Hope4us struggle, part 7

[whatdidido]

h4u,

I've been keeping up, just not having time to post until now. What everyone has said is so true. You know this, too, as you stated.

You are still in the "misery" stage of your marriage. You are trying for the "awakening" stage (http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=7 . See "Stages of Marriages" on that page.

I am here to remind you that it will take time. It did not take your marriage a few days to get to where it is now, so it will not take a few days to get it to where it needs to be.

You are realizing she needs to change some things that were going on Pre A. You will eventually need to tell her that. It took 2 to get to where you are. The things she needs to change probably caused you to not do some things you should have done, which caused .....etc, etc.

Hang in there. Day by day.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am here to remind you that it will take time. It did not take your marriage a few days to get to where it is now, so it will not take a few days to get it to where it needs to be.

You are realizing she needs to change some things that were going on Pre A. You will eventually need to tell her that. It took 2 to get to where you are. The things she needs to change probably caused you to not do some things you should have done, which caused .....etc, etc.

Hang in there. Day by day.

Wisdom, that.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks everyone. You guys are a big help and I really needed that right now.

Yesterday W starts IMing me at work and we have a pretty nice conversation. When we get home it continues but then about 7:30 she gets up (we were on the deck talking) and goes inside without saying a word. I go in a bit later and the rest of the evening she is very quiet. When I went to bed I told her I'd see her in the morning and she didn't respond.

I know...Patience, patience, patience, but this little pull back on her part really has me down. I know my expectations were too high after this weekend, but it seemed like we were making such progress and now her pull back has really hit me hard.

I'm just so tired.....I went to bed fantasing about just ending it and getting on with my life, but then I think of my kids and how much better S16 seems to be doing and I can't think of going there....yet.....

How much longer am I going to have to put up with this bullchit before she makes a decsision one way or another?

[whatdidido]

I think the 3 month mark is good, but WD takes awhile. Just like you are feeling "do I really want this" right now. She is feeling that, too.

What are you looking for as your next step? COunseling, books, relationship talks, retrouvaille?

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. Hmmmm, next steps....

Moving back into OUR bed. Not for ML, but for the closeness of it (don't get me wrong, ML would be a bonus).

Reading "Not just friends" and "Surviving an Affair".

For now, no heavy R talks, but an "I want to try to make our marriage work" would be nice for her to say.

Counseling and Retro are definitely things I'd like to do in the future, but W has said many times "I don't believe in that stuff". Don't know if that was the affair talking or not, but she's not really one to open up to people she doesn't know.

I know WD takes a while...I know...I KNOW...but after over a year of working my a** off changing what she has complained about and getting NOTHING in return, I just get frustrated at the pace of things. When will I get the things that I need?

[Doing_My_Best]

H4U,

You are a patient, good man. I am hopeful she will continue to realize you are giving her the chance of a lifetime to come back to your marriage 100%. You are doing soooo good. Patience!

DMB

[whatdidido]

Ok, I was asking about your next steps because there has to be something you are working toward, not just "waiting it out". You know there will need to be changes on both parts in order to repair your marriage.

Her WD and need for time is sooo important so that is what she is working on. You are continuing to make changes and do 180s and that is what you continue with.

SO, things to work toward: Those books- one of these days she really needs to pick them up and read those parts that pertain to her because it will help her. I know they will help you, too. You will have to gauge when/how that happens. I think you said you are leaving them out. That may be all it takes. Maybe a talk or sending her to certain pages and talking about it. You are saying no heavy R talks, so you must think it is not the right time. You only know.

I know what she means about counseling. I feel that way sometimes, too. Counseling just never seemed to help me. Maybe I never had a good counselor. I will have to tell you about Retrouvaille after this weekend and let you know how that goes and what I think. Based upon the website it is JUST what we need. You sit and listen and you DON"T share anything with ANYONE other than your spouse so that may be something that she is interested in. It's basically free, too. I remember reading how one wife did it because she liked the idea of not cooking for three days, and staying in a hotel.

Anyway, you are being very patient. Keep on being patient. DOn't give up. You will get what you need when she feels she is getting what she needs and she is able to say to herself, "I know this is where I want to be, and I know that it will be a good place to be, not the place it was before."

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

As I told you about a month ago, it is her lack of introspection that bothers me the most. By this point, I would have hoped that she would have picked up a book or two and tried to begin getting on with her life and trying to learn more about what she did, if she is indeed truly repentant and wanting to come back to the marriage.

I'd suggest leaving them out, and see if she will pick them up. But I still think you're going to have to re-confront her at some point very soon.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID...that really helped. I KNOW you are right but I've just become a victim of too high of expectations that after last weekend we'd move right on to the next step, which to me is her saying she really wants to work on the marriage.

Puppy, I agree with you on the lack of introspection, but it could be that I just don't see it and she has thought about things. I mean, there have been a number of times I've seen her crying at odd times and in her own way, I do think she's trying. Especially since two weeks ago when S16 told her he wanted to move, with or without her.

The books are out on a coffee table in the family room. She may have picked them up some judging by where they were when I last saw them at that point and where they were the next time I saw them. But she hasn't mentioned them.

I agree I'll need to reconfront her. Define soon? I still think I'm going to stick with my plan to let her further WD and just be the best person I can be while slowly engaging her more and more in couples stuff and if things haven't changed by our couples trip in Oct, then that's the time to confront. I've talked about the timing with S16 as he wants to move NOW and we've both agreed that we could accept that timing.

The last couple days have been hard for me because of my expectations. And last night, W getting quiet is almost a good sign to me that she's thinking about stuff.

And this morning I got in another great AOS. W TM'd me at 7:00 saying she took my car to work because her's had a flat. So I went home (I only live 10 minutes from work) and took the tire to get repaired and then on my lunch, picked it up and put it back on the car. I KNOW she appreciates stuff like this, even if she won't admit it to me. She's made comments before about the enabler GF's BF not taking care of stuff like that for her so I know it has an impact.

Thanks guys, you really snapped me out of my slump. Back to the chase!

[Hope4us]

Ok, looking for a couple of opinions.....

I'm wondering about flowers.....W has been very appreciative when I've done a things for her here the last couple weeks....bought the cherry pie after she mentioned it sounded good and she sent me a note thanking me for the thought. I just sent her a note telling her that her car tire was fixed and she was appreciative....

So I'm wondering at this point, is buying flowers for her too pursuing? I mean, I get the DB point of not pursuing, but does there come a point where you need to start those little pursuits?

Just curious...

Edited to add, I wouldn't put an ILY on a card or anything, just maybe a thinking about you or something like that.