To all you people who have been thru their spouse's A...
How long does it take until you REALLY feel secure and safe again? For me it's been 6 months since the end of the A. I'm sure the A is completely over, H is wonderful, our relationship is great, but I find myself with constant sadness/fear/doubts/insecurity that it could happen again.
How long does it take to really feel secure again? I'm sure it's different in every relationship, but I'm curious to hear the feedback.
Oh, sweetie, my H didn't even have an actual A, just was writing love letters he was planning to send to another woman and hung out with her as a "friend," and I still have moments now two years later. I know he's way over and done with her, but it did a number on me big time.
My aunt's husband cheated on her nearly 30 years ago, and she says there are still times she wonders. My uncle still calls her if he's going to be even 5-minutes later than he said...it's part of the transparency they agreed upon long ago.
Six months is not a lot of time. You were just trying to survive, right? And now you are processing those feelings, the idea that marriage really isn't foolproof.
Are you guys in MC? If not, see if you can go. Not to rehash the past to death, but to help process your feelings and set new norms and behaviors for your marriage.
Do I feel secure? I'd say 98%.
Be patient. It's going to take time to heal and for your H to prove through his actions that it's really over.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
My H had an 18 month A. you can see from my signature all the timings...............and I STILL get very insecure.
My H has never given me reason since the A ended to mistrust him but I guess I am the "Once bitten twice shy" sort of person.
Plus, as I never found out about the A, (he told me about it), I doubt my ability to KNOW if he was doing it again and that disturbs me. Looking back on it though there were HUGE signs and I just didn't LOOK for them. Towards the end - when he wanted me to know about the A- he even bought OW a present using MY credit card to get me to query the entry on my visa statement
Trusting them and getting over it are two different things in my book. I now wouldn't trust anyone completely again - and I am saddened by that and by how jaundiced my H's A has made me about certain things.
Getting over it I think will take me many years. My H did a sort of character assassination on me when the A was going on. He made me believe our friends didn't like me much and he said things just to hurt me. I didn't know the reasons why and so I believed him and my self esteem took a huge knock. Now he swears blind to me that he only said those things to hurt me and alienate me and that they were never true - but he can't seem to see the huge wedge it has driven between me and my 'friends' who were friends of ours as a couple. I am no longer the social animal I was before IRL. I don't know if I will ever get that self esteem back again.
6 months is not a long time to get over an A. You need to giving yourself years - not months, IMO.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes, that's part of what I'm questioning too - If I didn't see it the first time, how will I know if it's happening again? We've always (even through the whole affair believe it or not) had a great relationship, so it's not like there were huge warning signs that I just didn't see.
I also am questioning that if this can happen in a really good relationship, is it really possible to prevent it? I'm starting to believe that sometimes the timing and chemistry are there and affairs happen regardless of the strength of the relationship.
All very confusing to me. I'm struggling to "learn from the experience" so it never happens again, but having trouble finding any real answers.
Anyone else have any words of wisdom as far as how long it takes until you really start trusting again?
I think unfortunately there never will be the true trust again, it will be a modified version. It wount be the unquestionable trust that I know I had before. My H and the ow used to go to lunch all the time, and I never thought anything of it, I trusted him without question...but that will never be again. I think its more of a question of us coming to terms with that, and healing our hearts. Once we can heal somewhat then we may feel more secure. It has been almost 2 years since the first bomb for me, and probably almost a year since things have returned to "normal". I still deal with alot of the questions and concerns that you have, and the only thing I can say is give it time...and allow yourself all the time you need, don't put pressure on yourself to be all better right away, because that wount help in the long run!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
With my H's first affair, I call this one the "baby affair" because he had it a few months after the second child was born. (It was an EA that lasted only a month and but was starting to turn into a PA when he ended it). This took me 5 years to work through. But, my H felt I never got over it. The affair always hung over our marriage.... and I verbally tore him to shreds for two years after he confessed it to me. And he confessed it a year after it happened.... so it was really drawn out and just this unhappy cloud that hung over us forever.
The second affair, which I call the MLC "exit affair" because my H filed for D and insisted "the marriage was over" (He spent 20K to end it! And then decided he wanted to reconcile), has taken a lot less healing time. I'd say maybe a good year. I think the only thing that sometimes haunts me is dreams. I'll have dreams of him, maybe once every 1 or 2 months, leaving and I wake up remembering the pain of that.
I think it has been much easier to heal from because I learned to detach and "let go" of my marriage. I didn't expect reconciliation and he had convinced me that the M was definitely ending. During the D I learned to create a great life without him, I learned to let go of any anger by appreciating the history of the marriage (both good and bad times), I learned to love him enough to let him go and want him to do whatever was going to make him happy. And I learned that I could be happy no matter what and that I'm a really funny, loving, supportive, fun and fabulous person that any guy would be very lucky to be married to.
Yeah, it could definitely happen again. My H could meet someone, decide to start a relationship with them, and leave the marriage. And if this happened I'd go though that pain again and feel like a walking voodoo doll with knives stuck everywhere and blood pouring out... but I know in the long run I would be fine. I'll have a great life regardless. I will always make the best of it and find things to love and appreciate.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
eee, My H had a 6 month A and that has been over about 17 months now. I am very insecure, trust is an issue for me and I do my best not to bring it up all the time.
His A blew me away, I had no idea he was having it or the fact our M was in trouble. H just dumped it on me and left.
We go to MC and I have been told that all the feelings I have are normal. H is great and our M is good too. He has given me no reason to not trust him...he also calls if he is going to be five minutes late.
I think this takes time...I can forgive but I don't know if I can ever forget but i feel that what we have is special enough to take the risk that it could happen again. The one thing I do know is if he ever did decide to leave the M again, it would be the deal breaker.
I think my H was in MLC...all aspects of his life were awful..he was not even recognizable for a period a time. He is back to the old H and I think that is what makes it easier for me to forgive.
Thanks to all of you - at least I feel somewhat better knowing what I'm going through is "normal".
I had a really good talk w/H and told him about my anxiety. He said he understood, but he is happy again (his whole A was because of a MLC AND the fact she was a model - flattery will get you everywhere apparently... Men. Egos. Bah.) and I have NOTHING to worry about. He says he can't believe how stupid he was and the whole thing seems surreal at this point - he went after what he THOUGHT he wanted and it was a bigger disaster than he ever could have imagined. He says he's SO thankful that I didn't walk away.
So the next time the doubts start creeping in, I'm going to remember this conversation with him and/or talk with him some more. I hate to keep bringing it up, but it's understandable and I deserve to be reassured at this point in the game...
So I'm taking (another) deep breath and moving along. Time will heal, it always does. I wish Michele would write another book about THIS phase - it's as hard as DB'ing!
