meet this guy and they want no part of it. She is telling
them the HAVE TO treat him nice etc. It's really ridiculous.
She is in such a fog and acting like a totally different person.

I'm going to go post an update to my #2 thread now.

I'm open to any advice and suggestions here. I know this OM
is the major roadblock here which is why I'm posting in
the infidelity forum. If he was not in the picture I know
we would be back together.

- Scott

[limbo]

Scott,

I would be very careful with this game that you are playing...if she is so hell bent on divorcing you, she could be using this stuff as ammo.
She may think this gives her paper proof to use against you in a divorce.
So be very cautious as to what you and how you are posting things.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Scott,

I'm with limbo. I'm as pro-"games" and pro-"playing offense" as anyone on this entire forum, but I think you're playing with fire here. The way to create jealousy (and I don't think it's a bad play) is to simply be more dark, and more mysterious, and do things like being all dressed nice and smelling nice when you drop the kids off, and when she asks you where you're going, say "To meet some friends" and leave it at that. Things of that sort. ACTUALLY SEEING OTHER WOMEN is NOT advisable, nor is putting things IN WRITING that would indicate that you are.

Your lawyer is going to have a conniption fit if he/she's any good at all.

Puppy

[whatdidido]

I agree with limbo and puppy. I also believe she is checking on you so much because she wants more justification for what she is doing. If you are seeing others, too, it makes sense that you both part ways. She can justify it in her head. What you are doing may be making it easier for her to leave.

[karen43]

Your lawyer is going to have a conniption fit if he/she's any good at all.

Puppy

As usual, I agree with you Puppy. My L told me a week or 2 ago, that having a boyfriend would cause me problems in a divorce, so whew! luckily I don't have one!!! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Your lawyer is going to have a conniption fit if he/she's any good at all.

Puppy

As usual, I agree with you Puppy. My L told me a week or 2 ago, that having a boyfriend would cause me problems in a divorce, so whew! luckily I don't have one!!! Karen

Yeah, keep those hardbodied younger hotties away, Karen!!

[Scott123]

There is nothing in writing to indicate that I am seeing anyone.
I am well aware of the game and the legal aspects and I am
very careful to what gets posted.

In fact, if anyone has any proof of anything it would be me.
I have copies of her emails that mention the OM and I have
all the text messages about her admitting to seeing someone,
admitting to wanting to see other people, admitting to wanting
to see other people before the divorce is even final including
wanting to have sex with other people. I have copies
of all of it.

She has nothing at all on me because there isn't anything on
me to begin with. I've not cheated on her ever.

As far as what is online, there is more info about what
I'm doing, having fun, hanging out with old and new friends,
planing vacations etc. Some of it is just bar talk type stuff
about sports, but there are a few girls who are
posting too. Nothing sexual towards me, but they are
just really positive and friendly.

I know my wife, I know how jealous she can be. As far as the
other stuff about being dark I am doing that. The problem is
I don't see her at all so the only way she follows me or
sees me is online.

Just today I looked at the logs and she was on my stuff a bunch
of times this morning. Every hour or so.

Put it this way. If I was not doing the above mentioned things
she would simply be concentrating on moving on with this new
guy. At least now she is actively watching me and seems to be
picking up on everything especially if she is talking about
it to other people including my daughters and this older
couple.

This is exactly the type of stuff she did in the past and
it actually was a big step in getting us back together, which
is why I wanted to do it again.

Right now though I'm more concerned about the OM and how he
is affecting her actions especially since she in such a fog
and not thinking straight to begin with. She is really
vulnerable now emotionally so she is probably pretty easy to
get hooked.

- Scott

[runningoutoftime]

I wouldn't confront her about anything. Confrontation only pushes people away. If you want her to "want" you, act in an attractive and desirable way. Maybe even flirt with W a little but without any pursuit (that's important!). Imagine yourself a Don Juan type of guy.

With any luck OM may get jealous and confrontational with your W and that would make your sitch easier.

You CAN have female friends and have conversations with them and flirt with them a little. I personally wouldn't go further then that or hint at more because it can backfire.

Mystery is always useful. Like say you are going out with "friends" on your blog (even if it's just guy friends) and then describe the attractive women you talk with, or bits and pieces of their conversation. There's nothing wrong with that if you are separated and W is considering D.

I wouldn't give too many details. Mystery is better....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Scott,

You listed yourself as "Single," and are openly flirting and allowing yourself to be flirted WITH, intentionally, for her to see. I'm not an attorney, but I bet a really good one could make a case for "emotional abuse" and/or "emotional abandonment" of the marital relationship.

I could be wrong.

I also get an impression from you that you are not merely doing this for tactical purposes, but rather a vindictive kind of getting back at her. This isn't high school.

You asked for "any advice or suggestions"; you are always free to do with it what you wish.

Puppy

[Scott123]

No I'm not being vindictive, please re-read what I posted. I had
a feeling it would get her attention and get her to start
perusing me a bit. The flirting is innocent and not anywhere
near emotional abuse. It's more of me just posting about
what I'm doing, talking to friends etc. Some of which happen
to be female. She has a real problem with me talking to women
and always has. that's just the way she is, she is a very jealous
type of person.

I did get an email from her today about the conflict letter for
the attorney:

--
I really need you to write that letter for me. All it has to say
is that It is ok to represent me, and you signature. I would
like to get all of this done asap. You can get it notarized or
I can.

Thanks
--

I love her more than anything in this world. Right now
she is watching me because of things I have posted online.
Before she was not really interested in what I was doing
and she was starting to be real distant. At least now I am
on her mind. I am very careful about what I post and I'm
making sure there is nothing posted that would be perceived as
me having any sexual or even emotional relationships.

As for the divorce that she filed. It is no fault and it was
one of those online services. You don't even have contact
with the attorney or need to show up in court. Right now
it is blocked because of a conflict of interest and if I don't
write that letter she will have to go to another attorney.
Basically I can drag my feet for a while her but she will
get furious. Not sure if that is a backslide or not.

I'm just not sure what to do now. Should I keep posting online
since that is really the only way she sees what i am doing. I
will be going to work on our house soon, but in the past she
has simply left the room, went out or ignored me while I
was there so I expect her to do the same if I work on
the house now.

I'm really confused now and need a good plan to follow. I just
wish the OM was not in the picture because I know that is what
is really pushing her for divorce now.

Puppy, this is 100% tactical, I have no intention of being
vindictive or "getting back at her" or anything like that. I
love her unconditionally and can get past the OM without having
resentment or holding anything against her.

I just want my baby back regardless of what she has done.

- Scott