ms ladybug SQUISHED (3)

[ms ladybug]

I decided to start this as a new thread because:

I'm done. I've had enough.
My h has had enough.
Divorce is on.

It's painful. It's extremely painful. But, so is living this way. I've tried to please him. I've tried to do what he wanted me to do, and it was never enough. The house was never clean enough. If it was clean, he'd find unopened mail, bedsheets not changed or a bathroom hand-towel not folded. IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH. He asked me to make and keep a budget every month, and when I did, he was mad because it was handwritten and not on a computer program. I've gone to 3 doctors at his wishes, I've taken psych tests, and blood tests to determine if I'm mentally stable (I am). He's disappointed because I'm healthy. He is refusing marriage counseling. He wanted me to show him that I can change for 6 weeks before he will agree to counseling. (If I COULD change for 6 weeks we wouldn't NEED counseling!!)

For the first time since we separated he asked me last night what I think he would need to change. Every answer I gave him, he turned it back to me.
m: You're angry and can't control it
h: you make me angry

m:You're mean and you belittle me
h: because I'm frustrated with you

m:I want you to let me speak, and give my opinion on important matters.
h:you can't speak without arguing

m:I'd like you to be the spiritual leader
h:you won't follow, so I won't lead

m:I want you to pray with me like we used to
h: your life doesn't reflect a relationship with Christ, so I won't pray with you.

He continues to take NO responsibility for our marriage problems. I acknowledged that I had a big part in this, I was often disrespectful and didn't include him in my decisions. But, he dismissed everything I thought he needed to work on, meaning that he is refusing to change. I don't want him. I want the man I married.

For too long, I've waited for that man to re-appear. As if he's just gone on a vacation, a sabattical, but he'll be back. It's time to declare him MIA and move on as best I can.

[Dom R]

sigh...

ladybug... you threw away everything I (and others) suggested to you.
you took no responsability for your OWN actions.
you once again, made it all about him, and what "he needs to change", when right now, it should be all about what you are willing to change.

He wanted me to show him that I can change for 6 weeks before he will agree to counseling.

By your actions/words above, you have shown that he is completely justified in asking for this.
Anyone who is capable of having a good marriage, should be capable of doing this. Your refusal says, by your actions, that you are not a person interested in havinga good marriage, but rather, you want a good lackey for yourself. Only he has to do hard work on himself in your book, it would seem.

(If I COULD change for 6 weeks we wouldn't NEED counseling!!)

This is a total cop-out.
It's not that you "can't" change.
You are unwilling to change yourself.


That is why he wants to divorce you. Because you are not willing to do equal work in your marriage, on your marriage. Even when faced with splitting up your family... you still refuse to change yourself for the better.

But, he dismissed everything I thought he needed to work on, meaning that he is refusing to change. ...

No, that is NOT what that means. It means that you arent LISTENING to him, about what is important to him.
If someone tells you they need a glass of water, then if you care about them, you dont tell them, "no you need some cherry pie instead".


He has stated, CLEARLY, that he is willing to change. Just so long as you are, too.

And once again, you have stated/shown that you are unwilling to change yourself.

There's a huge amount of irony, that you are accusing him of being "not willing to change", when that label fits you far better than him.

Soapbox off.
I'm done posting to you for a while. Probably a very long while.
No point in writing to you further, when all you seem to be interested in, is how to get OTHER people to change, without you doing any work on yourself first.

[pisces9]

wow Ms Ladybug...sounds like you have hit a place that you feel you cant move form. are you sure this is what you want? my H was finally able to open up to me and acknowledge his part- he said it was mostly him. i had prayed for so long that he would take ownership and he did- but only because i was patient, loving, quiet, gave him space and it is still all about him and his needs. i tell you this bc i was and still am shocked at what he was able to tell me.


it also seems that your H really wnats things to work do maybe the LRT for a little? or is that more of the same?

i am here for you and i am sorry things are so hard right now ....

[cat03]

you could've been mother Theresa and still he'd find fault, everything will be your fault and you will "make" him say/do many things, thus he'll be blameless and have all the rights in his eyes to scream/argue and belittle you. I wish you good luck and know that your life can and will be 100x better than what it is now, you will have some peace.

[ms ladybug]

Dom, he ASKED me what I thought he should change. I didn't bring it up, I didn't feel like I could bring it up. But, he asked. After each thing I brought up, he'd say "what else do you want?"
I also told him what I was willing to change. I told him again that if we went to mc I would do whatever it is that the counselor suggests. He says he doesn't believe me based on our prior mc sessions (long before the sep). I told him he was right, I didn't listen and that I was sorry that I caused him hurt.

pisces, this isn't what I want. I don't think h wants this either. But, like cat said, I DO need some peace. I need to not get yelled at over an unfolded hand-towel. I need to not walk on egg-shells for awhile.

[pisces9]

i hear ya Ms. L- I think space is good right now- have you spoken to a DB coach? the 1st part of reconciliation is getting rid of negative emotions-that is all your H is dong and you need to be able to take whatever he throws at you, with nothing in return. another one that helped me was ACT AS IF i can handle whatever he needs to say or do. i have detached a lot too. i am not sayng i am a pro an di dont even know whats happeneing- what is did do for me was STOP the pain. i have my days and call my friends but all he sees is happiness and calmness. not easy.

[TwinDad]

Ladybug,

Sorry to hear it isn't working out right now. Please enjoy the peace for a while. Sometimes these periods of peacefulness, not walking on eggshells, can help us see clearer. Sometimes we just need a break. Which ever path you choose, we are here for you

[catfan]

I can really understand how you feel, I seem to have gotten into a similar state. I feel like no matter what I do I won't be able to influence the situation in a positive manner or to help her. If there's one thing that really hurts, its knowing there's nothing I can do for the woman I love other than to just completely give up and move on. Maybe then she'll be able to loose all the fear and hurt that seems to dominate her feelings.

All we can do is take care of ourselves so that's what we need to focus on once again.

[Sara]

Dom,

I am stunned at your letter blaming Ladybug for the failure of the couple to make their marriage better. She made an enormous good faith effort to please a person who:

a. refuses to be pleased
b. thinks he is perfect
c. is antagonist, superior, and patronizing.

It is her life. She is making her decision. How dare you blame her for the fact that things did not work out?

[cat03]

I agree with you Sara, I'm totally astounded at the lenghts msB has gone to try to please him and hold on for him, honestly, i wouldn't be able to hold on to that man while being treated in the way he's treated her, she's gone above and beyond the call of duty, it's time she gets some deserved peace and live happy without running herself ragged after towels or rings on the table, she's worth more than that.