Huh. On the brighter side, you know he's "only" living with a guy, for sure, now. maybe his MLC has transitioned from "looking for a woman to justify myself", to "looking for fame to justify myself". (remember MLC = "It's all about mememememe!!!!") Stupid that he hasnt figured out he can do that WITH you.
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Obviously, I still care a great deal and am not quite ready to give him a "step up or step off" speach, but I think I am getting closer to that point. I can't imagine ever NOT caring, but that's probably how all LBS start out.
the most important thing about that is, if you're gonna do the speech.. you need to plan to do it BEFORE you dont care anymore.
The steps are: 1. give speech 2. go dark. [and thus wait for him to either make up his mind, or let the final dregs of you caring, wear off. ] 3. Get a better life for yourself.
The beauty of it is.. whichever way he chooses in step #2, you are guaranteed "a better life for yourself" in #3.
Its kinda tough to plan timing on it, though. I've occasionally overshot the mark of "not caring any more" myself. But stepped back over the line, after some time. Temporary timeout from pain, as a defense mechanism, i guess. I dont know when mine will fully run out. Kinda surprised it hasnt already. I thought I would give up after a year of separation. but.. still here... (WTH is wrong with me??? lol...)
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Dom, what is OSC?
'Order to Show Cause'. It's the official name for pretty much any motion done as part of a divorce case. In this case, she's had an OSC for child support hanging over my head for more than a year now, even though i've been voluntarily giving more to her than she would get through the OSC (on the basis of "sharing with my wife", not "because she needs more money".). But she still keeps it pending. Schedules a court date, then postpones to another one...
Damn rude. She would be livid, if I did that to HER. She has complained vociferously in the past, about times she felt I was "holding things over HER head"...
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
3:30am H had to work tonight and plan was that he would come over after and we would jeep tomorrow.
He just got done. We have been IMing here and there while he worked and I figured he would say he was too tired to come over. (we stayed up pretty late last night too and got up fairly early.)
I fell asleep on the couch at one point and had a terrible dream that he and I were doing very well and then he dropped me like a hot potato to hook up with some woman. It affected everyone in the family; I was beyond livid; he was cold and would flaunt her in my face. (A very linear dream.) I woke up with a start and my heart beating out of my chest; disoriented. I am still feeling the mood of the dream on me. I gotta shake it off cuz he just IMed to say they were done and he's leaving now.
He's gonna get here around 4am. Can I say again that I am very surprised he's still coming over?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I don't really have my own thread any more. There was one on Surviving the Big D, which is probably the best one to use (or the one on WAS).
I am in touch with my spouse. Amazingly, she is going to come round later today - to drop of my stuff that had been stored at my FIL's. Like Dom, I will be buying her out of her share of the house at the end of next week (eeek). Everything feels so final that I've (sadly) given up on anything other than staying friends.
I'll check out your thread now.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Very busy day yesterday- but here are the interesting parts-
1-he's afraid that if I move back in/we reconcile fully, he'll get bored. I laughed and said "yeah. and next week you'll say that you're afraid that I will keep you so busy that you never get any time to rest and have a break." he laughed and said "yeah. you just can't win with me. I'm crazy making." more laughing. I say "Truly you ARE crazy making. First you're afraid I'll be a bump on a log; then you're araid I'll play out all our weekends! Sheesh!" H "Well, you've done such a 180, I wonder if that's what will happen."
2-I asked him who did he think would take care of him if he ever got gravely ill, and he said "you. I hate you for that." Half joking of course.
3-Clarified "I don't hate you at all. I love you." Me "I know. But it sounds like it makes you angry that I would be the one who would care for you" and he said "Yeah, because you are so good and I am such a jerk. I don't like feeling like a jerk." Me "That's easy to remedy."
4-Asked "do you ever wonder what the hell you are doing?" Him "All the time."
5-Told him he is living on borrowed time, because this situation will not work for me in the long term and the time is coming where he will need to step up to the plate and actually play in the game.
He asked what difference {positive aspects} it would make if we lived together. I said going to bed, waking up together. Sharing our daily lives. Actually, really truly partnering up. I said that *for me*, I am not interested in a casual relationship. He says "We do not have anything casual. Our relationship is far from casual and very special." I say "yes, i know, but you aren't in the game.....I doubt you will look back on your life and regret actually stepping up to the plate and actually playing." He said (sort of resigned)"yeah, I know."
6-He mentioned the boredom fear again and I said "It's all in your head. Just because you're with the same person doesn't mean you have to get bored. You seem to always be looking outside of yourself to 'feel' something; for something else to 'make' you feel not bored/happy/whatever. As long as you search for that outside of yourself, you will never, ever be happy and you'll always be reaching for something you can't get. Making sure you aren't bored is within you control and resting firmly between both of your ears." He made a 'ding' sound with his finger in the air and said "wow. That makes a lot of sense. hmmm.."
After that point he sort of went 'into' himself. We had to get seats for the movie (Journey to the center of the Earth, 3D- that was fun) so there was no more talk. Like I said- he got really quiet and introspective looking, so I thought I had probably said enough.
Any other good thoughts on how to address the boredom objection? Is he telling me something I'm not hearing?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Point 6 is the one to hammer home on the boredom issue. It sounds like it's the thing to focus on too.
He is responsible for making his life satisfying, not anyone else. That does not preclude being in a long term R - unless his definition of satisfying is having lots of flings. If that's the case, you wouldn't want an R with him anyway!
God, boredom is a risk for us all, but it's also under our control.
Sounds reasonably positive to me.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
I said that *for me*, I am not interested in a casual relationship. He says "We do not have anything casual. Our relationship is far from casual and very special." I say "yes, i know"
????
you should have called bull**** on that one.
he doesnt treat you like it is. or rather... he treats you like it, when he feels like it. That is pretty much the definition of a casual relationship. Pay attention to you when he feels like it, do whatever he likes, when he doesnt.
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6-He mentioned the boredom fear again and I said "It's all in your head. Just because you're with the same person doesn't mean you have to get bored. You seem to always be looking outside of yourself to 'feel' something; for something else to 'make' you feel not bored/happy/whatever. As long as you search for that outside of yourself, you will never, ever be happy and you'll always be reaching for something you can't get. Making sure you aren't bored is within you control and resting firmly between both of your ears." [...] Any other good thoughts on how to address the boredom objection? Is he telling me something I'm not hearing?
I dont think so. Sounds like you nailed it right on. and maybe he actually listened to you on that one. nice way to handle it.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You made excellent points in that conversation. I just wonder if, with any of these WASs, if logic will ever make a dent in their thinking. Clearly you are right, but he holds the cards. I think he will continue to take your relationship for granted as long as you allow it. Somehow you have to get the idea across to him that he is in danger of losing you. It is as in the old song, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone."
