When is it over?

[aceshi89]

My wife and I are seperated, here is the short version of my story.

Married right after college, wife had an affair the day before our wedding, she continued for 4 months and then told me about it. During my shock and her apologies we got pregnant 6 months into the marriage (2 months after she told me). I then procedeed to punish her for the next 7 years, verbally abusive, no trust, etc. Well 6 weeks ago I found out about an EA she was having and exploded, completely denigrating her. She then decided to tell me I am not in love you in that way, etc.

She is now seeing this EA and it has become physical. I want to move on, but we have 3 small children and I feel I should at least try to make it work for our family's sake.

I have started working out, going out with my friends, flirting with women, traveling and generally enjoying life.

I have stopped arguing, I have stopped demanding, I am living my own life and am relatively happy. I had a session with a DB coach today and he pretty much told me everything you read here on-line. SOn't chase (which I stopped a few weeks ago), don't argue (since we stopped arguing our relationship has never been more peaceful), compliment her (which I did).

My question is now that her and her new man seem happy together should I hold out hope for a R? If so how long, I want to move on with my life, but I also wish that none of this had ever happened. My story does not seem different than any of the others on this site, so I can give more details if needed, but should I move on or should I wait for her current relationship to end?

I am resigned to the fact that it is over even though I don't want it to be. Any response, even "I don't know" would be very beneficial to me.

[aceshi89]

Few more points, today she said it is ok if I didn't move out for a few weeks, and I overheard her say we are waiting to file paperwork until we are both ready. I don't want false hope, I am not going to be second choice, I just want some sort of validation saying that by me getting over this marriage is not a bad thing.

[aceshi89]

Not sure if anyone cares or just disagrees with my stance but figured I would post the ending of my story.

Over the last week I have realized that my wife (ex) doesn't love me and I don't want to win her back. I am happier now in my life than I have ever been with her. It is a terrible thing to be divorced, and have your family, friends and most importantly kids have to deal with it with you, but in the end fighting for someone who doesn't realize what you are worth is a bad place to be for me.

Now that she has a new man in her life I wish her happiness and hope for the kid's sake she does me as well, but sometimes the story does end and your interpretation of it is really the only thing that matters.

I hope my story has, at the least, help someone else in some way.

[schism]

Keep in mind that many affairs end in about 6 months. Don't close the door yet.

[christarn]

Ace, at one point in time I asked a wise DBer that same question about 8 months into my dbing...his answer was simple yet awesome....each situation is unique, and one can only do this as long as he/she physically/mentally/emotionally can handle it. There is no "right or wrong" amount of time.

If you give her an ultimatum and say " I am giving you XX amount of time to leave him and come home to work on us" you will only push her further away, and drive her closer to him....totally counter productive.

Each marriage situation is unique, you must lay your cards out, and write out the pro's and con's....then you and only you can decide how long you are willing to wait.

I have been separated for 18 months and Db'ing for a year. There are days when I want to fold, wave the white flag and say "done"...but something has kept me going...I believe whole heartedly God has blessed me with strength to fight this battle...for how long....I don't know...only time will tell.

Take care of yourself
hugs 2 you
christarn